The One About Ohio’s Lack of Official State Fish

Category: weekleez

The One About Ohio’s Lack of State Fish
March 7, 2002

‘allo keeds. 

eet eez time once again, for der veekly.   

it has recently come to my attention (via two misplaced ohioans) that ohio does not, at this time, have a state fish.  and that there are in fact two fish being considered for the job of state fish for ohio.  the debate is on.  

the two fish in question are the small-mouth and the wall-eye.  apparently the long-ear and the pug-nose were both disqualified.  now i don’t know about you, but i know about me, and what i know is that i don’t know beans about fish or beans. but what i do know is this: about 12 years ago Holy Rosary School in St. Mary’s, OH started a campaign to make the small-mouth bass ohio’s state fish. 
well, apparently they didn’t do too good of a job seeing as how ohio still hasn’t picked out a fish. 
and think about it, those kids have probably all grown up, graduated, and have real jobs and real families and real concerns. real concerns like, “hey! we still don’t have an official state fish!”  

yeah right, half those kids probably work for the state now, and they could care less about fish, official or unofficial.  but i guess perhaps it is a bit lame to have a Great Lake and not a state fish. i mean, alabama doesn’t have a Great Lake and they have two state fish.  take that ohio!  we don’t need crummy Lake Erie! we got two fish! that’s two more than you have! tatdow!  

alabama picked two fish because they couldn’t decide if they wanted a freshwater fish or a saltwater fish.  so the state fish are the large-mouth and tarpon, respectively.  but who cares?  

come on ohio. pick a fish for cryin’ outs. 
a little FYI, ohio has a state beverage. 
here’s the official statute about the state bevy: “The canned, processed juice and pulp of the fruit of the herb Lycopersicon esculentum, commonly known as tomato juice, is hereby adopted as the official beverage of the state.” gheederp.  whatabunchanerds. the state insect is the ladybug. the state song is Beautiful Ohio. the state rock song is Hang on Sloopy (i’m not making that up.  i’m not that clever.) and the state invertebrate fossil is the trilobite.  geez, they can pick a fossil but not a fish? what kinda people are these?  

alabama does not have a state beverage, thank god, i shudder to think what we’d pick. however, we do have a state amphibian (some kinda salamander) and a state quilt (pine burr quilt).  and of course two state fish.  neener!   

more info than you cared to know:
tennessee has six (6) state songs, which include “Tennessee Waltz” and “Rocky Top”. 
west virginia has an official state soil (Monongahela Silt Loam ) and june 23 is “west virginia day”.  i dunno what they celebrate.
mississippi’s state beverage is milk and it’s state stone is petrified wood.  ha. ha.
montana’s state fossil is the duck-billed dinosaur and it’s state grass is Bluebunch Wheatgrass.
c’mon ohio, even nebraska and idaho have state fish. nebraska’s state soft drink is kool aid. oh yeah!
north carolina’s state veggie is the sweet potato.
pennsylvania was able to pick out a fish (brook trout) and it’s insect is the firefly.
delaware’s state bird is the blue hen chicken and it’s state colors are “blue and buff”. what does that mean?
maryland’s state sport is jousting.
hey ohio, nevada is a damn desert and has a state fish Lahontan Cutthroat Trout.  

all’s i can figure is ohio must be lazy or something. geez, what kind of debate is small-eye or wall-mouth anyway? i mean, do ya really think the wall-eye fans will storm the capital if small-mouth wins? can you see the headline?

DERANGED FISHERMEN RIOT IN COLUMBUS AFTER LOSING HEATED DEBATE
or maybe:
BUCKEYE VOTES WALL-EYE
or:
SMALL-MOUTH GIVES WALL-EYE THE EVIL EYE  

whoa, that was bad. but really, i think ohio should dump both of those loser fish and pick a really cool fish instead, like the Incredible Mr. Limpet.  that would be a good fish for ohio.  “lady fish!” or that blue and yellow flounder from the Little Mermaid, i think they called him Flounder.  that would be neat. or hey! what about that tuna fish with the glasses? sorry charley! derp! okay, maybe i’m a dork. but at least my state has a state fish or two.  

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