The One About Slush

Category: weekleez

The One About Slush
June 11, 2002

hi kidz,

when my leetle brother and i were little fleegans, about yay high to a pig’s eye, well, maybe we were bigger than that, we each had a slush maker thingy. it was an over-sized cup that had some sort of magic juice in it and it was kept in the freezer. after school each day we would get off the school bus (aka cheese wagon or darth vader hole) and we would run home and get our slush thingies out of the freezer, make a slush, and commence to watching cartoons.

this was an incredible thing.
we would pour soda into the cup and in seconds the cola would start turning to slush. a minute later we were slurping our slushes and watching ‘toons, or mister roger’s, or whatever. i’m not sure what was in those cups that would turn our pop into slush but i think it was probably magic. and if it wasn’t magic it was probably some poisonous chemical or probably magic. anyway, it doesn’t matter how it worked it just did, what matters is that we only ever used cola. not once did we branch out into other flavors. i mean, sure we used rootbeer and dr flepper, but we never tried anything different, y’know, like kool-aid or something. no fruity flavors for the pickle kids, nay nay, we liked coke slushes and by god we aren’t going to try anything different ’cause that’s what we like. and i thought about all that the other day and i thought about how much i wish i still had that slush mug because maybe this time i would try some flavors, y’know?

and true there’s a place fairly close to my apartment that sells slushes. and true they are good slushes. but really, who wants to drive out there to get a slush? and besides, the people at that place have like, this superior attitude. like their slushes are fancy or something?
“hi, i’d like a raspberry slush, please.”
“um, what did you say?” and this high school kid looks at me like i’m some kind of freak.
“er, i’d like a raspberry slush, please? you do have raspberry, right? por favor?”
“um like, they aren’t slushes.”
“er, i’d like one of those. a raspberry one, please.” i say and point to the industrial slush machine. what a glorious machine!
“it’s not a slush. it’s a fresh. fruit. smoothie.”
“uhhhhyeah. and i’d like a raspberry one.”

it’s a slush. get over it.

well, i went to my parents house the other day and was lounging around the pool sipping on this really great drink called a “margarita”. which, if i’m not mistaken, is spanish for “nectar of the gods”. and my dad says to me, “would you like that frozen?” and i said, “well, it seems like too much trouble to break out the blender for just one drink. i’ll just drink it on tha rox today.” and he says, “trouble? it’s no trouble at all! not with the new ronco™ blenderflex 30…”
ha ha. just a little stab at ronco™.
anyway he says, “nah, it’s no trouble we have one of those hand-blender things. it’s easy.”

it wasn’t something that blends hands by the way, it’s a hand-held blender. i’m sure you knew that but sometimes people take things so literally. like for instance, it wasn’t an actual margarita i was drinking. it was actually a freakin’ huge margarita i was drinking. i mean, some people would be quite shocked to find out that i occasionally have an alcoholic drink. when actually, i drink all the time! ha ha! you guys don’t think i write these things sober do you?! i mean “the one about the bee” you guys really believed that was diet soda?! ha ha! ok well, you got me on that one. it was diet soda. i mean really, drinking a driving isn’t funny. but drug addiction now that’s funny!
ok. i’ve reached the sick humor quota for this week.

and dad proceeded to jerk my drink away from me and made me a frozen ‘rita. it was good.

it was so good in fact, that a couple days later i went to the beeg W and bought a hand-blender of my very own and have been drinking slushes ever since. in fact, if it’s not in slush form, i don’t want anything to do with it. what? a can of pop? gag. bring me some ice so’s i can slushify that thing! now that’s a drink.
mt. dew is pretty good, but as a slush it’s too die for.
i’m not a huge fan of milk what with the whole lactose intolerance thing, i mean, milk “does a body good” but it also launches a 3 ft. flame out my backside. but if it’s a milk slush, i can’t help myself. it’s a slush! i mean, sure there’s still a 3 ft. flame but slush = fun! yay milk!
plain ol’ boring water? no way! make it a water slush! ahhh, that’s refreshment! and fun!

now this handy-dandy blender is not just a hand-blender, but it’s also a chopper. a chopper! it chops. things. i can chop vegetables or ice or fruit or rocks or bone or all sorts of other things! do you realize what this means?!

i can chop something, anything, let’s say…. a peanut butter and jelly sandwich (for instance), and then i can put it in a cup of ice and make a peanut butter and jelly slush! booya! i’ll never have to chew my food again!
heck, i can have a peanut butter and jelly and vodka slush! tatdow!

for dinner tonight i’m having a rice, veggie and corndog (with stick) slush and a coffee and chocolate chip cookie slush for dessert! nummy!
and later tonight while i’m relaxing and reading a great book you just know i’ll be sipping on a bourbon slush!
bourbon neat? no way barkeep! i’ll take it on the rocks…crushed rocks that is! derp!

so now when i come home from work i hop out of the car and run all the way to the apartment with my book satchel floppin’ and my shirt untucked and i promptly make a slush and this time i refuse to use just cola! i’m branching out! i’m makin’ a pink gatorade-chocolate syrup-and-what-the-heck-i’ve-gotta-get-rid-of-this-bottle-of-rum-somehow slush and then i plop down in front of the TV to watch bugs bunny and then i remember that we don’t have cable and that i work 40 hours a week and that i’ve gotta make dinner and there’s bills to pay and a weekly to write and what the heck am i doing making slushes?

yeah, i’m a huge dork.
but i’m a huge dork with a cherry cola slush in her hands.

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