The One About Christmas pt. II

Category: weekleez

The One About Christmas pt. II
December 11, 2001

David’s commentary is in santa (or satan) red.

hi kids!

it’s still December and that means it’s still Christmastime and that means i still have to (yes, have to) rant about Christmas, as i promised i would. and if there’s one thing i won’t do it’s break a Christmas promise.  whatever.  

but before i delve into the Christmas, first a couple of important announcements.  

first, today is Kelly Bullock’s birthday! or so i’ve been told.  Happy Birthday, you old goat!  i know you may be wondering, “who is Kelly bullock? and why does that name sound so familiar?” well, maybe ’cause Kelly is the famous porn star from that popular christmas-porn, Cookies for Santa. (trust me, that was tame. i had much funnier ones, but they were just too racy.)  oh wait a sec, Kelly’s mom is on this list. (hi Mrs. N!)  nevermind the porn thing.  um, Kelly was Time’s Woman of the Year 1982! 
yay! happy birthday kells.  

second, tomorrow is my mom’s birthday! happy birthday mom!  mom’s don’t do porn.  but she is famous.  

third, my leetle brahther, justin, was chosen as MTSU’s greatest bass guitar player ever, and is now part of the jazz band or show band or whatever.  he’s more funky than bootsy. yes he is.  yes. he. is. however, it just goes to show ya, “once a band nerd always a band nerd”. sorry dude, i had to.  jimmy made me.  

now for the Christmas flava-ed weekly.  

well, i thought about making fun of Christmas carols. but there are so many of them.  and plus, when you start talking about Christmas songs you tend to get them caught in your head for decades and really, who needs that? so i’ve decided to take ten (9) of the most popular Christmas stories (i could think of) and “discuss” them.  

10.  well obviously, the Christmas story. the one from the Bible.  it’s the story of the baby Jesus.  go read it. now. Luke chapter 2. go!go!go! look, there’s no way i’m making fun of this one (well, except for the frankincense and myrrh thing from last week).  
i think i was in a Christmas program at church for like, 14 years in a row.  and i always had to be a reader.  ’cause i can read real good (ha).  i never got to be mary. ever.  i wanted to be mary ’cause she didn’t have a speaking part. ever.  but no.  i had to read. i mean, c’mon! you’d think out of 14+ years i’d get to be mary at least once!  oh well.  

I thought A Christmas Story was about a kid that wanted a Red Ryder B-B gun for Christmas?

9. A Christmas Carol. this is the Charles Dickens novel about mr. scrooge.  and mr. scrooge hates Christmas. and three ghosts visit him one night and scare him into liking Christmas. the ghosts put it to him like this, “you can either straighten up and like Christmas like you used to, or you can die and go to hell.” he chooses Christmas. it’s much, much longer than that, but that’s the gist of the story.  also there is a crippled boy named tiny tim.  he sings and plays the ukulele.  

Brook and I (and a bunch of our Christian Brothers pals) once took on A Christmas Carol. We did it as if Monte Python had produced it.  The story has some potential. All you’d need are some dead parots, budgies, and Mary Queen of Scots. People have just been doing it all wrong down through the years.

8. The Grinch Who Stole Christmas by Dr. Seuss. aka “the greatest story ever told”.  the best part about this story is you can watch it on TV and it’s narrated by Boris “frankincense” Karloff AND the whole thing rhymes!  it RHYMES.  plus it gave us such phrases as “roast beast” and “Who hash”.   

Whohash…one word. Dr. Suess rules!!!

7. Frosty the Snowman. well, first off, wacky premise!  a snowman that comes to life when he wears his magic hat!  fun!  and he sings songs! and when he first comes to life he yells, “happy birthday!” fun!  i dunno you guys, is it really fun?  is Frosty “all that”? doesn’t he have a girlfriend named Frieda or something? can anyone confirm that for me?  i can’t remember if he’s got a chick or not.  it’s not important, what is important is that i’m confused. 
i mean, Jack Frost is like the bad guy in the Frosty stories, right? but if Jack Frost goes away, spring is um, sprung and Frosty dies.  so i mean, is JF really so bad? he’s just tryin’ to represent, yo? word!  

I’d like to take after ol’Frosty with a blow torch. I never cared for the *#@! iceman.

6. look, not even at Christmastime is there a number 6. i don’t know why you bother looking.  

5.The Legend of Snegurochka. (werd, am i da bomb dot com or what?) this is a russian tale and um, it’s a lot like Frosty. only it’s better ’cause it’s foreign.  snegurochka is russian for snowmaiden, i guess. anyway, the story is about a couple who live in er, somewhere in the former soviet union and their names were ivan and maria and they had no kids.  and they were sad ’cause they could hear the neighbor kids laughing and playing in the snow and so they built a snow girl and then in a manic fit they call the snow girl to life. and she comes to life. and everyone is happy. until of course, spring.  the snowgirl melts and everyone is sad during summertime.  but lucky for russia, summertime only lasts for like, 5 hours and when winter time rolled back around, snegurochka came back and stayed with her winter family again.  and now every winter she comes back.  with a ton of dirty laundry. *sigh* kids.  

I’ll pass. I like the video The Snowman. It’s short, artsy, and the music is incredible. Make that number 6.

4. Yes Virginia, There is a Santa Claus. ok, so this is what happened: back in 1897, a little girl named Virginia O’ Hanlon wrote a letter to the New York Sun, which was a newspaper at that time, and she wrote, “I am 8 years old. Some of my little friends say there is no Santa Claus. Papa says, “If you see it in The Sun, it’s so.” Please tell me the truth, is there a Santa Claus?” well, the editor (Francis Church) of the paper wrote the now famous response, but the thing is, his answer was like, five (5) paragraphs long.  and the first paragraph was this,
“Virginia, your little friends are wrong. They have been affected by the skepticism of a skeptical age. They do not believe except they see. They think that nothing can be which is not comprehensible by their little minds. All minds, Virginia, whether they be men’s or children’s are little. In this great universe of ours, man is a mere insect, an ant, in his intellect as compared with the boundless world about him, as measured by the intelligence capable of grasping the whole of truth and knowledge.”

Please…no more.

ok, so like, were 8 year olds geniuses back then or am i just an idiot? i mean, was little Virginia O’ Hanlon supposed to get that? then the guy talks about fairies dancing on the lawn…? and he goes on to say “…but there is a veil covering the unseen world which not the strongest man, nor even the united strength of all the strongest men that ever lived could tear apart. Only faith, poetry, love, romance, can push aside that curtain and view and picture the supernatural beauty and glory beyond. Is it all real? Ah, Virginia, in all this world there is nothing else real and abiding.”  

I’d love to attack that image with a high powered rifle or an AK47. Chalk four more dead fairies Fred. They make the oddest little poofing sound when they are hit.  

whatever dude. just say, “yes” and we’ll move on.
8 year olds dude.  

3. The Night Before Christmas. there seems to be some conflict over who wrote this one. it doesn’t matter. IT RHYMES.  not only that, but it starts out with the word, t’was.  my favorite version of this is the one with Bugs Bunny reading it. but the good part is, besides of course the rhyming, is that it’s short and easy to understand.  i mean, the most confusing thing about it is, “why does, ma have a ‘kerchief?” or “what’s a sash?” it’s all just good, wholesome, zany fun!  

The kerchief and sash relate to some S&M stuff that I don’t think should have been part of the story at all. The Night Before Christmas was originally published in a newspaper years ago. It’s ground zero for the America version of Santa Claus. That and Coca-cola. The images of Santa on cokes are responsible for our Santa looking the way he does.  I once read The Night Before Christmas to an audience as Jack Nickolson. I liked the way that Jack says…the moon on the breast of the new fallen snow…

2. The Gift of the Magi by O. Henry.  ok look, i get the story.  really i do.  but i still hate it. it always gives me a stomach ache.  she (della) cuts off all her hair and sells it to buy her husband (james) a chain for his watch while he sells his watch to buy her some fancy combs for her luxurious long hair.  see how much they love each other?  maybe next year they’ll have a better game plan.  i mean, thank god these people didn’t have any kids!
“i had to sell your mom and my good watch to buy you kids christmas this year.”  

That story is so true to life that I don’t really want to watch it.  Damn, I wish there really was a Santa Claus.

but the Christmas story that freaks me out the most…  

1. A Christmas Memory by Truman Capote.  i would rather eat a copy of The Gift of the Magi than have to read or watch this autobiographical nightmare ever again.  and the thing is, i’ll never have to read it or watch it again because i can’t forget it.  it’s that burned into my brain. 
it’s the one about the little boy, an old woman, and fruitcakes. it’s really a beautiful story but my god, the depravity. it makes Magi seem downright campy. look, no description of this tale would do it justice.  so i suggest you read it. it’s pretty short and there’s a 3 legged chicken. you’ll only have to read it once.  and if it doesn’t kill you, know that you’ll never have to read it again.  also know that anytime you hear the word fruitcake you’ll get a tear in your eye and of course, the obligatory bile taste on the back of your throat.  

That’s not what I remember about the story at all. It’s about these two thugs that go into this families house late at night and tie them up and blow them away with shot guns. Robert Blake plays the childlike killer. The music is the perfect soundtrack for a nightmare.  I think the whole title of the movie is The In Cold Blood Christmas Memories of Truman Capote. I don’t remember the three legged chicken. Maybe the chicken was in a scene but I don’t remember it. Maybe the three legged chicken was really a rooster…who knows.

man, that story freaks me out.  

well, there you have it.  i left out the Charlie Brown Christmas and Rudolf the Red-nosed Reindeer and the Island of Misfit Toys even though they are both classics and wonderful. and i also left out the Nightmare Before Christmas because, to be honest, Tim Burton scares me more than Truman Capote, although it’s close.  

I can’t stand that Rudolf special! I can’t stand any of those 1960’s stop action specials. The only one I did like was that Norelco Shave commercial that only lasted 30 seconds.

next week’s epitomb: the 2001 edition of Happy Holidays from Apartment 711 (with picture).  

jaimie “it’s the hap- happiest season of all…” pickle

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