The One About The Lord of the Rings

Category: weekleez

The One About the Lord of the Rings
December 26, 2001

hi kids! and welcome to the weekly!  

i hope everyone had a great Christmas. the Pickle House had a good one, thanks for asking. right, on with it then. this weekly may contain “spoilers” for the movie, The Lord of the Rings. if this matters to you, than you really should’ve seen the movie by now. i mean, what kind of “fan” are you? also, the word (or a variation of the word) ass is used several times in this e-mail.  how cool is that?  

it is my only regret that i could not get this out to you guys sooner. perhaps i could’ve saved many of you a little bit of money and a whole lot of time. you see, i had the terrible misfortune of seeing The Lord of the Rings last wednesday.  

now first let me admit that i’ve never read any of the Tolkien books. i know, i know. it’s not that i think that the books would be horrible or anything, i’m certain that they are quite enjoyable and well-written, after all, millions of literary fantasy geeks can’t be wrong can they? of course not, the books are probably “all that”.  

my problem with reading fantasy books (not the porn kind) is that you have to learn all about the fantasy places and people before you can actually start to read the “good part” book (porn is much easier). i don’t have that kind of time (porn is much faster), nor am i that interested in learning about histories and cultures of made-up places and people. this is also the reason i can’t get into sci-fi. and ok, usually the sci-fi characters aren’t that well-developed (like porn!). it’s the uber-technology that i don’t have time to comprehend, you know, like jeff goldblum “hacking” into the alienspaceship thingy with his Win95 laden laptop. that being said, i was really looking forward to seeing The Lord of the Rings because
a. hollywoodland told me i’d like it
b. it would save me from reading the book
3. it looked like it’d be pretty
d. it seemed like a good idea at the time  

well,
a. they lied
b.i’ll try not to judge the book by the movie
3. it had some pretty parts. it wasn’t as “thomas kincade” as i thought it would be. (that’s a good thing)
d. getting a degree in art seemed like a good idea at the time too  

so anyway, LOTR is the first of three (3) movies and boy, am i tickled to death. (note the sarcasm) the story, (epic, rather) takes place in Middle Earth, or as we call it, the Netherlands.  

Hour One
the first hour of the movie is sort of like a huge prologue with a bit of exposition. we learn about how the hobbits, wee people with dirty feet (think Dutch), ended up with an evil ring. basically it breaks down like this: back in the day there were these 19 rings given to these kingdoms and there was this bad-ass named Sauron and he made his own ring (making it a nice even 20 rings) but it’s an evil ring, and so he’s the bad-guy and has a huge army of orcs (think early German tribes). and there was this good-guy king and he leads an army against the bad-guys (we’ll call him Charlemagne). so Charley defeats Sauron and thus the ring ends up in the hands of a hobbit. er, that’s the short version.  

now, we all know that the Dutch have been in the jewelery bidness a long time, right? (de Beers, anyone?) so it’s no mystery that the ring ends up with the hobbits and more specifically Bilbo Baggins and more specifically again, Frodo Baggins. the thing is, Sauron isn’t really dead, bad-asses just don’t “die”. they always come back. for their evil ring. and so the exposition begins. again.  

Hour Two
so the deal is, the ring must go, but not just anyone can destroy it, it must be taken back to the evil place in which it was created, and of course, not just one person can do it, so all the important kingdoms send out their best “warrior” to decide what should be done and they end up in this alliance (Union of Utrecht 1579).  

so this “phlegm de la phlegm” (the 9 most important characters) become the “fellowship of the ring”. their mission is to get the evil ring to Mt. Doom which is in the land of Mordor (see, i paid attention). there, they must destroy the ring thus destroying Sauron “for real”.   anyway, this “fellowship” is Frodo (the ring-bearer hobbit) and his three hobbit buddies Sam, Dinky, and Chet. there is a dwarf named Gimli and an elf named Legolas (protestant church movement and the french). there’s two human men Boromir (plot device) and Aragorn (William, Prince of Orange). and oh yeah, there’s an old wizard with a long grey beard named Harry Potter or Gandalf or something.  

ok, so now that all the characters have met they and the movie can now “get on with it” and mosey over to Mt. Doom. their adventure includes them being chased by wraiths and goblins. and then they are chased by orcs. and then they are chased by birds. and then they are chased by a giant squid. and then they are chased by more orcs. and then they are chased by a fire-demon. and then they are chased by some really suped-up orcs.  

also in hour two we learn that Galderf’s wizard mentor, Saruman (Phillip II of Spain), has turned bad and wants to help Sauron come back and conquer Holland.  
also in hour two we meet some elves. one named Liv and another one named Cate. and then we promptly forget about them. because what is mainly being focused on is the repetitive chase scenes, which is half of the movie. the other half of the movie consists of close-up still-shots of grubby hands holding a gold ring. exposition. exposition. exposition.  

Hour Three
Gandrup and Boromint die. no one cares. more chasing. more fighting. no one cares. the evil army attacks everyone one at a time and no one cares. the only thing you do care about is your ass and how it’s molded itself into the shape of the theater seat, and also how you’re going to have to call your chiropractor in the morning.  

at the “end”, Frodo and Sam are on their way to Mt. Doom, the other hobbmutts have been kidnapped. the dwarf, the elf and the other guy who isn’t dead (William of Orange) are on their way to meet Frodo and Sam, i guess, must’ve fallen asleep during that part. but most importantly, no one has made it to Mordor yet. the movie ends and really, nothing new has happened since the first hour of the movie. where’s my rising action? where’s my climax and resolution? i realize it’s only part one, but come on…at least give the movie an ending.  

it was horrible. the theater was packed and when the flick ended everyone walked out a stunned silence. i couldn’t even make a complete sentence for 20 minutes after watching it, “whaa? bahhaaha..fnanananana..ramalamdingdong.”  

was it really that bad? yes. yes it was.  

the only people who enjoyed this flick are the die-hard Tolkien fans (poor shemps), the drones who like any movie hollywoodland tells them to like and any shemp who, after being sucker-punched by TNT’s production of The Mists of Avalon said, “Please sir, may I have another?”  

gads. if you gotta go to the movies, go see Harry Potter. again.  
i suppose the sequel, The Two Towers, will come out next year, maybe? and in the next three hour installment the Netherlands finally win it’s independence from Spain, and Frodo helps create the Dutch trade industry, and incidently, the Anglo-Dutch Wars.  
or um, something.  

anyway, that’s just like, my opinion, man. and so, to be fair, this next section of the weekly was written by a fan of the movie, my leetle brahther, Justin.  

Whoa….hehehe…i’m on the weekly….hehehehe POOP!!! hehehehehehe
Jaimie, Jaimie, Jaimie How can you have not liked this movie. Its only been the best movie that came out this year! Sure it was kinda, well super duper long, but there wasn’t a dull moment in the whole thing. You can’t help but pay attention to the entire show(not flick!), i mean you don’t even get a chance to let your mind wonder. The surround sound was awsome, it was totally freakin’ LOUD!, lots of fighting! (thats a good thing), and some killer music that just really kept you highly entertained throughout the whole thing. The actors were really good too, and they all kinda had these british accents, which suprises me that Jaimie didn’t like this movie, i thought she liked anything british! She liked Harry Potter, wasn’t he british? hmmmmm Harry Potter is aimed to the 6-13 year old audience, and Jaimie really liked it… so I guess Jaimie has the attention span of a 13 year old!

Ok, they’re not always beeing chased, they’re on a journey and they run into a lot of hardships on the way, and if they don’t want to be killed they either run away or stay and fight. Which they do both, alot, and its cool! You don’t like stories about journies and obstacles to climb Jaimie?! wait a minute, isn’t one of your favorite movies The Wizard of Oz? hmmm sounds kinda familiar! But The Wizard of Oz is a “classic” huh, and you like the “classics”, well you know the only reason they’re “classics” is because Hollywoodland told everyone to like it back then too!  

Its a good movie! I like with movies with lots of eyecandy, and the story’s pretty good too, we just got the beginning, this movie WAS the rising action, the climax will come as well as the resolution. Here’s what went through my mind during the movie:
Hour one
WOW!!!!! The first scene was the coolest scene i’ve ever seen in a movie. it was 10 times cooler than the war scenes in Braveheart! then it takes you to the shire, and wow everythings green and pretty, and hey look they DO have big harry feet like it was decribed to me in the book. and then, hey look there’s Bilbo, he was in The Hobbit, hey Gandalf and frodo are talking about that dragon from The Hobbit. I remember the dragon! (Jaimie doesn’t). and then WHOA!!!!! those fireworks are AWSOME! and then the Wraiths on horseback were pretty bad-ass, i was scared, hehehehe midgits are funny, WHOA , there’s Strider, he’s a bad-ass! wow he can kill a lot of badguys. Gandalf is COOL! WOW a fight between 2 wizards! AWESOME!

Hour Two
Alright, we got us a posse! hey, isn’t that elf the guy from Malcom In The Middle? and the other warrior guy, isn’t that the guy in Grounded for Life?  These fight scenes are COOL! wow another one! BONUS! What the hell is that?!?!?! Thats the ugliest, scariest orc in the world! He’s cool! This movie is cool! Wow Frodo is really growing up and becoming pretty wise isn’t he? aw man Gandalf can’t die! hey…is Liv Tyler gonna be in the movie again?

Hour Three
Wow those arrows that big nasty orc is shooting are HUGE! Fight, Fight, Fight, yeah! Cool! oh….its over….wow what time is it?   I give it two thumbs up, yes it was too long, but so was the Godfather. (Did he just say The Godfather was too long?!?!*gasp*) If you have to spend $7.75 to see a movie this year, this one is worth the money actually.    

ok kids, there you have it, the Pickle Kids’ two cents on that movie. apparently you either love it or hate it.  

next week’s epitomb: the Weekly for guys who like the Weekly  
jaimie “boromint: the fresh maker” pickle
justin “better than jaimie” pickle  

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