The One About Intolerence
Tuesday, July 24, 2001

hi kids… or should i say, potential victims?  

ok, so you guys know me.  i’m not a mover or a shaker. i don’t rock the boat.  i don’t even get on the boat if i can help it. i just kinda stay on the middle half of the road. but every once and a while life throws you a wicket and you have to deal. that means boat rocking.  

now for the most part i live in a bubble world where the air is sweet, people are cool and happy and live together in harmony, and the only malevolent thoughts are of the moron we call Mr. President… wait that’s another weekly. entirely.  

ok, my bubble world. now i’m not so naive to think that people always get along and never disagree and make love and not war and peace, love, and locomotives bladdy bladdy bladdy. i do read the news paper.  gosh that Dagwood Bumstead is quite a character isn’t he?!  

so anyway. i walk the middle of the road with the word “post-modern” stamped on my forehead and i look down as i walk so as not to trip on any wickets or anything.  and this usually works for me.  

but sometimes i look up and over to the far right and geez, look at those freaks over there! so i quickly avert my eyes. and if i’m feeling adventurous i’ll look over to the far left… *scream* scary!  

ok, where’s my soapbox?  there it is!  

but you know, as long as no one is getting hurt i guess everything’s cool, no matter how scary that militia might seem. but there’s always one jerk.  one narrow minded jerk that manages to push a button and piss everyone off and well, i hate that guy.
so basically what i’m saying here is i abhor intolerance. 

i mean, who do you think you are you close-minded, freaky, political windbag, superficial, animal testing, gun carrying, jerk activist, piece of sawed off religious zealot, ultra feminist, male chauvinist, member of the olympic committee, monopoly owning, lobbying son of a liberal jerk moron conservadork?! yeah!  

to me, intolerance is more counter-productive than EuroDisney and Crystal Pepsi put together. that’s a whole lot of suckage, you guys.  

i mean, if life is so precious to you, why are you bombing a women’s clinic… with people inside?!  what kind of freak are you?  

if i’m gonna hate a person it’s not going to be because of race, creed, sexual preference, etc. nope.  i hate you ’cause you’re a moron.  very simple. very easy.  i don’t hate “your people” i just hate you.  so shut up and take your judgmental, hurtful gob to the end of the line.  

and i know what you’re thinking, “but jaimie, doesn’t that sort of make you intolerant?”  

well, as a matter of fact, i am intolerant.
i’ve been on an anti-lactose campaign for a while now.  i can’t digest it, i can’t stand it and i simply will not tolerate the stuff.
Dairy products be damned!  

heck, i can’t digest anything.  i’m lactose intolerant, breakfast intolerant, lunch and dinner intolerant.  i won’t even attempt a midnight snack. so i’m tired of food. it doesn’t matter what i eat, 15 minutes later i’m camping on the pot for an hour.  hey, i’m not ashamed.  in fact, this “little” diarrhea “problem” has humbled me quite a bit this last year. 
to tell you the truth, i can’t figure out how i’m still alive.  i’ve been to a doctor and a specialist and still, after i eat i’ve gotta make a mad dash to the little girl’s room before something “really bad” happens.

Montezuma’s revenge?
what did i do to montezuma?  

so as far as i’m concerned all of you out there who can enjoy a meal or a snack or a feast the likes of Henry VIII could only dream of… well, you can have the food.  

i don’t want it anymore.  

unfortunately, i need food. so i’ve decided to let the food work for me. because nothing stays in my system long enough to do any good i figure it doesn’t matter what i eat. so i’ve decided to only eat foods that offer me something other than “nutrition”.  basically i’ll only eat foods that offer me a free toy or a chance to win something like money, a toy, or a bionic stomach.  so unless the package has a really big “FREE” or “WIN” on it, well, i don’t want any part of it.   

i know what you’re thinking, “meat products don’t have contests! will jaimie become a vegetarian?”
well, first off, of course not!  i’ll continue to eat beef jerky (for scientific purposes) so i’ll be getting a random amount of protein and nitrates in my system. no worries!
and secondly, why would you care if i became a meat eating vegan anyway?  

so it looks as though i’ll be eating a lot of chocolate bars, breakfast cereals, and potato chips. Aw, crap.  

the only thing that really concerns me is that the macaroni and cheese food group rarely has toys and contests, likewise with produce.  

and speaking of the produce department, i saw the biggest, thickest ‘fro i’ve ever seen stacking fruit in the produce section of the supermarket the other day. i kid you not. i mean, this is the most impressive shock of thick black ‘fro-ness that i’ve ever seen on a Caucasian. i wanted to shake the kid’s hand, and then ask if he’d run down the aisle.  ’cause, you guys, i really want to see that ‘fro run. i’ll bet it’s glorious.  

so anyway yeah, food is killing me.  and i spend more time in the bathroom than i care to mention here in this email. but lucky for you i’ve started a new section on the webpage called “Aw, Crap!” and it’s all about… you know.  

so what have we learned today kids?
intolerance is the devil’s playground. so all you hateful meanies are nothing more than dirty birds!  feh! nyaa nyaa!
also, food.
food hurts.  food can hurt just as much as something a hateful close-minded, freaky, political windbag, superficial, animal testing, gun carrying, jerk activist, piece of sawed off religious zealot, ultra feminist, male chauvinist, member of the olympic committee, monopoly owning, lobbying son of a liberal jerk moron conservadork would say to someone who wasn’t “like” him. 

and maybe next week i’ll get to write one about spain.  

jaimie “why is moses packin’ heat?” pickle


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