The One About Hurricane Hazel

Category: weekleez

The One About Hurricane Hazel
Tuesday, August 28, 2001

aw geez Margie, Tuesday again?

remember, this is all in good fun. if your name is Hortense, if you have been wronged by a hurricane, or if you are a maid, you probably shouldn’t read this.  

hi kids,  

well, it’s hurricane season once again. (or maybe it isn’t. i know nothing about hurricanes.  which is why i’m writing about them.)  

ah, hurricane season, sweet hurricanes as far as the eye can see.  soon they’ll be ripe for harvest and that’s when Farmer Meteorologist will pluck the hurricanes from the vine and give them all names. probably sissy names. and if your name just happens to be one of those hurricane names, well, of course i’m not talking about *your* name being a sissy name.  i mean, *your* name is cool and fab.  unless it’s Hortense.  i’m sorry.  that name is completely sissified.  but you already knew that didn’t you, Hortense?  

anyway, they always have really odd names for the hurricanes right? i mean, what’s up with that?  these are terrible winds of great force and destruction! should they not be named as such? Andrew?! sha!  

“Andrew dahling, you are coming to the country club aren’t you?”
“certainly, i wouldn’t miss it for the world. although i must make a quick trip up the coast.”
“oh don’t get too dirty. it would disgrace the family.”
“pish posh, i’ll be there in time for tea and scones. and do tell them to bring the apricot marmalade. i detest that jam they serve.”  

hurricane Andrew? that’s a hurricane with cuff links. they should make the name fit the ‘cane.  

i mean, Hurricane Destructo, there’s a name.
Hurricane Death Breath
H. Coast Cruncher
H. Beach Eater
H. Sand Blaster  

and ok, so maybe the World Hurricane Center would run out of dangerous, destructive sounding names (although the WWF could probably help them out).  if they’re going to use real names then maybe they could tack on a vicious nickname.  for instance, Tropical Storm Barry.  what?  is it going to destroy my house or do my hair and nails? Barry? how unintimidating. now if it was Tropical Storm Barry the Knife, well, that’s different.  

so maybe they could do themes.  *gasp* themes!  

*annoying weatherperson*
“…and it looks like Hurricane Cindy is slowly dying down.  of course, Tropical Depression Bobby is gaining force, and our Doppler weather scan vidcam 911 has just reported that Tropical Storm Marsha will be reaching hurricane force winds by noon tomorrow.”
*insert chorus of “Marsha, Marsha, Marsha!” here*

gag. i’ve reduced myself to “Brady Humor”.  i revolt myself.  

but you see what i’m getting at right?  all the hurricanes of that year would have to be named with characters from…. yeah yeah yeah… you get it.
just think, a whole collection of Disney hurricanes!  2002 could be the year of the Seven Dwarves!  

Jimmy and i discussed this at great length, about 30 seconds, which led to this being the topic this week.
so of course i asked jeeves about it.  i must confess however, that weather bores me to tears.  and since weather is such a dull topic i found it hard to concentrate on all the serious hurricane web pages.  luckily, i stumbled across (i kid you not) FEMA FOR KIDS. 
and after laughing for 20 minutes i completely understood everything about hurricanes.  no i didn’t.  but it did tell me how hurricanes are named. the World Meteorological Organization (freemasons) uses six (6) lists of names in rotation.  so the same names are reused every seventh year.  do you understand what this means!?! this means that there will never be a Hurricane Jaimie.  *that’s* what it means.   

the only way they add a new name to a list is when they have to “retire” the name of a really destructive hurricane.  so even though Andrew never had a “real” job, he’s now retired.  go figure.  

so i have the list of all the hurricane names that they can use, and um, these names are only good for the Atlantic region.  so if you live in another region chances are your hurricane names are much more interesting.  go here for the list of names: www.fema.gov/kids/hunames2.htm  
i can’t help but notice that the “H” names are the least cool. we’ve got Hortense, Henri, Hermine, Harvey, Helene, and Humberto. what? no Hazel? come on!  

and the only reason i mention this is to segue into the next part of the weekly. and i do hate to write such a choppy weekly, but it cannot be avoided because i simply won’t remember any of this next week.   

my parents are getting a maid.
i’ll say that again. only this time with incredulity.  

my parents are getting a MAID?! wha?  

my mom conquistadored two kids, three if you count my father, and never needed a maid.  this kills me.  i mean, it’s just them. both of their lazy-slob children (hi justin!) have moved out of the house.  what do they need a maid for?  i don’t get it.  the only thing that’s ever messed up is the kitchen table, of course, if you pick up the newspaper and mail it’s spotless. derp!  

all’s i know is, the maid better look like Shirley Booth, complete with starched hat and uniform.
wow! the Pickle House is gonna be wacky and full of fun now!  

i can picture my father coming home from work and being greeted with a “hi mista P!” and then the wackiness ensues.  the maid starts trying to get all the single people romantically involved, with hilarious results! she catches the neighbors doing something odd, and feels that she must “spy” on them to “find out” what’s “really” going on, only to find out that they were all planning a surprise party for *her*!  ha! then she accidentally sells the dog! derp! and when her last minute vacation plans get cancelled, she goes on vacation with the Pickles!  of course!  and while staying at the hotel she gets into an argument with the cleaning staff! she sure did teach those “big city maids” a thing or two! ha ha!  and Thanksgiving and Christmas would be lost if not for her! she somehow manages to save the day after finding the new dog with it’s head in the bowl of cranberry relish!  lucky for us Pickles, the maid knows an even *better* recipe for cranrelish! yay!   

love that maid.  

it’s a whirligig of fun! kinda like that time that Hazel tried to fix up her nephew with Mr. Baxter’s niece and….  

next week’s episode: jaimie digs her own grave by insulting nature and the cleaning profession, only to have her readers say, “deja vu?”    

jaimie “here comes the story of the hurricane…” pickle

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