The One About the Library

Category: weekleez

The One About the Library
November 6, 2001

‘allo keeds! eez time once again for zee Weekly!  

first “ORDAH!” of bidness, i have some new Spy Club names to dole out. Eddie “the murph” Muñoz, (i opened the character map just for you, Murphy) who lives in the magical state of Kansas, made me a CD of punk music to go with my pink hair. Thanks Murphy! i’d write about which songs i liked the best but i’d have to use some “strong language” so maybe i’ll write something for the site so i can “curse like a sailor”.
Murphy’s new nickname is Agent Orange. man, i wish that were my nickname.
also, Danny “math teachah” Wilborn gave me a cool mini Origami Kit. this mini kit comes complete with 14 sheets of tiny colored paper and a 48-page book with “easy step-by-step” instructions.  now, i haven’t broken into the kit yet because it looks so cute. i mean it’s barely 3″x3″ and i’m wondering how they crammed a 48-page book inside.  Weekly soon to follow. thanks danny!
Danny’s new nickname is Shimmy van Pericles you may also call him Daktari!. but you must shout Daktari! if you use that one.   

once again i would like to ask that you not feel obligated (kris) to send me cool things and pretty baubles and such. as i do not need cool things and pretty baubles.  but if you want a cool Spy Club nickname (kris) you gotta gimmie sompin’. look, if it were up to me you guys would all have cool nicknames for free. but i don’t make the rules (yes i do) i just follow them. moving on.  

true story.  

so we all know i’m a library geek, right? i mean, i think they can pay their water bill on my late fees alone (hyperbole). well, a couple of months ago (1999) ok stop. enough with the parenthesis already (sorry). a while back i went to the library and noticed that my card catalogue was missing and had been replaced by three computer terminals. terminal means lethal right?  

now i’m cool with the whole concept of the digital “card” catalogue. i mean, i went to college. the university library had one, and i used that. so how different or hard could this “local jobby” be? i can totally deal.  

so i’m hovering about ’cause there’s only three computers and all three are being used and so how inconvenient is that?  

let’s take a moment and think. let’s say a local high school’s A.P. English or history class is assigned a research paper. and let’s say that there are 35 kids in the class. and let’s say 20 of them actually know where the library is. now, out of those 20 let’s say 14 of them actually know how to “use” the library. none of this matters ’cause only three(3) people can search for something at a time!  

tangent, sorry. back to waiting for a ‘puter…  

two of the three shemps using the computers seem to be doing lot’s of researching and note taking and well, it looks like i won’t be getting a turn any time soon.  no prob, i can wait. even though i never had to wait for the “old fashioned” card catalogue. 
then the guy on the end kind of mumbles to himself, sighs dramatically, and walks off toward the fiction stacks. then his head explodes.
whoa.  

i quickly rush up to the now empty terminal and begin my search. ok, first of all, the keyboard has an inch of goo all over it (hyperbole, but yeah, it was still pretty gross). now using the system seems pretty easy, there are three types of searches: Author, Title, Subject. easy enough. i click on Title and search for Rush Limbaugh is a Big, Fat Idiot and Other Observations. ok, so i’m into political satire at the moment. i’m a dork, i think we’ve covered that before.
i click Enter and wait.
and wait.
loading. loading. load.
wait. waiting. waiting. waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaiting. wait.
wait. waiter, there’s a fly in my soup!
wait. wait. waiting.wait.
search results: sorry, no book.  

dang. i thought the library would have that book. it’s an older book. and i was kind of disappointed. but aha! let me check my spelling. oh, see? i misspelled Limbugh. so i type it again.
wait. wait. wait.
loading loadloadloadload.
wait. waaaaaaaaaaaaaait.
search results: sorry, you suck.  

well, crackers.  i really thought that…hey, waitaminute. i misspelled it again? and hey, i misspelled Ft, nd, and Observtions.  wh. where’s all my A’s?  

so i type an A.
nothing.
i hit it harder.
more nothing.
i look at the two shemps to my left and see them typing and clicking and searching.
i press the A key down really hard.
nada.
i hold that mother down like i’m holding the head of the genius who thought this digital catalogue system in a small town library was a good idea underwater until i hear the machine go, “blicka-blicka-blicka-blicka”.
no letter A.
deep cleansing breath.  

no problem. i’ll just search the Author search. Author Name: l Frnken
ok, so the author’s name has an A in it.
deeeeeeeeep breath.

i check out the other shemps, more typing, searching, writing, boy they’re finding some good stuff.  

i suppose i could look under Subject for: politicl stire.
i let loose a maniacal bark of laughter.
sssh. quiet.
i mean, why take a deep breath when i can take a bunch of small ones?  

so i can’t look up my book. at all. and really, what can i look up?
ok, the only continent i can look up is Europe, but i can’t search for any of the countries in Europe (except like, Belgium and Greece and like, who cares?). there’s only 14 of the United States that i could look up. of our 43 U.S. presidents, i could only search for 10 of them if i was using first and last names and 22 of them if i was just using last names. well, actually 21, ’cause i’d have to specify Theo or Frankie Roosevelt.
i can’t search for any wars or battles.
spnish rmd.
conquistdor.
spce ge plstic.
nothing.
deep breath?  

ah, but none of this really matters. ’cause i’m not a student having to look up something for a grade and struggling at every turn.  i’m just a shemp with a bum keyboard.   

so all of that took place months ago. i’d even forgotten about it.  

well, last week i was at the library again and was going to do some research on Mrylnd. needless to say i avoided the “card catalogue”. it wasn’t that i didn’t think that the keyboard wouldn’t have been fixed by now (yes it was) it was that i didn’t want to have to wait for the dern thing to load.  it’s sooooooooooo sllllllllllllllllllooooooooooooooooooooooooooow.  

so i thought, hey, i’m not a complete idiot. i can just peruse the United States section for a book about Maryland and sha-bang, i’ll be done. yeah, so i didn’t find anything. no one has time to write a book about that state anyway.  but i ended up in the 900s section and it’s like the nether regions of hell.  let me ‘splain.  

the 900s are the last stack in the non-fiction section.  and in this particular library (and i’ll be honest, it’s a fair library) the last shelf is only like, 2 feet (or 24 inches for all of you freaks out there) away from the wall AND because whoever designed it was a genius, there is of course, no light because the light fixtures are three feet (36 inches) away from the wall and see, the stack is, once again, 2 feet away from the wall thus blocking out it’s own light.
the 900s are a dark-claustrophobic-nightmare crevasse.  

seriously, the space is so small, you can’t bend over or squat down to look at the books on the bottom 2 shelves.  you have to do this uncomfortable side-bending thing and you still can’t see what’s on the bottom shelf.  probably books about Maryland. that’s where i’d put them.  

dark, scary stack.
and what’s crazy is, as soon as you round the corner your stomach turns because it’s so ominous and it really looks like there should be yellow tape blocking the ends.  or at least a sign that says, “Here be Dragons” or something. well, with a dangerous looking stack like that, you just gotta explore, right?  

so i put on my Nancy Drew hat and went sleuthing.  i had to shimmy my way down the stack.  the wall felt wet and slimy. i shuddered. there were probably spiders crawling along the bottom. big ones. then my foot hit something. i looked down.  

it was a dead body! i screamed!
ssh. quiet.
apparently some unlucky shemp had bent over too far and had gotten stuck in between the wall and shelf and had starved to death, slowly.  a rat crawled out of one of the eye sockets and started towards me. AHH! in a blind panic i started to back up and lost my footing.
gads! i slipped and toppled forward landing with a wet thud as i hit the bottom that had gone undisturbed for ages.  

yuck, it was covered in slime and filth and random bones. 
i scrambled away from the decomposing body and shifted to a better position so i could reach my utility belt. i unclipped my Bat-a-rang and used it as a grappling hook to help me scale the monolithic stack of doom. as i pulled myself to safety i hit my head on something hard and unforgiving.
“owweeeoww ow!”
ssh. quiet.  

i reached up to pluck the damnable object from it’s resting place in order to hurl it to the creepy depths below. i ripped it from it’s snug hold and drew it close to see what this vile, offensive thing could be.
Rush Limbaugh is a Big, Fat Idiot and Other Observations by Al Franken.  

sweet!
i went home with dirty knees and a smile that day.
man, i love the library!  

it’s all true doncha know. 
except for the part about the dead body and um, utility belt. 

wow, it got weird there at the end didn’t it? yeah, i did a lot of drugs in the ’60s (no i didn’t). yes i did.  

next week’s epitomb: Jaimie’s Origami Adventure  

jimie “Reding is Fundmentl” pickle  

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