The One About Pop Tarts

Category: weekleez

The One About PopTarts
June 04, 2002

hi kids,

holy geez, it’s june! what? how? where is the time going? i mean, i remember may. may lasted for like, i dunno, seems like 5 weeks or something. five long, long, long weeks. but what happened to april?! i don’t remember april at all. and now, now we’ve got june here. geezy peezy. june.
june.

oy, so i had another “incident” with my “attitude” this week but the thing is i’m too embarrassed to talk about it because

A. it further proves that my attitude is
1. a stoopid idiot.
2. trying to get me in trouble
3. not very effective at all. and what i mean by that is if anyone of you personally “experienced” my ‘tude you’d say, “what the heck was that? what? that is what you call an attitude? BAH-hahahahahahaha!”

B. the unfortunate stranger (!) that was on the “wrong side” of my “raging” attitude (not) asked to be put on the weekly list.

OMG! THEY KNEW ME! RECOGNIZED! BY A STRANGER!
NOW THIS PERSON KNOWS I’M A COMPLETE DORK!
THEY MUST BE SILENCED!

wait a sec, everyone knows i’m a dork! whew! that was close.

so i ran into daktari and his special lady friend (a la lebowski) in the poptart aisle on sunday and they wanted to hear all about how i was a moron on the phone with the stranger so instead i’m writing about poptarts. also, the CDM coffee is really great, daktari! it’s the only coffee i’ve ever had that did not change colors when i added creamer to it. *cough* that’s some *cough* good stuff man.

so yeah, instead of describing what a total moron i am when it comes to talking to strangers on the phone i’ll instead talk about what a moron i am when it comes to eating breakfast.

well, when i’m not scarfing a brimmin’ bowl of warm nearly cinnominish goo (oatmeal) for breakfast i’m probably eating a poptart. poptarts are very convenient. i mean, i can toast them and go, or not toast them and go. and for about 7 weeks i was eating them “raw”. which isn’t bad but then i decided that maybe i’d start toasting them. toasting them was ok. but it didn’t really knock my socks off or anything. but the thing is, i wasn’t really eating poptarts. and what i mean by that is i wasn’t eating flellogg’s poptarts.

y’see, i’m very cheap. it’s a habit i picked up from my father (hi dad!). anyway, in my cheapness i was buying the store brand poptarts. i mean, i figure i don’t enjoy eating breakfast anyway, why spend more money for a product that probably isn’t any better than the generic flava if i’m not going to enjoy it? it made sense at the time. really.

after 3 months of eating the store brand poptarts, mostly raw, (it seems that toasting them dries them out, and not in a good way, i mean, when your breakfast starts out as a solid and cooks and comes back a powder, to quote k’s choice, “something’s wrong”.) i thought to myself, “jaimie, maybe if you bought the “real” poptarts, they might taste better and also maybe they won’t be as dry as sand, nor taste like it.” and then i said, “listen, i’m the one who works hard for the sweet, sweet money and i’m not about to spend money for “real” poptarts when they pro’ly don’t even taste any better than the “fake” poptarts. so there.”

and then i went to the grocery store.
and i was looking at the packages of poptarts. and i looked at the “real” poptarts and i noticed that they brag about using (and i gotta be careful with this one) flmucker’s jam in the middle of the flellogg’s poptarts. and so i mean, with a name like flmucker’s it has to be good. right? that’s what the tv says anyway.

so i “splurged” and bought the flellogg’s poptarts. unfrosted, of course. the frosting is too sweet and crunchy and gag.

so i wake up the next morning and thought that hmmmm, maybe i’ll try one of those delicious looking, flmucker’s filled flellogg’s poptarts and wow, what an exciting way to start the day. so i “pop” the breakfast goody into the amazing toaster oven and wait for my morning nourishment to “ping” ready. and “ping” breakfast!

i grab the toasted tarts “oo ow! hot! ouch!” and quickly toss them on my plate. and i give them a minute to cool. and now it’s time for the “test” and was spending my “hard earned” money on “real” poptarts worth it?

find out next week.
next week’s epitomb: jaimie eats a poptart. and she makes it funny!

jaimie “ha ha!” pickle

i’m kidding! geez, like i would make you guys fret over my breakfast adventures? i’m not that cruel.

so anyway i bite into my freshly toasted, flmucker’s filled, flellogg’s poptart and i promtly start screaming as though my face were not so much on fire, but as though my face had just been hit by a flaming ball of napalm, which it had.

apparently the “real” poptarts are not as dry as the fake ones and the filling is in fact, not only hot but also volatile and can even become quite angry too. and the tart, although mostly not dry, is only kept together by the gluey, volatile filling. and so, when i bit into the tart o’ doom, the whole thing cracked and when exposed to oxygen the filling expanded thus exploding half of the tart o’ death in my face, specifically the mouth and chin region.
did i mention i screamed?

i jerked the poptart away from my face but the burning continued. that’s because the “victory smelling” napalm-like filling had glued itself and a huge portion of pastry shrapnel to my cheek.
i believe i’ve mentioned the screaming.

you know those stoopid warnings that you find on things? those warnings that say DO NOT USE BLOW DRYER WHILE TAKING A SHOWER, those warnings? yeah, those are for me.
so the next time you’re eating a delicious flmucker’s filled flellogg’s poptart and you notice that on the box the instructions warn the breakfast eater that FILLING IS REALLY @$&*#!!! HOT! and you think to yourself, “duh. what idiot doesn’t know that?” think of me. the idiot. the idiot with flaming blueberry stuck to her face. screaming.

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