The One About How i Write the Weekly
Tuesday, August 14, 2001

hi kids,  

unfortunately i do not have a “theme” this week.  and that of course means that i have to pull something out of my… hat.  and we all know how horrible that can be so what am i going to do?   

well, once or twice a week i get asked, “How do you come up with all that stuff in the Weekly?” or quite often they say, “You know, i wonder how that mind of yours works sometimes.”  and of course there’s always the, “Get off the lawn you crazy kids!”  

so i thought this week i’d show you what it’s like (not really) to spend a week with the Weekly.  granted, it’s a struggle and not for the faint of heart, so i’ve edited as many swear words as i possibly could, and trust me, there were many.  mostly the same one over and over.  wait, what was i talking about? oh yeah! the Weekly!  

oh yeah.  the weekly.  

ok, this has so much potential to be really confusing seeing as how half of it is more stream of consciousness than probably anyone would care to read so i’ve put all my thoughts in italics and all my actions will be in regular type.  got it?  yeah, i thought so.   

ok, first of all my week, well, the Weekly week starts with Wednesday. We ready?  

Wednesday
Brain storming.  Thinking up topics.  i bought a notebook that i carry around with me and that’s where i write down my ideas and rough drafts of all future Weekleez.  Yup. You gotta be organized with this sorta thing or bad things can happen.
did anything funny happen this week that i can make fun of? customers? did i read an interesting article that bears mentioning and then made fun of? should i pick a random noun and make fun of it?  hmmmm, small, war-torn countries… are they still funny?  did anything embarrassing happen to me this week? no… i made fun of myself two weeks ago.  rats.  or maybe i should make fun of something historical….shroud of Turin maybe?   

Thursday
Thursday i choose a topic and narrow it down.  Then try to figure out how much research i need to do.
let’s see, if i choose something i know about then i have less research to do.  got to think…  something interesting and funny.  was that h.p. lovecraft story funny?  ummmm… NO!  no that wasn’t funny at all. darn.  ok ok ok, i got it!  wait, what’s funnier, Jersey Devil or Magna Carta?  i’ll think on that.  

Friday
Sometimes i’ll use my lunch hour to go to the library and do some research. However, if the topic is something personal that doesn’t need a lot of research, for example, the Jersey Devil, then i just goof off for an hour.  

Saturday
The first thing i do is laundry.  Then, because my life is now revolving around this silly email, i try to decide what kind of weekly i’m writing.  Should i just make fun of the Jersey Devil?  ok wait, i’ll provide some background info, then i’ll make fun of it!  how?  hmmm.  maybe i could make a list….er, no.  perhaps i’ll just rant about it!  nah, who cares about getting all worked up over a legend?  ooh!  parafable! booyah! pickle inda hay-ouse!  

Sunday
Church, Mi Casita, Wal-Mart, Food World (in that order).
 

Monday
ohmigosh did i pick a topic?! oh right, Jersey Devil. sweet. Now i get online and do some “last minute” research. i use askjeeves.  i like it ’cause you can ask it questions and well yeah i’ll Boolean search any day but really, how may other search engines can you type, “what the hell is a jersey devil anyway?” and get hits? Plus, it’s like this butler.  And that’s funny ’cause like, how come that butler is so smart? and if he’s so smart why is he still a butler? build on this idea later for future weekly. Then i get the results and start to read through them but then it’s 8pm and time to watch The Weakest Link.  goobye.  

Tuesday
Morning: Wake up screaming, “Oh no! it’s Tuesday!” and “How can it already be Tuesday!?” and “My head’s been sewn to the carpet!” and of course, “what’s the topic?! ack! what was it i thought about it all week long how could i forget it just how stupid am i anyway?” “DERP!”

At work: Stew about the Weekly for an hour and then call Laura.  Ask Laura if it’s really Tuesday or if someone’s playing a trick on me.  Then pester her for an idea for the Weekly. Because maybe her idea is better than mine.  if only i knew what mine was. Promptly forget her idea.  It was too complicated and smartlike.  Also, get a dictionary.  
When no one is looking i sneak on the boss’s computer to get online and do some “last last minute” research. on what i have no idea.  surely, something will jump out at me on the Internet.  some sort of great and cool idea that will just knock the socks off of everyone…. aw crap.
ok QUICK! new topic! something fast and easy…something i know something about. but what?  man, it would be cool if i knew something about Ramen noodles or the Jersey Devil or SOMETHING! rats.
Rats! no wait…did one on rats…
think jaimie, think!  

On the way home from work: man, jimmy and laura are the best.  they cook dinner for me on Tuesday’s ’cause they know i’d never remember to eat and gee wally, how cool is that? maybe i should write a weekly about them? nah, that’s lame. topic topic topic.  

Evening: ok, i’ll check my email and maybe someone has sent me something cool.  That Nathan dude usually sends funny stuff, and Wisconsin Wendy  sends some really interesting things….let’s see…porn. porn. lotto. porn. amazon.com. porn. sheesh no email.  oh well, dinner time.  

Dinner:  Ask Jimmy and Laura what the Weekly should be about.  Make fun of their ideas.  Continue to eat dinner in a now hostile silence.  

Later that evening while sitting at the computer: waitaminute! i bought a notebook for the sole purpose of writing down all my ideas for Weekleez! if i can find that notebook i’ve found my Weekly!  jaimie you little idiot! you’re a genius!  

Again with the “later that evening”: woohoo! i found it! Flip through the notebook. Golly, i have really bad handwriting.  i can’t even read this, did i write this? cool, check out that doodle in the margin. that’s neat. i gotta paint that sometime. 
i can’t read any of this drivel.  it must’ve really sucked if i scratched out all these paragraphs about… about… what the hell did i write about? Hey wait!  i circled this part!  it must be important… it says…. Magna Carta?
 

i’m screwed.  

Four hours of “last last last minute” research later and you’ve all received The One About the Magna Carta in your inbox.   it’s just that easy.

*****

ok, so maybe that’s how it all happens and maybe it isn’t. 
one thing’s for sure though, i’d never make fun of any ideas that jimmy or laura or anyone ever suggested.  never.  well, i don’t think i have.  have i?  who cares.  the point is, from now on, i’d never make fun of anyone with a suggestion for a weekly.  i mean, i may not use your idea but i’d not laugh in your face, or in secret about your idea. no matter how lame it is. 
*sigh* that last part was a joke. you kids need to relax. and send me a suggestion for the weekly. or anything.   
 

hopefully next week i’ll have um, you know, something to work with. hint. hint hint hint.
hint.

next week’s epitomb: England’s King John dukes it out with the barons.  get it? dukes? 
well, gosh i thought it was hilarious.
 

jaimie “i take my coffee with one cream, one sugar, and two rolaids” pickle

hey, my leetle brahther is out of the hospital and is doing much better thanks for any prayers and all.
patsy, you are, as the kids say, “da bomb”. thank you so much for running sound.  it was great!

crazy uncle dan, i thought it was rather cool that you and your fam hung out with us at the Huddle House.  you guys rule.

and to everyone who has been so nice to point out that i need to update the web site.  well, ok. i’m gonna.  just gimmie a couple more days. 
  and if anyone wants off this list, just ask.    

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