The One About Shrimp

Category: weekleez

The One About Shrimp
January 8, 2001

hi kids,  

right. so now that the holidaze are over i can finally get back to my routine of constantly worrying about this weekly e-mail thing. Weekly Hat….activated.  

first, some way cool people gave me stuff!  that means i gotta clear off more room on my desk here to fit all of this new free stuff! AND it means new nicknames for the spy club! which, by the way, laura “map-makah” bentley has started a webpage about the spy club and one day this week i’ll get it up and running.

mister Nathan Walton of Houston, TX (that’s right, houston! that’s in texas! oh my gosh!) sent me a care package consisting of 20 whirling flyers (plastic propellers that really fly!), two (2) glitter “exotic princess” stickers, a can of armadillo meat, and a nice friendly letter!  thanks nate-dog! (betcha hate that one, doncha?) anyway nathan’s cool nickname is Cowboy Zydeco or maybe just, The Cowboy, whichever he prefers.  he gets to drive the tank.  
mrs. Brandy Lauffer of Gadrock, AL gave me one of the coolest things in the world. you know how when you go to the doctor’s office you have to first sign in and there’s a pad and a pen on a chain and you have to write down your name and what doctor you are there to see and what time your appointment is for and do you have insurance y/n? well, she stole one of those pads for me!  isn’t that cool?!  her nickname is Margaret O’ Magma, aka “Meltdown Maggie” or Mags. she’s the demolition expert.  
and Mr. Beard *wink* of oatmeal for girls fame, sent another trinket my way:  a light-up, Lord of the Rings, Frodo the Hobbit Goblet!  it’s a glass goblet that actually lights up!  i mean, it’s a cup right? a chalice, dig? and you flip a switch, yo? and it lights up!  it glows red.  one could even say it is a grail-shaped beacon!  how cool is that?!  thanks Mr. Beard *wink*! now, it wouldn’t make any sense to give Mr. Beard *wink* a new nickname because well, it just wouldn’t make any sense, but we can promote him!  from now on he is Special Agent Mr. Beard *wink* master of disguise.  

right-o! on with the weekly!

they (them, whoever they are. freemasons pro’ly.) have built a new Captain D’s oops, heh heh, Flaptian Flee’s Express right down the road from where i live and well, as if fast-food seafood wasn’t bad already they had to go and make it even faster?  wha? express? i just… don’t…get it.
anyway, i was talking with some peeps the other day and the topic was seafood and well, of course, everyone loves shrimp. i mean, you either love shrimp or you’re allergic to it.  i’ve never heard anyone say, “eh, shrimp’s alright. i guess.” it’s always, “Man, i love shrimp!” or, “i love shrimp, but when i eat it, i break out in hives and my throat swells up and i spend the whole night swallowing ice cubes.” um, but you know.   

but shrimp is like, weird, right? i mean, i’m leery of the little bas- um, things. if my father is grilling shrimp then i know it’s okay. it’s clean. the shrimp have been “de-veined”. yeah right, that ain’t no vein. you know what it is. but uh, when you go to a restaurant, they don’t, um, clean them.  

so yeah, shrimp are great to eat. awesome even. but take away that spritz of fresh lemon and that tangy, spicy cocktail sauce and damn, it’s just a bottom-feeding, sea bug. and if shrimp weren’t ocean dwelling creatures, if they were “land lubbers” we wouldn’t eat those things any sooner than we’d eat a giant tarantula. 

ok sure, there’s the occasional misplaced french person willing to suck the “juices” from the heads of mudbugs or crayfish or whatever you want to call them.  but really, the french have awful taste in food. snails anyone? and don’t send me mail telling me that snails taste good. it’s an actual slime bag. why are you eating it?  

wait a minute…i was talking about shrimp.  

if shrimp weren’t seafood i don’t think we’d eat them. have you ever seen one of those things? crawling along the sandy ocean floor? slurping heaven knows what off the cruddy bottom of da sea?  dey’s freaky lookin’! i mean, if you saw a live shrimp crawling awkwardly on your bed, i daresay your first response wouldn’t be, “honey, get the net and some butter. we’re eatin’ good tonight!” heck no. it would go something like this, “AIEEEEEE! what the hell is that?! honey! come quick! there’s some kind of alien space bug on the bed! kill it! kill it! DIE DIE DIE!”  

and for as freaky looking and disgusting as those things are they sure are expensive aren’t they? dang!  

i went to Fled Flobster the other night and decided to splurge. so i got the cajun shrimp pasta. (okay, i won’t eat their mudbugs, but i do love the spicy food!) and i dunno if it was an off night or what, but that was the worst shrimp dinner ever. i don’t blame the shrimp. 
i think what i got was a bird’s nest covered in cat sick with a couple of shrimp on top. that crap cost me $13.00.  geez louise, how do you screw up noodles? i mean, they’re like, idiot proof, aren’t they?  apparently not.  one side of the dish had noodles so overcooked that they were disintegrating, the other side had noodles that were like pine straw. the sauce was, um, not spicy. it wasn’t even salty. it wasn’t anything. it was just white. and the shrimp weren’t even blackened or seasoned or anything! i mean, what’s so cajun about white sauce?! 
i mean, i’m not asking for the chef to “kick it up a notch” or anything, just “kick it” or don’t bother calling it “cajun shrimp”.  hoowee? derp! gack. and i guess they melted some “cheese” on top of it, maybe…’cause there was this fluorescent orange grease floating on top of the bland as kansas white sauce. come on Red! throw me a bone here.  or a ‘nanner samich or something!  

yep. so that’s my rant on shrimp.  was it boring? well it didn’t cost you $13.00!  

next week’s epitomb: ladybugs. as requested by Dr. Baldwin.  

jaimie “they’d pro’ly screw up a ‘nanner samich too” pickle

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