The One About Eavesdropping

Category: weekleez

The One About Eavesdropping
September 18, 2001

hi kids,  

i wanted to make this one a special weekly.  one that would be super funny and highly memorable and would have people talking about it all week long and well, fat chance i’d say. instead there’s this:  

so i was at the “Big W” a couple of weeks ago and found myself in the hair aisle.  y’know, ’cause i needed shampoo.  and so i bought this giant bottle of conditioner instead because it was such a great deal.  i mean, the bottle was bigger than my head, pro’ly weighs more too.  ok, sure i don’t have that much hair to condition, but it was such the deal, right? and so i moved to the next hair aisle to pick out my color.  and the choices were endless, so i was in that aisle for quite a while.  i couldn’t decide if i wanted to be the sassy but very smart-looking, burgundy headed chick, the smirking asian chick, the no-nonsense brown headed chick (why does she always have on an argyle sweater?), or the prissy blonde guy in the turtle-neck.   
decisions, decisions, decisions…  

and whilst i was pondering which tiny head to buy there came a shriek from behind me, “stephanie! do you not understand the word budget?!”   and you know, i had to turn around. i figured it was some “rebellious” teenager type person cramming all sorts of expensive hair care products into the shopping cart or something very much like that.   

so i turn, and see a very flustered looking “mom” type person talking down to a six (6) year old who was holding some sort of barrette.  i quickly turned away to hide my smile and stifle the guffaw that wanted to bubble forth.  how crazy is that?  why should a six year old know budget?  i mean, when i was wee and wanted something we couldn’t afford, my mom would just say something like, “no” and that’d be the end of it.  there was no vocabulary lesson involved.  there didn’t need to be, mom said no.   

but not today.  nope, today there’s, “stephanie! do you not understand the word budget?!”
i mean, like, duh stephanie! sha!  

so how’s mom gonna explain budget to the “ignorant” stephanie?
“look steph, it’s like this, daddy makes 900 apples every two weeks.  the mortgage is 800 apples a month and you and your little sister, who refuses to comprehend money markets and IRAs, eat 150 apples worth of groceries every two weeks.  so you see sweetheart, there’s not enough apples left over to buy you that “silver glitter-brittany spears-oops, i think i did it again-for popular girls only-hair clasp”. stephanie, do you not understand the word budget?!”  

i figure stephanie is destined to grow up to be a financial whizkid with a tendency to let her hair hang down in her face.  or maybe i’m just picturing Cousin It with a calculator. who knows.  

ok, now i don’t make it a habit to listen in on other people’s conversations or anything, but you know how sometimes you’ll hear a phrase or two of the shemp behind you or next to you or maybe that person is really talking to you but you didn’t really notice until just now and….  

what i mean by all that is, last-last weekend i was in The Volunteer state visiting leetle brahther and we ate at a BK.  while we were waiting in line to place our order, the lady behind us says to her friend, “i haven’t eaten a hamburger in over a year!”     ok, so like, if you hadn’t eaten a burger in over a year,

#1. why start now?
#2. do you really want your first burger of the “new millenium” to be fast food? and
#3. shouldn’t you be at Subway right now?  

ok, so she hasn’t had at burger in a year, big deal. well it was. to her anyway. because the whole time we were in line that’s all she talked about.  and she was quite loud about it too.  i mean, over and over, “i haven’t had a hamburger in over a year! isn’t that odd?” “i’m so hungry! this will be my first hamburger i’ve eaten in a whole year!” and she really said this, “wow! it smells so good in here!”  

holy moly! did she just get out or something? she didn’t really look to be the “prison type” but you never know. but it didn’t matter anyway seeing as how we got our food and sat down.  

but then the lady and her friend sat down in the booth in front of us. so of course we heard more about how she hadn’t had a hamburger for over a year! and then for the kicker she said, (and i swear this is true), “yeah, he wouldn’t allow me to eat one.”  

what?!  who?!  huh? ghuuhhh?  derp?  he wouldn’t allow her??
you go girl! you eat that burger! heck, the next one’s on me sistah! you get you that double whopper with cheese, extra fries and supersize that mama jama bucket of cola. and for dessert we’ll get you an apple pie.  what’s that you say? BK doesn’t have appy pie? then we’ll drive over to Mickey D’s and get you one! and you can wash it down with a ‘biggie’ Frosty from Wendy’s! eat up lady, this is your day, this is your burger!  tatdow!  

ok, well, enough about eavesdropping on strangers.  

so anyway, i picked the one with the smart-looking, burgundy headed chick. it was buy one get one free.  tatdow!  

next week’s epitomb: oatmeal.  

jaimie “burgundy, budget burgers” pickle  

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