The One About Paranoia
Tuesday, July 31, 2001

ok, it all started with a book i was trying to read.  

no wait, first of all i’m not paranoid.  okay? and even if i was paranoid i certainly wouldn’t tell any of you about my paranoia because, well, sha. i’m glad that’s out then.  now where was i?  

right, the book.  the book i was trying to read was titled Conspiranoia! The Mother of all Conspiracy Theories and it was about all of these conspiracy theories and how one could combine them all to make this huge outlandish conspiracy.  i thought it would be entertaining. i mean, i have no idea why that book was even in the nonfiction section and normally i wouldn’t read anything so silly but the library didn’t have any books on Spain so what’s a girl to do?  

so i try to read this book but it’s mainly just a dictionary.  all it has in it are short descriptions of secret societies, government agencies, religious groups etc.  there weren’t any stories or anything, just opinionated definitions and well, after 100 pages of that i had to stop reading because it was becoming redundant and slightly annoying.   

now, i got to thinking about those really paranoid conspiracist people, you know the ones.  they think that the government is out to kill us, test us, or kill us by testing us.  and the way they see it, it’s Us vs. Them.  and well, okay that’s fine, but really isn’t it You vs. Them?  because quite frankly, i wouldn’t trust the “Us” team any farther than i could throw the “Them” team. i’m not on either side and if that makes me paranoid then so be it.  

one thing i did “learn” from that book is that the conspiracists give a lot of credit to the freemasons.  apparently the freemasons have their hands in everything.  they even claimed that the freemasons were involved in all the revolutions of the 18th century.  well, that’s worth a laugh isn’t it?  i’m picturing fez-wearing shriners riding around in tiny cars and dressed like native americans scattering tea and shouting, “vive la france!” while tugging the end of a rope on a guillotine.  dirty trouble makers.  

so yeah, of course the freemasons are out to get you. 
’cause you’re so important.

these paranoid people really need to get out from under themselves.  who do they think they are anyway? ok sure, i won’t shop at radio shack because they ask personal questions like, “what’s your zip code, phone number, and blood type?” and if that makes me paranoid then so be it.   

but some of these people spend most of their day avoiding public places and reading Popular Science, they actually believe in black military helicopters, Area 51 is their Graceland, and AND the FBI, CIA, and NSA are trying to “cover up” stuff.  stuff that, if it were to “get out” would jeopardize the lives of… of…. people.  secret people.  freemasons.
and i may hide out in a lead room with 6 months worth of techno mags, but please, UFOs? i mean, maybe i’m paranoid, but i’m not crazy!  

so really, this whole paranoid thing is about ego, right?  well let me help you.  

look, the government isn’t after you.  all you have to do is pay your taxes and they pretty much leave you alone, okay? barring of course, that they are tracing your every move via the implant they gave you at birth.  and we all have those so it’s not like you’re special or anything.  and don’t worry, they’re not going to clone you.  you’re a pasty, bleary-eyed geek who knows too much.  they want humanoid drones, not people like you and me.  we know things.  freemason things.  

so here’s the deal.

your phone isn’t tapped. because you don’t have any friends, Mafia bosses, or informants who want to talk to you.
the USDA is not poisoning your meat. they’re poisoning everyone’s meat.
and you think proctor and gamble’s logo is a symbol of satan? that’s so 1980s.
there’s no sense in worrying about the “impending” new world order or any other “big brother” (pronounced beeg brahther) conspiracy, because there’s no way that ANY government, society, or religious group can be that organized.  oh, um. except for that one religion…Microsoft. 

sorry kids, it’s a digital world now and unfortunately your worst orwellian nightmare has come true, and you let it happen with a mere “click” on that “start button” in the corner of your screen. and what your now laughing, Macintosh using counterparts fail to realize is that while you’ve been sucked into a web of personal, private information and deceit, they’ve had their souls swallowed by that evil bite taken out of that “cute” little apple they’ve stared at every day since they’ve sat at that machine.   
(wow laura, you’re like, totally screwed. bummer.)  

and ok, so sure this weekly was more convoluted than LBJ’s Dictaphone tapes and J. Edgar Hoover’s laundry put together, but really, who cares?  

anyway, next week’s weekly should have something to do with spain although i’m thinking of just throwing that one out and doing one on wales.  because like, llywlwlwwwyylllnnym.  ha ha!  if you were welsh you’d be laughing.  
no you wouldn’t.  gwdwynbrym!  feh!  

next week’s episode: A battle royale between the 10 most popular conquistadors!  of course, there’ll not be a number six so…  

jaimie “i’m not really paranoid you know. no really, i don’t believe any of that crap.  it was just supposed to be funny y’know? you do believe me right? liz, you believe me don’t you? jimmy? mommy?! derp?” pickle

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