Happy Holidays From Apt 711

Category: weekleez

hi kids,
and a happy holiday funtime to you and yours! yeah, that’s right, more holiday tripe. dinna worry, december will be over soon.  

this week’s weekly is special however, as it is the “traditional” yearly newsletter spoof.  i have attached the “nice” picture to this e-mail, check the website for the “livingroom christmas scene” with numbered legend. so with out much further ado, here is the third-person yearly newsletter:    

Happy Holidays from Apartment 711!  

Wow, has it been a year already? This complete year of suck has sure flown by fast for Laura and Jaimie! Why, you’d almost think that they didn’t sit around every month and say “It’s the 15th already? But yesterday was just like the 1st! Where did my youth go? This is not my beautiful house!”

First some updates:
The girls still live in that dump they call “that place where all our stuff is” or as some of you might call it, “home”. Good ol’ Apartment #711. Their air conditioning only broke once every two weeks this summer, which is an improvement from summer 2000, when the unit broke every week.

And they’re sure to have a brisk winter this year as they have already noticed that the heat only blows out cold air! They would call their “super” and have it fixed, but if there’s one thing they’ve learned about Good ol’ Apartment #711 it’s that there’s not a competent maintenance worker on the premises. Besides, their fingers are so numb from the cold they can’t even dial a phone!

This holiday season they plan on battling the cold with lots of blankets and by baking cookies so they can use the oven (which, surprisingly works!) as a heat source. If there’s one thing you can count on, it’s Laura and Jaimie’s clever solutions to idiotic problems as well as their ability to incorporate fire hazards into their everyday lives. You should see them at restaurants!

One of their other clever solutions to their “home” problems is to just avoid the place! Jaimie is by far the better of the 2 at this, but Laura is a fast-learner. They’ve had several adventures this year all of which did not happen at Good ol’ Apartment #711!

Their first adventure involved West Palm Beach, Florida, a yacht, and lots of drunk men hitting on them! Laura handled the situation by sending the drunk men to fetch her things. Jaimie solved her problem by seeing how many pina coladas she could drink! I think the girls would agree, the less said about that adventure the better!

Their second adventure was spelunking! Spelunking means “cave exploring”. That’s right! Earlier this year our girls and several of their friends found themselves deep within the earth’s crust. They learned a super lot from that adventure: caves are very dark, bats really do live in caves (and they fly!), and it’s not a good idea to find out that you’re claustrophobic when you’re in a “tunnel” so small that you have to squish along the muddy, rocky cave bottom on your soft, t-shirt clad stomach! A good time was had by all, except Laura and Jaimie. Laura found her “happy place” while Jaimie just cried like a baby. Thank you Liz, Chad, Chris & Jimmy for leading the girls into the twilight zone – they will never, ever forget it! No matter how hard they try!

Those two girls and their adventures…

But hey, their lives aren’t all fun and games. In fact, they have to “work” for a living. Of course, “work” for Laura and Jaimie means, “look busy and get paid”. Laura still looks busy and gets paid at the local newspaper as the graphic artist. She makes maps. Jaimie looks busy and gets paid at a local sign shop. Jaimie loves signs!

No wedding bells sounded for Laura and Jaimie this year, but if they’re still together in March, common law will take care of that. Everyone in Rainbow City assumes they’re a couple anyway! On the side Laura is cheating on Jaimie with a really super-great guy named Kris. Her grandmother approves because a) he is a pastor’s son and b) she has not met him yet. We think she’ll love his tattoos, pierced nipples and pet snakes! Ha ha, we’re only kidding! Laura’s grandmother likes *any* kind of nipple!

As for Jaimie and Jimmy…are those wedding bells i hear? No, that’s just your tinnitus. Oh well, there’s always next year…or the next…maybe. They can’t figure out what the fuss is all about. Why spend all that money on a wedding when they can “live in sin” for free? duh!

What else has been going on?

Oh no! Laura wrecked her car! (R.I.P. Nissan Sentra) So she got a new one. (Why, hello there, Toyota Corolla) Luckily, she wasn’t hurt too bad, but she did have intensive neck therapy at one of the local witch-doctors (oops!) chiropractic clinics. They didn’t rip her off too bad because insurance paid for everything!

Jaimie’s big, red Jeep is running fine, but her colon isn’t! Boy oh boy, she’s had diarrhea for over a year! She’s gone through two specialists and one colonoscopy. She still has diarrhea, but has not lost her sense of humour! Yet.

They are still in a band called Even So and Jaimie wrote a song for it called “Sucks to be You.” Oh, that Jaimie and her “take” on “life.” For Laura, being in a band this year meant the chance to have a stalker (’cause Laura is much nicer in e-mail than in person) and repeatedly be mistaken for Liz.
Laura is still working on her teen romance novel, Locker Material. Jaimie is still currently writing a snide, yet sometimes halfway knowledgeable e-mail that she “publishes” “weekly”.   They are both in therapy. still.  

Best Wishes to you this Holiday Season,
The Girls at Apartment 711  

 

and there you have it. i think even Martha would be proud.  

and here’s the other picture that laura took, complete with numbered legend:

1. the tiny christmas tree in all it’s tiny glory.
2. the torchier light. the electrical outlet is one of those stupid ones connected to the light switch. it’s rather annoying. also, this lamp provides the only light in the livingroom. bright little bastard isn’t it?
3. jaimie’s huge 4’x6′ gear painting that she’s never hung on the wall. we don’t know if she’s just lazy or embarrased.
4. the couch and it’s many afghan blankets. the apartment is so cold we must provide a blanket for each visitor. it’s kind of embarrassing sure, but it doesn’t stop people from coming over. liz always uses the green one.
5. um, not sure what number 5 is pointing to. laura? what the hell is number 5? is it the filthy carpet that has always looked stained and dirty? is it my random papers and research about the John Birch Society that i’ve left on the floor for 3 weeks? is it your red guitar? or the curious roll of duct tape?
6. dammit LB, you know there’s not supposed to be a number six! i guess number 6 is my shoes? the “hall tree”? jimmy’s TV that he lovingly donated to us? next time we should use lines or arrows.
7. er, that’s me hidden behind the coat rack (i said ‘rack’) holding what appears to be a beverage of some sort. pro’ly booze.

next week tuesday happens to be christmas day.  i dunno if i’ll send anything or not.  you never can tell. 
aw, shucks. you know me, i’ll pro’ly send something.  

by the way, dan got a speeding ticket last week, so next time you see him be sure to point and laugh.
*sigh* canadians.  

next week’s epitomb: what’s in jaimie’s stocking?  

jaimie “i smell a rat” pickle

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