The One About Origami

Category: weekleez

The One About Origami
November 13, 2001

hi kids,  

right, so first off a shout out to A “all he’s got is initials” J, he gave me some homemade beef jerky.  you gotta love that homemade flava.  and i know what you’re thinking, “jaimie, you take beef jerky from a stranger? you don’t even know his name!  have you lost your mind?”  well, he’s not that much of a stranger. i could pick him out of a line-up (although not the vice president), i just don’t know AJ’s name.  maybe it’s just A.  anyway, thanks AJ, for the jerky!
AJ’s new cool Spy Name is Admiral Catamaran.  use it well.  

blahblahblah don’t feel obligated to send me stuff blah blah. unless you blah blah nickname blah kris.  

right, on with the weekly.
ah, The One About Origami.  

Step 1. “Valley fold the top point of the triangle down to the crease mark. This should look just like the flap on the other side. Unfold. Rotate the model clockwise 90 degrees. Valley fold the bottom point up to where the crease lines meet. Valley fold the model in half. Make an outside reverse fold along the existing crease lines (see outside reverse fold, pages 8-10). Bring the left and right corners of the square together so that they meet at the bottom corner, as shown. The top corner will also come down to the bottom corner. Press flat. This is the preliminary base.”
Step 2. “Wad up folded paper violently while shouting obscenities. Toss into nearest trash can.
Step 3. “When you miss the trash can, curse loudly and kick the can.”  

i guess it didn’t help that i was liquored up when i tried my hand at the Japanese art of paper folding. ha ha! just kidding (no i’m not). see kids, getting drunk is for stupid people.  only a moron would drink a bottle of schnapps and then attempt to make pretty birds out of colored paper.  you need a sober, clear mind to make those creases just right.  otherwise, your “peace crane” looks like a “piece of crap”! ha ha!  

er, where am i going with this? the origami drinking game!  

NO! kids, seriously, drinking and origami do not mix. do NOT drink massive amounts of liquor while folding tiny pieces of paper, unless you have adult supervision.  and if mommy and daddy say it’s ok, then drink away baby, ’cause you’re gonna be a paper folding master soon!  

ok, so remember last week? daktari gave me a mini origami kit.  it’s a cute little box.  it’s no bigger than my computer mouse. the back of the box boasts, “Discover the Japanese art of paper folding! This travel-size kit includes 14 sheets of colored origami paper, plus a 48-page book with easy, step-by-step, illustrated instructions for 5 impressive models. Learn how to make a Japanese helmet, swan, penguin, sailboat, and of course, the traditional favorite, the peace crane. You’ll be folding like a master in no time.”  

Discover the Japanese art of paper folding!  

ok, so i’m kind of wondering, why a “travel-size kit”?  because i mean, “hmmm, i’m going on vacation, let’s see, i need to buy those tiny shampoos and the tiny toothpaste and oh, isn’t that tiny deodorant just darling?  *gasp* i almost forgot! the tiny origami kit!” well, the jumbo, family-size origami is just way too inconvenient, y’know?  i mean, have you ever tried to pack one in a carry-on? ghuh-derp.  

so anyways, yeah, i’ll be folding like a master in no time.  
i guess i should confess that i’m not a total rookie to the origami.  in fact many seasons ago, linda “ancient origami master” licht taught me how to make the “traditional peace crane”, and i’ve been mastering that one for a long time.  i am THE MASTER!  booyah!  

hey that reminds me of this one time in high school.  we had this art class and there was a cool closet and in the closet were all of these objects for still lifes (among other things) and one of the random pieces of junk happened to be the wooden part of a rifle.  and there was this wacko kid who would always hold the gun during class and so it was freaky, y’know? ’cause like, dude, why are you holding that broken gun all the time? so a couple of us would hide the gun but the shemp would always find it.  and then he’d try to hide it from us so that we couldn’t hide it from him anymore ’cause y’know, he was a freak.  and so one day we made a TON of the “peace cranes” and we put them where we had found the gun and there were like 50 of these birds! and so the next day he was really miffed and was all, “ok, where is it?” and so we told him the birds must’ve hidden the gun and to please go away now.  he got mad.   wow, it’s nice to see that although i was a dork in high school, things have changed so much and now i’m still a dork but not in high school.  

er, where was i? oh yeah, THE MASTER!  

so the first of the 5 impressive models was the swan. the instructions were basically “Make a paper airplane. Give it a neck and head.”
swan.
so now i have a blue swan. MASTER!  

the next one was the penguin. it was, in a word, easy, as i am THE MASTER.  i made a pink penguin but really, it looks more like a nun or monk than any sort of arctic water-fowl. the swan and the penguin were made out of the same size paper but the penguin totally towers over the swan. it’s huge.  

next was the sail boat. it was helmet (lame), like maryland. it’s the only piece of origami that i’ve ever seen that was not 3D. but now i have a yellow sail boat.  which is, of course, smaller than the penguin. heck, even the swan is bigger than the boat. what gives? and er, MASTER!  

next was the peace crane.  i believe i’ve already mentioned that i can make those.  MASTER!
i made a green one. it’s a little bit bigger than the boat.  

next was the helmet. the what? why…? helmet?  i uh, er. ok. just go with it. so the helmet, was uh…i mean, i followed the directions y’know? and when i got finished my piece looked like the picture in the book, but it um, well, the picture really wasn’t that great and heck if i know what a Japanese helmet looks like so i’ll just have to take their word for it. i think maybe it’s kinda supposed to look like a samurai’s hat, but it basically looks like a purple folded thingy.   

the funny thing is the book says to, “Open the bottom of your hat and place it on your head!” well, ok sure, but the hat is only like, 4 centimeters long. derp.  

so i put it on the penguin’s head and had a battle between my paper minions.  

the peace crane refused to fight at first.  but the penguin insulted his family and the “peace” crane began flapping it’s wings and slapping the wood pulp out of the penguin.  that’s when the pink penguin asked to borrow my purple Japanese helmet. so with it’s head protected the pink penguin became unstoppable as he was so huge he was sure to trample the rest of the paper creatures. 
but wait!  the swan had been busy forming spit balls with some of the extra colored paper!  he launched a frontal attack!   the pink penguin was doomed!  
but wait! the penguin was not one to give up so fast. he quickly scooped up the very 2D origami sailboat and used it as a shield!  that huge penguin may move slow but darn if he isn’t resourceful!  

by the end of the battle there were torn wings and bits of colored paper and ash everywhere (somehow the crane got a hold of some matches. it wasn’t pretty).
the horror…the horror.  

i think origami is japanese for “look at stupid american children fold paper while we learn math!”
no really, origami was very fun and challenging and i am totally diggin’ it.  my desk will soon be covered with swans and penguins.  

so what have we learned today kids? origami good.  booze bad. and i am THE MASTER!  

next week’s epitomb: themed chess sets.  why? why?!  

jaimie ” *you know ” pickle          

*THE MASTER  

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