The One About the Dumpster
May 29, 2002

did i ever tell you guys the one about the dumpster? no? well sit back, relax, and read this trash.

so about a year ago the sign shop decided it needed a dumpster, and really, it probably needed a dumpster way before that. i mean, imagine being a garbage man and stopping at a place that had eight to ten huge 55 gallon trashbags completely full, yeah? that’salottatrash. of course, considereing that most of our trash at the shop consists of paper, tape and vinyl, it’s not like the bags weigh a ton or anything. i mean, even i can pick them up. of course, it looks pretty silly when i take out the trash because the bags are bigger than me, but really, that’s neither here nor there.

so then we got a dumpster. it was huge and glorious! and green! and we could throw away so much stuff! and it was so big that we could throw away more than just shop trash. i mean, let’s say i had two bags of trash at home… well, why not just pile it up and take it to work to throw it away?! (that’s probably illegal or something, but really, who cares? yay! dumpster!) but wow, with the shop trash and some home trash there’s still a whole bunch of room. so we started throwing away anything we could fit in there. it was glorious! for a while.

then came thanksgiving.

thanksgiving is a wonderful holiday that basically means that you don’t have to work on thursday or friday of that week. and for that we are thankful. it also means that the dumpster people do not have to work on that thursday and friday. but that’s okay, because i mean, look at how huge that dumpster is! and so true, we had to wait another whole week before they would come and dump the dumpster, but like i keep saying, “it’s huge!”

so a week goes by and no big truck came and dumped the dumpster. hmmm. that’s odd. oh well, there’s still room.

another week goes by. er…hmmm. oh. well. there’s a bit of room at the top.

four weeks go by and it’s christmas. well, there’s no room for any more trash but that’s ok. kind of. i mean, we’re off that week anyway so no trash will um, be put in there. it also means that probably no trash will um, be dumped either. eh, we’ll think about it after christmas. happy holidays!

right, so january happens. and still no dumpage at the sign shop so we call the shemps. and they say, “we don’t have you guys on our records.” and we’re all, “what?! but we have…wait… is this dumpsters R us?” and they’re all, “no, this is flaste management.” and we were all, “oops. sorry.”

so then we call dumpsters R us and tell them, “hey, you haven’t dumped our trash in-”
“name?” they ask.
“sign shop.” we answer.
“it shows here that you haven’t paid the bill in two months.”
“yeah, well you guys haven’t dumped the dumpster in three months.”
“oh yeah?”
“yeah!”
“well, we can’t come and dump it until you pay.”
“well, that’s a crock. come get your dumpster.”
“well, see we’ve been bought out by another group and they have messed up our records and so if you’ll pay then we can come dump the dumpster.”
“yeah, okay, well see, why don’t you come dump your dumpster and we’ll start paying you for january seeing as how we didn’t have service november and december.”
“oh, well, i don’t think we can do that. we need you to send a check first.”
“ok well i have an idea.”
“yeah?”
“yeah, come get your dumpster.”
“well, maybe we can work something out. we hate to lose a customer.”
“ok here’s an idea, come dump the dumpster and we’ll give the truck driver your check for january.”
“oh well that’s against regulations. besides you owe us for november and december too.”
“ok well here’s a better idea then.”
“yeah?”
“yeah, come get your dumpster.”

so then we have to find another dumpster service. hmmmm how about flaste management? they seemed like a nice bunch.
so we get an account with them and they’ll be over with a new dumpster tomorrow.
right, but before we get this new dumpster we decide we should really, really fill up the old dumpster. and because it rained a bit over the holidays the trash has sort of compacted and there’s some more room at the top. also, since the huge dumpster of suck has not been dumped for three months it smells like death. gag.

so maybe there’s an old rusted car frame out behind the shop.
so maybe we don’t want it out there anymore.
so maybe we fire up the cutting torch.
so maybe would you believe we crammed a buick in that thing?
and a row boat?
and an old recliner we found up the road?

in march dumpsters R us finally came and got the old dumpster. it probably weighed as much as the truck that came to pick it up, and also it smelled like the bathroom at an amusement park (any amusement park) only worse. we didn’t think they would ever pick up that nasty thing. in fact, we thought about paying the new dumpster place to dump it and then my boss was going to take it home and turn it into a huge dog house or chicken coop or something. i mean, might as well get some use out of it.

anyway new dumpster, this one is much smaller. i mean, this dumpster is so small we could probably fit 3 of them into the other much larger dumpster. well, that is, if the huge one didn’t already have trash and a buick in it. and a boat. and that chair.

this tiny dumpster only holds about a week’s worth of shop trash. it’s the smallest dumpster in the world. it’s not as fun to put stuff in it ’cause y’know, the other one was so much bigger.
but the new dumpster pick up is very punctual. and that’s a good thing because it’s so small.

but then there came a week when they did not come and dump the trash and oh crap what am i gonna do?
so now i’m sitting on three week’s worth of trash and man, that sucks. well me, being a very stoopid person, i get kinda mad about it. i start thinking about how much trouble we went through with the other dumpster and i get even more mad. and then i decide we should call those so and so’s at the dumpster place because there’s no way i’m gonna sit on four weeks of trash when we pay them to dump our trash and feh! the injustice! maybe i’ll just give them a piece of my mind! that’ll show ’em!

so i get my ‘tude on and call and say that hey man, our dumpster hasn’t been dumped in a while and we need it dumped what’s the problem? and they of course ask for our address and then there’s a pause and this nice lady tells me that the truck driver’s son shot himself and the driver has taken some vacation days to deal with the tragedy and would it be alright if someone came out and dumped the dumpster tomorrow?

gee talk about taking me down a peg or twelve. i felt like, this big.

“oh geez, um yes ma’am. just uh, no hurry! at your convenience really.” i’m a horrible person!

sheesh. dumpsters. i mean, it would figure the one time i actually get brave enough to sport an attitude it would completely blow up and quick! sucker punch!

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