The One about NPR and Castro
Tuesday, May 07, 2002

hi keeds! apparently the “jaimie freaks out in the rain” story was really popular. how cool is that? thanks to all of you who wrote me saying “dood, that was funny!” or “poor, poor jaimie.” or “quit whining you big baby!” thanks!

ok so i was listening to NPR the other day (big nerd) and it’s not that i’m particularly into classical music or anything. i’m not. classical music, although pretty and long, tends to break me out in hives and i get the chills. no wait, that’s something else…
anyway, i listen to the NPR, PRI, whatever because of all the news. there’s two hours of news in the morning and two more in the evening and ok i like the news okay? actually, that’s not true at all.
the thing is… i’m old.

what can i say? i like having people read the news to me.
heck, i might as well buy a house-coat and strap a drool cup to my face.
but really, listening to the news is so much more than just disembodied voices prattling on about “current events” (what are those?) and world news. er, actually no, that about sums it up.

but the really great thing is that there are no commercials! that’s right, there’s no moron car salesman screaming about prices, low prices, or the lowest prices ever. it’s just calm people using their calm voices to read the news, be it good, bad or breaking, in a very calm way. calm. soothing. news.

i also like it because i spend a lot of time at work alone and when the news is on it’s like someone is talking to me. so like when someone calls on the phone they hear voices in the background and it doesn’t seem like i’m all alone.
on second thought, i’m never alone at work. ever. so if you had any ideas about finding me all alone at work and all the horrible things you could do to me, well, think again. ’cause i’m never alone. i have a vicious, half-starved wolverine named nancy and she’d love to tear you up, dig? also, i have a Glock named Glock. so back off, bad guy.

where was i?
right, so the news is like people talking to me ‘cept i don’t have to answer. it’s a one-sided conversation that i don’t have to pay attention to or nod my head in pretend listening. and hey, no awkward silences!
also, i’m not as anti-social as i just made that sound. i actually do interact with people all the time. really. really!

so anyway, like i said in paragraph two, i was listening to NPR and the people reading me the news told me this:

ok, so the president of mexico, vincente (or vicente) fox, and the cuban dictator for life, whatshisname, had a secret meeting. and at this secret meeting they were going to discuss an upcoming U.N. meeting.

so fox agrees to meet with fidel “pro’ly a björk fan” castro so long as no one knows about it. and fidel “when he goes to san francisco he wears flowers in his hair” castro agrees to let the meeting be a secret and promises not to tell, and oh by the way i’m gonna tape the meeting. and fox says that he really wishes you wouldn’t tape the meeting. and fidel “twinkle toes” castro says don’t be a spoiled sport, i promised to keep it a secret didn’t i?

so the dudes have their meeting and basically fox tells fidel “gerbils in his fatigues” castro to behave himself at the U.N. meeting and i really wish you wouldn’t provoke the U.S. okay? to which fidel “loves a parade” castro laughed and told fox to mind his own business, i’ve been pissing off the U.S. for 5 decades i’m not gonna stop now and remember, i’m taping this conversation could you talk into the microphone please?

the secret meeting went on and nothing was really solved or anything so fox went home and did whatever he usually does all day and fidel “pinch my fanny” castro went home and promptly played the tape of the secret meeting to the world, which is how come i knew that those two boneheads had a secret meeting in the first place. so anyway.

president fox was pretty angry.
1. because the meeting made him look like a spineless dork and
2. because fidel “i’ll be yo’ sugar daddy” castro had promised to keep the meeting a secret.

you mean… no.
you mean fidel “spank me like you mean it” castro told a lie? castro? lied? is this bizarro world or something?

gee, i didn’t see that coming, did you?
um, yeah! geez fox, how long have you been in politics, heck, how long have you been alive? cripes, what kind of imbicile trusts castro?

anyway, i heard on the radio news today that jimmy carter is all about starting an anti-castro club (i thought the united states was the anti-castro club) and he wants to be in charge of it. well, ok. i’m all for getting rid of the ass (castro, not carter) but c’mon, jimmy carter? i’m not saying carter is a bad guy or anything, but i mean, isn’t that like putting the class wimp in charge of telling the bully not to be so mean to everyone?
the school nurse better get ready to put some ice on carter’s black eye and bloody nose.
and sheesh, carter couldn’t do anything about it back when he was in charge of getting rid of the freak.
i mean, every president since the ’60s has promised to get rid of that cigar-chewing mofo.

but presidents are so bad at that sort of thing. they aren’t intimidating at all. they wear suits and ties.
what we really need is someone with some muscles and blue jeans. and probably a crowbar or claw-hammer. and also give him a gun, like a bazooka. something big and scary. we need randy “macho man” savage.

“oh yeeeeeah. listen up castro. i’m comin’ after you! yeeeah. and you better run, ’cause i’m bringin’ some marines with me. oh yeeeeah! and you can’t hide ’cause we can smell your skank from here! yeeeeeah, i’m gonna turn you into gravy and make you eat your own missiles! ooooooooooooh yeeeeeeeeeeah!”

so someone get jimmy carter outta there and get us someone with a decent scary voice and preferably some muscles and preferably someone under 60 years old. for crying out loud, i gotta think of everything?

and now for your link of the week, scott saylor sent me this little gem:
it’s really only funny is you have a sound card. well, i thought it was funny. some other people (roommate) didn’t think it was funny.

next week’s epitomb: castro and his boy toys…exposed!
jaimie “oooooooh yeeeeah!” pickle


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