The One About Bees

Category: weekleez

The One About Diet Bees
Thursday, April 11, 2002

hi kids,
so listen, i wrote this one on wednesday and when i clicked “Send” it did not “send”. it “deleted” and i don’t know how or why. but i do know that it took me four hours to write and only .3 seconds to delete and i “cried”. and it’s not like i’m an idiot, i had been saving it every 10 minutes or so, and still the bloody thing disappeared into thin binary, or whatever this computer juice is. so now i gotta try and rewrite it and i just know it won’t be as funny as the first one was. poop.

so i drink alotta soda. i need the cafeen. i neeeeeeed the cafeeeeeen. don’t try to push your bottled water on me. i know better. there’s no cafeen in water. but we all know that soda is just empty calories, right? and so i had this thought the other day:
“hey jaimie, maybe you should try to have a diet soda every now and then, you know, for health’s sake?”
to which i replied with this thought,
“what?! diet soda?! have you lost it? i’m not gonna drink that crap and i wouldn’t drink that crap if it was the last-”
and then i interrupted that thought with,
“settle down bevis, you drink too much cafeen. i’m just saying maybe you could give the diet thing a shot, and hey, they say that diet dr. flepper tastes just like regular dr. flepper.”

so i thought on that for a while and said, “yeah, i can try it.” i mean, what could be the harm in trying a diet soda? i can attempt new things! trying new things is a great way to grow! everyone needs growth! what a great day! i think i can hear birds singing! kill them!

so i’m driving to school and i’m jammin’ to some, of all things, barry white, (and let me just say that everyone should have some barry in their music collection. don’t look at me like that.) and so i’m really groovin’ and decide, hmmm i’m a bit thirsty. so i stopped and bought a bottle of diet dr. flepper. (new things!) and i was really quite proud of myself too. i mean, this could be the path to a whole new “me”.

so i get back to drivin’ and gettin’ my “groove on” (and barry is telling me i’m his first, his last and his everything) and i pop open that bottle of diet dr. flepper and take a huge swig and promptly spew that hell-beverage all over my shirt, the steering wheel and the windshield. gag. and again i say, gag.

well needless to say (but that won’t stop me from saying it) it tasted nothing like regular dr. flepper. at all. and aside from the diet wang that all diet drinks have, it also had a deliciously vile film that it left in my mouth, very much in the same vein as liquid antacid. mmmmmmm nummy. i mean, if i’d have wanted a 20oz bottle of diet bismol i would have bought one. i can only assume (uh oh) that somewhere in the commercial it says, “diet dr. flepper tastes more like regular dr.flepper than milk, beer, or orange juice.” the TV is a liar.
big surprise, right?

well i’m not gonna let some diet drink ruin my infrequent good mood. spring is in the air and it feels so great outside that you can roll down your car window and drive with the wind blowing in and wow ain’t life grand?
but everytime i roll my window down a bee flies in. i’m not exaggerating. and actually three or four weeks ago i was driving with the window down and thought to myself, “maybe i should write a weekly about how every time i ride with the windows down a bee flies into my car.” and then thought, “nah, no one would believe me.” and then i looked in my rear-view mirror and saw a wasp walking awkwardly on my back seat. and then i slapped my forehead and said, “d’oh!”

i am terrified of bees. and by “bee” i mean any stinging winged-beastie. i hate ’em. i could be driving down the road and a bee flies in and tells me to pull over at the nearest playground so he can get out and sting small children, or else. well, sorry kids, better you than me. i’m a coward of bees. i have bee-o-phobia. i could be up on a ladder doing something like cleaning the gutters (sha, right) and if a bee buzzez by me, i jump. i’d risk a broken limb over a bee sting. the pathetic part being, i’ve never been stung by a bee. look, i know my fear of bees is irrational, that’s what a phobia is! don’t look at me like that.

so anyway, let’s say i’m driving down the road, yeah?
and let’s say i’m jammin’ to some motown, dig?
and let’s say it’s a gorgeous day out, derp?
and let’s say i’ve got the windows rolled down, yo?
and let’s say i’ve just spewed diet dr. flepper all over everything, dork?
and let’s say that a bee flies in my car, scream?
and let’s say that bees are attracted to sweet, nectary juices, obvious?

so anyway this bee has the gall to land right on my steering wheel. jerk.
so i panic. i can’t even scream (yet). but not to worry! i’m a genius!
so i decide my first tactic should be to blow at the bee in hopes that my beef jerky-breath will offend him enough to move on to a different part of the car, hopefully the back windshield which is the furthest thing from me. and to bee perfectly honest, i didn’t have beef jerky breath. i just thought it would be funny to bring up beef jerky again.
the bee does not move. jerk.
nay, the bee is slurping up the sweet ambrosia that is diet dr. flepper. i mean, it’s sweet to the bee, right? the bee’s never had regular dr. flepper before so he has no reference for what it should taste like. stoopid bee. i mean, to this bee, that crap-tastic diet swill is like hell’s sweetest pomagranate. only, i cannot envision persephone being tempted by a diet drink, but it’s hard to tell some people’s tastes. *sigh* i really am a dork aren’t i?

so i blow harder. still the bee does not budge. this is because bees, like most horrible bugs, have magic sticky legs. i mean, they should make post-it-notes with bug leg adhesive. have you ever had to staple a post-it-note to a file or something? didn’t you feel ripped off? does barry white have a contract stating that he must put the words, “oh baybee” in every song?

so me and the bee are puttin’ right along and then, the bee starts to move. towards my hand. closer and closer.
i did the only thing a bee-o-phobe could do.
i screamed. like a girl. which is ok, ’cause i am a girl, but this scream was so girlie that i was indeed ashamed that i could even scream like that but not ashamed enough to stop screaming, nay, i screamed for several miles. the first mile i screamed out of fear. the next five (5) miles i screamed out of frustration. beecause you see, what happened was the bee got so close i had to jerk my hand away, this was during mile one. well, apparently, the ninja-quick movement of my hand sent this warning signal to the bee’s tiny brain: DANGER! THE CRAZY SCREAMING THING JUST MOVED REALLY FAST! YOUR ONLY HOPE FOR SURVIVAL IS TO FLY AWKWARDLY AROUND THE CRAZY SCREAMING THING! TO CEASE FLYING IS TO HAVE NO HONOR! FLY FLY FLY!
that was mile 2-6.

as it turns out, a mostly full bottle of diet dr. flepper makes for a good weapon.
and if you were driving on hwy 431 last thursday and heard terrible screaming and motown blasting, or saw a red jeep swerving all over the place, yeah. that was me. i’m an idiot.

so what’s been going on in the land of the weekly readers?
congrats goes out to danny “daktari” wilborn who was accepted into the Doctor of Education (Ed.D.) in Higher Education Administration program of the University of Alabama. go danny! it’s your birthday!
well, it’s not really his birthday but it is grace ellis, laura bentley, and scott fant’s birthday today! wasn’t that a great segue?
grace is 4 years old, well, not really, she’s like 8 years old or something, but to me she’ll always be 4.
laura is also 4 years old.
and scott is…heh. just kidding scott!
dan and florrie noojin are celebrating their 20th wedding aniversary. wow florrie, that’s amazing. how can you put up with that guy?

anyway, next week’s epitomb: barry white can’t get enough of my love. he told me so.

jaimie “the bee’s knees” pickle

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