The One About Delaware
October 30, 2001

hi kids,  

hey, didn’t Mr. Finlayson do an excellent job last week?  wouldn’t you guys like to read more of his observations and such?  i think i might have to go on vacation more often.  like, every other week or something.  “Miss Fleo” is the new “Electra”.  i loved it! you go sir.  

well, i had a lovely vacation thanks for asking.  laura “da bomb diggity dot com” bentley and i spent one day in Delaware and three days in Georgia, South Carolina, North Carolina, Virginia, Maryland, Delaware, New Jersey for ten minutes, Maryland again, West Virginia, Virginia again, Tennessee, and back home to this place.  how we skipped Kentucky, i have no idea.    that’s alotta driving, folks.  my back is still angry with me. 

Delaware is a great little state and sometime i’d like to go back. next time i think i’ll fly there so i won’t have to drive through the most miserable state in the union.  and no, i’m not talking about West-by God-Virginia. i’m talking about Maryland.

  Maryland is so helmet.  and in case you aren’t “down” with the “jive talk”, helmet is equivalent to “really bad” or “gag me with a spoon” or “i’d rather have red hot needles shoved in my eyes than…” or maybe even, “hey! you kids, get off the lawn!”

helmet is bad. and so is Maryland.  

Now there’s East Maryland which is on the Atlantic Coast and then there’s West Maryland which is right next to uh, i dunno West Virginia maybe.  it doesn’t matter. 

ok, so East Maryland is like the land that time forgot.  i was expecting it to be more industrial what with all the water and all. nay nay my friends, nay nay. no cellular service, but a rather quiant feudal system.  

the serfs that live there have in fact developed the 3 crop rotation (mostly radishes, beets and rhubarb), but that’s as far as they have advanced.  i believe they are vassals to Lord Baltimore who lives in West Maryland.  and let’s see, they had a sun god and a moon goddess and some sort of mean beastie that would kill anybody who wasn’t in the mead hall after dark.   also, i think that West Maryland uses East Maryland as a penal colony.  in a word, that place is helmet.  

West Maryland has entered into the 21 century (cellular service) but it’s still just a giant farm.  Baltimore and D.C. are just flukes.  trust me.  

oh yeah, there was a patch of woods somewhere on that farm we call Maryland. i think that’s where the Blair Witch lives.  she’s trying to relocate to Delaware, i’m sure. it’s all about the pizza.  

Virginia was dull yet wholesome.  it would best be descibed as “Ohio, with a coast.” their slogan should really be “Virginia is for lovers… and sheep” or something.  

North Carolina was gorgeous. there we met a little girl named Kaeli (look, i can’t spell, but it’s pronounced “KAY-lee”) and this little 2 year old is a genius.  this kid can converse better than i can.  and she’s much cuter than me too.  everything she said was precious. everything.  how cool is that?  
however, I-40 was under construction every 20 miles.  that was a drag, but boy, was the scenery awesome.  

South Carolina, like Georgia, is highly forgettable. 

Tennessee has the mountains. 
and passing a semi on a steep mountain grade while said semi is doing mach 2 around a curve is kinda stressful.  kinda.

ok, so we went to Delaware right? and i know you’re wondering why.  well i don’t know.  we just went.  but we know someone formally from Delaware, we will call her “Flarbie”, she now lives here but she told us about Delaware and that we had to eat a Grotto’s pizza if we went up there because it’s the best pizza ever.  so we went and the first thing we did when we got there was shake the Maryland filth from our feet, and then we scarfed a Grotto’s pizza.  and then we called Flarbie’s brother (who still lives in Delaware) and we’ll call him “Flill”.  but we didn’t really know Flill at all. never met him. but you know what? he invited us to stay at his house with his whole family and you know what else? he fed us a homemade pizza.  how nice are these people i ask you? very nice.  

i mean, Flill and his wife Flacey let two strangers into their home and treated us really great and they were the sweetest northerners i’ve ever met (my whole fam is from up north) and wow.  just wow.  Delaware is awesome.   

and yes, Delaware does have the best pizza ever, but it is not Grotto’s pizza (which was pretty good). Flill’s pizza was awesome.  and his 3.8 kids were great too.  these people were so nice.   

i really wanted to make fun of Delaware, but the only thing to make fun of it would be it’s size, and well, we all know it’s not the size that counts.  the only disappointing thing about Delaware (besides the Lewes-Cape May ferry) is there were no souvenirs.  none.   

come on Delaware!  get with the trinkets!  no shot glasses, no key chains, no moronic magnets…what’s wrong with you?  i need some kinda “proof of purchase”, ya dig?  i mean, what kind of state doesn’t have it’s shape and lame logo slapped lopped-sided on a shot glass? ghuhderp?  

and ok, that’s all i can do this week.  

but listen to this you guys.  Pastor Gary “best chocolate chip cookies ever” Faith gave me a shirt for my birthday and on the front in red, white, and blue it reads: “God Bless America” and on the back in pink and black it reads: “Pink Hair Rules”.  how cool is that? a shirt based on a weekly! look for a picture of it soon on the web site.   

and here’s a random link from Wisconsin Wendy something about Bert from Sesame Street and osamabinladen.  poor bert.   

next week’s epitomb: the customer with the stinky cigar and the customer with the speech impediment. and normally i would NEVER make fun of a speech imediment (yes i would) but in this case it was kinda funny. i was on a mind-numbing drug at the time.  everything was funny.  

jaimie “quaint feudal system” pickle

if you would like to be erased, i suggest moving to Maryland


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