The One About the Whiskey Rebellion and Sin Tax

Category: weekleez

The One About the Whiskey Rebellion and Sin Tax
November 27, 2001

hey kids. rock ‘n roll.  

ok, so i got a playstation2 over the weekend. you guys are lucky to get anything at all this week. derp!  

so dad comes up to me the other day and says, “man, let me tell you about the Whiskey Rebellion!” and i’m thinking, “hmm. that sounds familiar.” and he starts telling me all about the Whiskey Rebellion and well, thanks History Channel.  but he was really impressed by that whole bit of rarely talked about American history (the Whiskey Rebellion, keep up.). and after he told me all about it i became impressed with it. i can’t explain it. i mean, Whiskey Rebellion. who cares?  

and i really hate to give you guys another history lesson so soon after the whole Quaker/Shaker sha-bang. and i hate it even more that it’s an American history lesson ’cause well, yikes.  and i know that i promised one about Harry Potter and evilness but um, i need to uh, see the movie first…well, again. and i should probably read the book six or seven more times.  what? obsessed? what are you talking abou- hey! don’t make me cast a spell on you! i’ll do it. i will.  
anyway, Potter coming soon.  

ok, so Whiskey Rebellion. instead of my usual “Historical Topic for Morons, Mush-gobs, and Meat-heads” i’m gonna do something short and sweet (right). i give you:

The Whiskey Rebellion of 1794 in One Paragraph      

Several years after the American Revolution, the U.S. government found itself in a wee bit of debt (war is money) and was also in the middle of trying to move the capital city from Philly to some backwoods area ‘twixt Virginia and “Maryland” (read: more money.  also read: maryland is the new canada). So congress and Secretary of Treasury, Alexander Hamilton, passed an excise tax on all distilled spirits. This angered many farmers, especially the ones in Pennsylvania, and they refused to pay the tax.  A couple of years later George Washington and about 13,000 militia men came along and said, “You best better be payin’ that tax.” And so they did.  

see? that wasn’t so hard was it? and now i give you: Ten (9) Fun Facts About the Whiskey Rebellion of 1794  

10. The Whiskey Rebellion was the first skirmish to take place after the Revolutionary War.  i’m not sure what the hell a “skirmish” is, but i think it means it wasn’t really much of a problem.  

9. In some states there was such a public opposition to the tax that the gov’t repealed the tax. but not in all states.  and in the states where they did not repeal the tax the people “rebelled”. they refused to pay the tax. for over three years!  finally in 1794, officials starting arresting the whiskey ringleaders.  

8. the angry citizens (scary Pennsylvania farmers) would often threaten tax collectors.  they would even go so far as to “tar and feather” the poor tax shemps.  tar and feather.  how did they come up with that anyway? i mean, ok sure, the tar part is easy. there have been countless times that i’ve been in a situation with say, a customer or a dentist or a tax collector and i’ve been arguing with them and getting nowhere and of course my first thought of action always leads me to dump a pail of hot tar all over their person.  but the feathers? pure genius. i would have loved to have been at the first tar and feathering.
“William! We’ve captured the cur! what shall we do with him?”
“Well done Goodman Smythe! Tie him up and…and…uh…fetch the tarsmith!”
“aye!”
*several minutes later*
“Well, we’ve coated him with tar.”
“We sure have.”
“yep.”
“uh huh.”
“Seems kind of i dunno, anti-climactic.”
“Yeah.”
“You know…”
“Yes Oliver! You have an idea?”
“Well, i dunno. I mean, I was thinking. It’s just that well, I’ve got this chicken coop and well, nah nevermind.”
“Oh come on Ollie! Spill it!”
“Well sir, last week i had gone into my chicken coop to get some eggs for the missus and apparently i had sap on my hand. and when i drew my hand out of one of the nests…it was covered in feathers!  and well i just thought that if my hand covered in feathers was funny, i wonder how funny it would be to…”
“Brilliant!”  

yeah, i would’ve like to have been there.  

7. George Washington was president at the time but he could not call upon the U.S. army to go and force the stubborn farmers to pay the tax.  this was because the whole army (all 2,600 of ’em) was in Ohio fighting some Indians.  

6. there is no # 6.  

5. with no army, they had to create a militia. they were able to gather over 12,000 men for this militia.  

4. ok, there’s only 2,600 people in the army, who are at this point fighting dangerous, tomahawk-throwing Indians. meanwhile, they are able to get OVER 12,000 men together to basically “fight” some farmers who’s violent tendencies swing toward tar and feathering. anyone?  

3. George Washington personally led the militia in what was the largest military operation since the Revolutionary war. That was the first and only time that a sitting president commanded troops in battle.  *ahem* “in battle” (read: skirmish).  

2. the militia was a success! and only three or so people died. several were tarred and feathered.  

1. all of the whiskey ringleaders were condemned to death for treason. er, a couple of weeks later they were all pardoned.    it all just goes to show you, American history is weird.  

anyway, the whole Whiskey Rebellion got me thinking about taxes and whiskey.  and cigarettes and playing cards and well, you guessed it! sin tax!  

so one day i was talking to laura “grape ape” bentley (dude, i don’t know where the grape ape came from, but it’s been in my head all day. he had to come out. sorry.) and i was babbling on about how crazy it is to have a sin tax on playing cards and laura was all, “what are you talking about?” and so i was all, “sin tax.” and she was all, “what?” and i was all, “the tax they put on game cards?” and she was all, “whatever you freak.” or something like that.   

now i have no idea what a sin tax does, i don’t know if every state has sin taxes, i don’t know ANYTHING about any sort of tax or sin or sinful taxes. meaning i’m an expert.  and really, the only sin tax you ever read about or actually see is the cigarette tax.  i mean, we all know there’s a sin tax on beer but you never really see that.  but the tax stamps are actually on the packs of stoags. and i can’t, for the life of me,figure out what they are for.  

ok, so the state needs money for um, let’s say schools. so they tax things.  things like cigarettes because well, it’s easy.  and they (as in them. freemasons i suppose) say, “well you shouldn’t be smoking those cancer sticks anyway” and so they really tax the cigs because they can. and well, by making them more expensive they are saving the lives of people who cannot afford to buy cigarettes at those high prices (and if you really believe that you’re an idiot). so now the shemps who can still afford to buy the smokes, they uh, still buy them.  now the poor shemps, on the other hand, are forced to buy their smokes illegally, or from Indians (who are allowed to sell smokes with no taxes.) and so what’s happening? i mean, the gub’ment doesn’t really want people to stop smoking.  they need smokers. they need the whole tobacco industry.  they crave it.  ha.

so it seems to me a weird kind of relationship.  a ‘ship between not good and evil, but more like “not so bad and evil”.  and it seems harsh to call it a “sin” tax doesn’t it?  smokers are SINNERS!  TAX THE EVIL DOERS!  it’s just that i don’t remember any of the ten commandments being Thou shalt not smoke. or for that matter: Thou shalt not smoke, nor drink distilled spirits, nor play Go Fish with your kids.” sin tax.  weird.  

so i’m thinking if smoking and drinking (in moderation, mind you) and pinochle are sins i mean, what about the Seven Deadly Sins? i mean those are “actual” sins.  why not tax components of those?  

1. Pride/Vanity: tax all mirrors, make-up and Rogaine products.  and while we’re at it, all clothing that’s not black and white. colors are vain!  

2. Envy: um, i can’t think of a noun that goes with this one.  i guess maybe it would have to be like a “swear jar” where every time you had an envious thought you would have to put a nickel in a jar.  honor system.  yeah that would work.  

3. Lust: that’s easy. tax on all forms of birth control.   

4. Sports: ok so sports isn’t a sin, but i can’t think of anything for Anger, plus i was just seeing if you were paying attention.  i didn’t realize that Anger was one of the deadly sins. i guess Anger leads to Murder and murder is definitely bad.  but uh, guns don’t kill people… so we tax the hell out of bullets.  word!  

5. Greed: a tax on money!  oh wait, they do this one to us already.  

6. Sloth: so do we tax lazy people? or things like T.V. and Internet?  or maybe just silly e-mails…  

7. Gluttony: ok, so we tax all foods not a fruit, vegetable or meat.  there’s no tax on bread but there would be a tax on other grains such as granola bars and fluorescent breakfast cereals.   

yeah, so there’s the sin tax and the deadly sin tax. which brings us to the luxury tax…  
yeah right.  i gotta go play some video games. by the way, video games come under the Anger Tax. i find myself constantly swearing at the characters on the screen be they race cars, motor cycles, or people and oh yeah, it’s always the controller that isn’t working right.  it has nothing to do with the fact that i’m a girl and that girls suck at video games.  

next week’s epitomb: Practical Applications for the Seven Deadly Sins as well as the Twelve Heavenly Virtues.
added bonus: papal vices vs. cardinal virtues.  

jaimie “any question class? you will be tested on this material” pickle

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