The One About Christmas pt. I

Category: weekleez

The One About Christmas pt. I
December 4, 2001

well kids, it’s december. 

officially we can start complaining about – i mean – talking about christmas.  and let’s see, you guys have about 20 shopping daze left to buy me sumpin’. so you know, keep that in mind. 

i’m toying around (pun very much intended) the idea of having a theme this month. a christmas theme. each week i’ll throw out a christmas related topic and stomp it ’til it screams and we all laugh.  ’tis the season, and all that.  

but let’s start this weekly christmas season out right. forget santa. forget elves (horrible curs). forget stockings and spiked eggnog. and let’s focus for a minute on a wee babe.
a little baby boy that would change the world.
a little baby boy born to teach the world that good can overcome evil.
a little baby boy that reminds us what this christmas season is all about, commercialism.  

and of course i’m talking about harry potter.  

that’s right. Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone has opened up just in time for christmas which means just in time for “mommy! mommy! buy me…”
so not only will it cost you $40 to take your 2.5 children to the movies to sit through a 2 and one half hour flick that will simply “enchant” the whole family, but there is also a slew of HP products out there for you to purchase, wrap, and slap under that pagan-turned-christian-traditional christmas tree for your wee ones. harry potter books, action figures, dolls, broomsticks, animatronic dragons, wrist watches, pillows, bed linens, back packs (i believe that’s rucksack for you, rowan), hats, mittens, scarves, shoes, and other necessary apparel.
candy, beach towels, place mats, cups, saucers, spoons, throw blankets, stickers, non-toxic lightning bolt tattoos (safe enough to put on your wee one’s soft, impressionable noggin), games, puzzles, comics, and yes, even packages of Bertie Bott’s Every Flavor Beans.  

ah yes, christianity’s worst nightmare: a fictional, 11 year old boy.
and you thought satan claus was bad.  

oh well, ’tis the season, and all that.  

so this year kids may have no idea what the heck frankincense and myrrh is, but they do know all about quidditch, bludgers, quaffles, and the golden snitch. and really, what’s the problem? i still don’t know what myrrh is. and let’s be honest, is there anyone out there who, upon hearing the word frankincense, does not picture a magi with a green head and neck-bolts saying, “myrrh….goooood!” anyone? i didn’t think so.  

so has this year’s christmas become tainted with witchcraft, superstitions, and other evils? er, no more than usual. i think we’re all going to be okay.  

but still, i can’t figure out what’s worse, that perhaps this year’s baby in the manger might be overshadowed by a kid on a broomstick, or the fact that i liked Harry Potter so darn much.  

and really what’s not to like? i mean, hollywoodland really did a good job with this one. chris “Adventures in Babysitting” columbus directed the movie which is basically like this one huge special effect. and the music was scored by john “Starwars” williams, i mean, really, what could be more perfect? it even has good actors! first there’s robbie “hey, wasn’t he that russian dude from that Bond movie?” coltrane, richard “my god, he’s still alive?” harris, alan “metatron” rickman, maggie “the mother superior from Sister Act” smith, and john “dead parrot” cleese! and even the kids playing harry, ron, and hermione do a great job.  the only thing that bothered me was that the kid playing ron had this permanent wince throughout the whole movie, it was as if he bit into a bitter/sour/nasty pistachio before he did all his scenes.  what’s up with that?  

so anyway, this holiday season be sure to remember the real “reason for da season” and then, for crying outs, take the kids to the movies.  sheesh.  

hey special bonus!  while i was struggling to write this week’s weekly i had asked laura “font diva” bentley for some help.  as usual, she was no help at all.  but she did suggest that i write a 12 Days of Christmas spoof involving harry potter.  like that song needs spoofing, it’s the dumbest of all christmas songs, no? i mean, what’s with all the birds?  i don’t get it. but anyway, i told laura that i was not clever enough to spoof the song, and begged her for another suggestion.  well, she never gave me one, well, other than that long walk/short pier thing… anyway, at work today i received a fax from laura and turns out she wrote a 12 Days of Harry Potter and i’m not sure if that means she’s more clever than me or just has way too much free time.  either way i’m tickled to death that she wrote something so here ’tis:  
On the 12th Day of Potter, Albus Dumbledore gave to me…
12 Muggles mugging
11 Slytherins sniping
10 Ravenclaws raving
9 Gryffindors grinning
8 Hufflepuffs a-huffing
7 Wands a-waving
6 Bertie Bott’s Beans
5 Gol-den Snitches!
4 Remembralls
3 Quidditch robes
2 Phoenix feathers
And a ticket for Hogwart’s Express!  

thanks LB!  you da whoa-man. i do apologize for getting that tune stuck in your head all day, but i don’t think it could be any worse than having johnny cash’s Ring of Fire rattling around your head for over a week.  it’s slowly killing me.   

and here’s a link of the week as suggested by kucumber joe, http://www.konstruktiv.net/kitty_02.html 
thanks kucumbah!  (how on earth did you find that?)  

next week’s christmas flavored epitomb: The Gift of the Magi and why it angers me so.  

jaimie “and it burns, burns, burns…that ring of fire” pickle

when i told my leetle brahther that i had seen the harry potter movie the first thing he asked was, “do the kids really eat chocolate covered frogs?” i was expecting him to make fun of me.  but no. chocolate frogs.  that “little” justin always keeps me guessing.   if you’d like to be removed from this list because you think i’m going to hell for liking the harry potter, then all you hafta do is ask.    

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