The One About Light-Up Toe Gems

Category: weekleez

The One About Light-Up Toe Gems
January 15, 2002

weekly time!  

hi kids! welcome to the weekly! i’m your hostess with the most-ess, jaimie “precious princess” pickle!  er, where did that come from? anyway, tuesday at last.  here’s the deal, i had a weekly mostly written, it was about cars. and then this thing happened, i had a slice of pecan pie.  ok, this wasn’t just any pecan pie. it was my first slice of pecan pie, ever.   

that’s right, i’m 24 years old and i had never had the experience of pecan pie.  it’s not that i had never seen the pies before. my mom has conquistadored several pecan pies in my lifetime, i just haven’t tasted one ’til now.  see, i don’t like pecans. at all. i hate ’em.  nuts don’t belong in pies, cookies, or brownies. or ice cream for that matter. in fact, i can’t think of any use for pecans.

but there was this pie, see?
and i was kinda hungry, see?
but i wanted something sweet, see?
and there was this pie, see?
so i tasted it, dig?

and oh my gosh, pecan pie is the best thing ever! i mean, have you ever tasted it?!  it’s incredible!   so you see, there went the car weekly, right out the window.  move over muscle car, make room for the pecan pie! 

so then i had this thing about how pecan pie can save the world and blah blah peace on earth blah blah. but then, i received a gift.  

it was one of those “here’s a present jaimie, now where’s my cool nickname?” kinda things.  and let me tell you, this little token is worth far more than a cool name.  it’s worth a whole weekly!  so forget the pecan pie (that comes later) and let’s talk toe rings. what?  

cyndi “with an eye” nelson is an editor of the “life and times” department of the local paper. so i guess being an editor has some “perks”.  like, people send you things (mostly cookbooks and stuff that the life and times section would um, talk about) and so she gets free stuff right?  well, i guess she got some free stuff and decided that maybe if she gave it to me she could get a cool name.  well hey, that works for me!   

so cyndi gets this little “promo-pack” in the mail about this special item. and the envelope includes the special item and a letter that explains exactly what the special item is and other special items that this company makes.  so the product is heart-shaped plastic toe rings that flash as you walk.
*ahem*  HEART-shaped plastic TOE RINGS that FLASH as YOU WALK.
they are called Light-Up Toe Gems.  

and gems they are!  
the best part of the package is of course the letter that they sent to cyndi.  the “letterhead” has the company name in Comic Sans.  the worst font ever created.  but i’ll let that skip. 

here’s how it goes:  

Dear Editor,
ok, see? they realize that they are sending this to an editor.  an adult. probably with good editing skills.  

It’s that time of year again when young guys everywhere are looking for a unique way to show their Valentines how they really feel. Of course, there’s the traditional chocolate, flowers, and balloon bouquets, but this year, kewl guys in-the-know will be putting a sparkle in their Valentine’s eyes with Cosmic Giggles heart shaped Light-Up Toe Gems!
ok, so how do “young guys” “really feel” about their Valentines?  i mean, i gather they are interested somewhat seeing as how they must’ve circled ‘yes’ on the “do you like me? circle yes or no” letter they received from said Valentine, but really, what does that mean? does that entitle the “young guy” to buy her something? and if so, does it mean he has to buy her something cheap and plastic? and flashy?  i don’t know.
“kewl”? um, i’m not sure that’s good form for a business letter.  

A flashy, and oh-so-welcome alternative to traditional Valentine’s Day gift choices. These flashy heart-shaped “jewels” serve double duty as motion activated rings for either your toes or fingers that light-up with every step! They’re totally trendy and oh so kewl gem sets that come complete with a key chain pouch for safe keeping and colorful decals to help create a bold fashion statement!
eh, doubly duty?  oh-so-welcome, oh-so-kewl, oh-so-over use that phrase.  a bold fashion statement that says, “look what that doofus bought me.”  

Cosmic Giggles, the hot new line of high tech inspired light-up fashion accessories is truly lighting-up the hearts of young girls everywhere! Produced especially for today’s trend-conscious “tween” and teen girls -ages six to 16 – these ultra hot new products boast patented technology and dazzling designs!  Destined to create a flashy fashion frenzy, Cosmic Giggles carry manufacturers suggested retail prices ranging from only $9.99 to $14.99.  
um ok kids, let’s take a moment from that letter so’s i can explain how these “toe gems” work.  you know how when your flash light is broken and it won’t light unless you shake it violently? same principle with these “toe gems”.  it’s like a broken light that only lights when the two leads touch. so where they got “hi-tech” out of “broken toy light” i have no idea.  and $9.99? $14.99?!  um, i don’t think so.  sorry chet, your product is good, but it ain’t ten bucks good. dig? back to the letter.  

In addition to way rad Toe Gems, the Cosmic Giggles light-up jewelry line also includes the following totally techno accessories.
hey man, let’s tone it down with the adjectives, ok?  

*Electro Cool Light-Up Nails: Available in today’s most popular colors, these fashionable press-on nails light-up whenever you wave or move your hands! The Set includes a handy-dandy storage case and stick-on decals and gems for an ultra-glam look!
ok, may i suggest that when trying to hock your “hi-tech” wares you not use “handy-dandy” to describe something? i mean, that’s a phrase the Fuller Brush man would use.  ultra-glam. i shudder.  

*Electro Cool Light-Up Armband Tattoos: Slip on these stretchy armbands and they’ll light-up everytime you move your arm. They’re fun, flashy, and you don’t have to pay a fortune to have them surgically removed.
well then, how much DOES it cost to have them removed?  

*Electro Cool Light-Up Cell Phone Accents: These totally techno and fabulously fashionable necklaces and bracelets (each sold separately) light-up whenever an incoming call comes through on your cell phone and are ideal for when you’re at the library, the movies, a concert or dancing in a club!
totally techno fabulously fashionable putrid piece of oh-so-overpriced junk.  

Cosmic Giggles are available wherever toys and kids’ fashion accessories are sold. For more information on Cosmic Giggles, visit www.cosmicgiggles.com . 
by all means, check out that web site.  “high voltage fashion fun”.  high voltage? these people would freak out if they knew about 9volt batteries.  

We have enclosed a set of Cosmic Giggles Electro Cool Light-Up Toe-Gem to light-up your day and allow you to personally experience the most fabulous new fashion trend in the making!
was that even a sentence? engrish anyone?  

Upon review, i’m sure you will agree that these heart-shaped rings will make any lucky Valentine’s heart skip a flash – er, beat!
derp!  

Thank you for your time and consideration. I will call you later in the week to follow-up on your interest.  

Happy Valentine’s Day!  
Rebecca    

 

well, thanks becky for that lovely letter. i haven’t laughed that hard since i had to have that unsightly tattoo surgically removed from my cell phone – er, beat!  

anyway, there’s a bonus! at the bottom of the letter becky has provided an e-mail address, a phone number, and a fax number and well, i’m just dying to contact her! you guys have any ideas for any questions i could ask her about these fabulously fashionable techno trinkets?   

thanks so much cyndi for the fabulously fleem flip fleegan!  totally techno tweeter twit time-ticker! derp!  these light-up baubles are right up my alley!  i’ve been wearing one the whole time i’ve been typing this. it’s on my finger of course, i have on socksnshoes so my toes aren’t accessible, and i gotta admit, this cheap, barely flashing, heart-shaped piece of plastic is actually kinda fun.  it matches my hair. 
cyndi’s new spy club nickname is Heidi “the Shark” Johansen. she’s the editor, if you know what i mean.  you don’t want to be on the wrong side of her red pen.  

right, so about that pecan pie thing.  i need a recipe.  i need a recipe for the greatest pecan pie ever.  so if anyone out there would be so kind as to send a recipe this way, i’ll be ever so thankful.  you may even win a Martha award. i haven’t dealt out one of those since last, last december, when jennifer “cosmic giggles” finlayson made honest-to-god homemade hot chocolate. so dust off those cook books!  jaimie’s having a bake off!  derp.

your homework, should you choose to accept it, is to come up with something that i could bug Rebecca at Cosmic Giggles about and/or a pecan pie recipe. oh yeah, jimmy, when you buy me pretty baubles for VD, don’t bother with the cheap plastic flashing ones. i have those already. DERP!  

next week’s epitomb: oh my goodness, it was supposed to be about ladybugs this week. dang.  

jaimie “the most fabulous new fashion trend in the making” pickle

Tags:

No Comments

Comments are closed.