The One About Some More Customers

Category: weekleez

The One About Some More Customers
November 20, 2001

hi kids,  

warning: the following weekly may be offensive. 
i make fun of people and use a few swear words.  if you think that this kind of “humor” might offend you i suggest not reading it.  and i promise next week’s will be more family oriented.  you know, a little something for the kids.  Harry Potter or something.  

er sorry, no Thanksgiving motif.  you were expecting The One About Pilgrims, right?  

lately i’ve had several people mention that the tone of the Weekleez has changed.  and that sometimes i’m “mean” and “unapologetic” and that i have a “bad attitude”.  well, my first response to that was, “shut up you dirty peasant!” and then i thought, “hmm, maybe they’re on to something.” and then i thought, “nah, stupid peasant.”  

so i went back and read some of the more recent Weeklies and the only really harsh thing i noticed was the ones where i make fun of customers.  and so i thought maybe i should clear the air on this whole “customer” bidness.  

first of all, about 90% of the customers i deal with are normals.  like you and me. well, like you anyway.  well, not you really, but like that guy you saw in the hall the other day. he was a normal.  ok, i love these customers.  they’re great and i love helping them.  it’s that other 10% that i write about.  you know those people. morons. and admit it, you like it when i make fun of the moron customers.  and i’m not talking about the customers who have no idea what their sign options are.  i realize that not everyone knows every aspect of what they need, but come on, at least have an idea of what you need on your sign.  otherwise i’m thinking you don’t really need a sign.  

here’s a typical call: *ring*
“kelly signs, home of the dawg gone good sign, this is jaimie can i help you?”  

er, ok. that’s not how i answer the phone.  

*ring*
“kelly signs”
“hi this is blah blah from blah blah Inc. i need some banners.”
“ok, what size do you need?”
“blah blah.”
“and what color copy?”
“blah.”
“and what do you need on the banner?”
“blah blah.”
“ok, i’ll fax you a copy of the art work and send you a quote and you can call me back to approve it.”
“thank you wise signmaker for making this so easy.”
“no, thank you, gentle customer, for knowing what you wanted thus making my job easier.”  

now see, that happens like, 10 times a day.  but i never write about that. i mean, that’s boring and certainly not funny.  no entertainment in that little bit of my day now was there?  i mean, if i wrote a Weekly about that you guys would hate it. it’s that other 10% out there that really make my day.  make it a frustrating hell-hole of stupidity.  

5% of the morons won’t even talk to me.  they want to talk to kelly, ’cause she owns the place and obviously since i’m not kelly i’m an idiot who couldn’t possibly know anything, like, say, stuff about signs or really, anything. ’cause you know, i’m not kelly.  

and hey i understand. i mean, if i had dealt with one person the last time i ordered a sign i would want to deal with that same person again, right? i mean, if you’re a repeat customer and the person knows that you’re a repeat customer you might even get a deal, right? (heck no, but you can always dream, you cheap bas-) anyway… so i understand if someone wants to deal with kelly if they’ve talked to her before.  but this is the guy i hate:
*ring*
“kelly signs”
“uh hi, is kelly there?”
“no sir, can i help you?”
“uh, well i’m not sure.  i need a sign for my business.”
“oh ok, well maybe i can help you…”
“i dunno, when will kelly be back?”
he must know kelly. “i’m not sure maybe in an hour, can i help you or take a message or get your number?”
“oh well, i don’t know. i just need him to come out and look at my business and…”
him? him?!  this dude doesn’t know kelly at all!  (kelly is a chick)
i just hate it when people who don’t even know kelly won’t talk to me ’cause i’m not kelly.  i mean, maybe i’m smart too.  maybe!  

3% of the morons out there aren’t morons at all.  they are secretaries. now wait a minute! don’t freak out just yet.  i’m certainly not calling any secretaries morons.  no way. it’s usually their boss that’s the moron.  i think what happens is the boss is talking to the secretary (or “office assistant” or whatever they prefer to be called) and says, “call a sign shop and get some prices on some signs.” and the secretary says, “ok, boss.” and then this happens:
*ring*
“kelly signs”
“yes, this is blah from blah blah and i need to get some prices on some signs.”
“ok great, what kind of sign do you need?”
“what? um, i dunno. i just need some prices for some…signs.”
“ok, but i really need to know what kind of sign you need, do you need something for outdoors or indoors?”
“um, i’m not really sure. he didn’t tell me. he just wanted some prices. i guess i need to get some more information first.  i’m sorry. i’ll call you back.”
“hey, no problem.”  

and that happens more often then you might think. it’s really not a big deal.  i mean, it’s not her fault.  but sometimes the poor shemp secretary feels really stupid about the whole thing, because you know, she doesn’t know anything (and hey, that’s ok) but she’s gotta get something for her boss and godforbid she go back to the boss and get some information.   but she’s been put in this awkward position, right? and she was put there by her ignorant boss, right? but she can’t get mad at the boss, right? because the boss is important, right? but she’s gotta vent, right? i mean, she’s on the phone and has to get prices for the boss and she can’t just not get prices for the boss because then she didn’t do that job that the boss gave her to do and by god, someone’s gotta go down!  yeah, like probably me.
*ring*
“kelly signs”
“hi this is “Mary” from blah blah and i need some prices on some signs.”
“ok, what kind of sign?” *a pause as the shemp realizes that she has no idea.*
“um, well i don’t know.  what kind of signs do you have?”
“we have aluminum signs, plastic signs, banners, lighted signs, flashing signs, pretty much any kind of sign.”
“oh, well how much are they?”
“which kind?”
“what?”
“which kind of sign do you need?”
“well I don’t know! i just need a price!” why is she so huffy?
“yes ma’am, but the different signs all have different prices.  i need to know what sort of sign you need.”
“well, how much is a small sign?”
oh yeah, that helps. “what kind?”
“what?” “what kind of sign?”
“a small one.” y’know, if she’d just go ask her boss some questions then she’d know something.
“yes ma’am but do you need a metal sign or a plastic sign?”
“i’m not sure, what’s the difference in price?”
“well, that depends on what size you need.” lead balloon.
“i don’t know what size, what sizes do you have.”
pretty much any bleeding size you want seeing as how we make custom signs.  “um well, some of the more standard sizes are…”
“is there someone else there i could talk to?”
what?! “um, no ma’am. kelly isn’t here right now.”
“well, maybe i should just call back later when i can talk to kelly.”
sweet.  i don’t have to talk to this moron anymore.  

but then this lady called this week and kind of put all those “others” into one person (with a twist):
*ring*
“kelly signs”
“hi this is “betty” from *random insurance company* and uh, i think we’ve ordered banners from you before.”
“ok sure, “wilma” orders stuff from us all the time. what can i do for you today?”
“um, well, is this kelly?”
“no, i’m sorry.  kelly isn’t in at the moment. can i help you?”
“well, i guess so.  we need a banner.  i think someone priced us one for $50.”
“ok, sure. what do you need on the banner?”
“well, i’m not really sure. my boss didn’t tell me that. when will kelly be back?”
geez, i hate it when people won’t talk to me ’cause i’m not kelly.  i mean, for crying outs, i can take a bloody banner order! “she’ll be back in about two hours, but if it’s just a banner you need, i can take that order.”
“well, i don’t know. i’m not sure what goes on the banner, but um, i have a fax here with all the information for the banner.”
and you’re not sure what goes on the banner but you’re looking at a fax with the info on it right. bloody. now? “well, ok you can fax it on over to us…”
“well, i just don’t know. i think my boss talked to kelly about it.”
yeee-ahhh. “well, ok. you can still fax the information over if you wan-“
“look, i’m not sure about all of this. my boss talked to kelly about this and i think it would be better if i could talk to kelly.”
why is she so nervous all of a sudden? who cares, get her number and she’ll go away.
“ok sure, can i get your telephone number-“
“look, it’s just that… well, i just don’t want to do this wrong.”
“um, that’s fine.  can i have your number?”
“and i think kelly will be able to understand more of what we need on the banner.”
look, i get it. i’m not kelly. i’m a moron. like you. “ok that’s-“
“because it’s a banner that’s been approved by the headquarters of all of the local insurance companies.”
go away. “uh huh, that makes perfect sense then if kelly-“
“and i wouldn’t want anything obscene on the banners.”
what? what just happened? obscene? i don’t. get.  what?!”
“er, i um, obscene? i don’t-“
“look, i’ll just call back later.” *click*  

she hung up just like that.  what a weird phone call. but who cares?  
now the only thing worse than a phone customer with no clue is a customer that walks in and has no clue. but let’s not get into those right now.  

the other 2% of the morons i deal with are the rude customers and the freaky customers.   here’s an example of a freak i had this week.  

an old dude and his old lady come in and the old dude kinda looks like he might be 1/8 indian (er, Native American). and he says, “let me see all your Native American art.” and hello to you too. “sure thing sir.”   so i show him what little artwork we have on the subject.  and i know you’re wondering “why do they have that kind of stuff at a sign shop?” well see we do vehicles too. and some of those truckers are really into that kinda thing.    
so the nice old couple pick out a design and i make it for them and i ask the guy if he has ever applied one of those stickers before (’cause it’s kinda tricky if you’ve never done it before) and the dude says that yeah he’s put some of the smaller decals on and so i tell him he should have no problem then and then he says, “i know you have to clean the surface pretty well.” and i say, “yeah.” and he points to his wife and says, “that’s what she’s for.” and i’m thinking “ass” but i just smile ’cause i haven’t gotten his money yet and it’s not a good idea to insult a moron before you get his money.  and the old lady kinda mumbles something to him because he basically just belittled her in front of a stranger right? and this guy turns to her and sternly says something in native american indian-ese. and the lady immediately went rigid and looked down and what the heck did i just witness?!    crazy!  
sheesh you talk about an uncomfortable silence.  i couldn’t wait for that guy to leave.  and they left behind like this huge spiritual heaviness.  gack, i needed some holy water and a blessing or something.  what a creep.  

and now, for the last customer-induced rant of the weekly. ok first, i’m not totally insensitive y’know? i mean, i have a heart.  and it’s on my sleeve you know?  i’m a decent kind of person.  and normally i would never talk about someone with a handicap or a speech impediment, it’s just not one of those things you do.  but this lady… was so snooty, and so demanding, and such a witch *wink wink* that i HAVE to rant about her.  

this amazon comes in and she says, “hi need schome schignsch.” and i’m thinking, “huh. speech thingy.” and then i’m all in “sales mode” and the amazon says, “do you deschign the schignsch?” and so i have to look away for a moment so’s to concentrate on me not affecting the speech thingy in my speech. because i’m kinda prone to repeating things.  like, if you watch an episode of Monty Python and you’re not british, you tend to um, you know, talk in a squeaky british accent and yeah right, like it’s just me.  so anyway i’m thinking “jaimie, DO NOT schay anything schtupid.”  

and i’m “putting the sale” on her. and she’s buying and i can’t help but notice that she’s kinda demanding. and ok, some people are like that.  but she’s wanting all her signs like, tomorrow, and well, tomorrow was a saturday and schorry schweety, we’re not open on schaturdaysch.  so she huffed away and i didn’t hear back from her.  even though i spent an hour doing artwork and quotes and trying my best to work with her.  i really did.  i came up with a price list for her and everything.  and she never called back.  witch.  

now you would think that she would realize that we can’t just pull these signs out of our arschesch right? so wouldn’t you think that maybe next time she needed a sign she would call us a couple of days before she needs the signs? well, some people are morons and some people are very self-absorbed.  it’s a wicked combination. so she calls again this week and she’s all, “i muscht have thesche signsch by tomorrow.” and my boss talked to her this time and told her there was no way we could have them by the next day and that she’d be lucky to get them before Thanksgiving. well, the ice-queen freaks out and begschs usch to have her signsch ready before Thanksgiving and so we tell her we’ll do our bescht.   

so i get the signs done a day early. early. ok? i work to get these things done early so she can get them up. now the sign shop is wide open, ok? we are so busy it’s phenomenal.  so kelly tells the heartless freak that her signs are ready and she can pick them up. so the lady comes in THE NEXT DAY to get her signs. and she’s all, “do you not deliver?” like i’ve never heard of this concept before. and yeah, we deliver. when we’re not covered up in work and when we can bring the signs at our leisure and well yeah we deliver. so i say, “well, yes ma’am, we deliver if the sign is really huge or-“
“i mean, do you make all of your cuschtomersch pick up their schtuff?”  

what a diva!  this nordic ice queen drove up in a huge full size 1980s van.  she could’ve fit several 8’x4’s!  her signs weren’t that big!   what is her problem?! i mean, if i walked into Walmart and bought a pack of gum and a flashlight and said, “do you not deliver? do ALL of your customers have to COME IN the store and MAKE THEIR OWN purchases and WALK BACK to their car?”  the cashier would probably hit me.  and i’d deserve it!   

then she accused me of changing the price!  now wait just a minute schischter! i might have a “bad attitude” and maybe i’m “mean-schpirited” but i’m NOT a liar, nor a thief. so i pointed out on her quote that the price was still the same and that it didn’t come out “even” because of this little thing called “schalesch taxch”.  and the sales tax was on her quote!  it was completely TOTALED up for her.  but then she told me how great the signs looked and that she just loved them and i thought, “well maybe she’s not so bad.”
THEN she points to wade (my co-worker/slave) and says, “have him put them in my van.”
!gasp! i know!  

like he’s some sort of lesser underling who could not possibly understand a polite question if one was asked.  i just stared at her, and she walked out to her giant sled-car.  the one that would hopefully take her back to her ice-kingdom.  
and i turned to wade and said something like, “could you please take the bitch’s signs to her car?”    

so you see, i really love the customers.  they’re great. and the morons?  well i love them too.  in fact, i’m thankful for them. (see? thanksgiving! i can be thankful!) they keep my life interesting and they give me plenty of fuel for these Weekly things.  it’s just a darn good thing that they are the exception and not the rule, or you guys would probably be getting Dailies instead of Weeklies.  and well, yikes.  

next week’s epitomb: Harry Potter, fun-loving kid’s story? or is it just the devil.  

jaimie “bad attitude?! me?! why you little-” pickle

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