The One About Jesus Christ, Where’s my Car?
Tuesday, July 10, 2001

tuesday sweeties, tuesday.

Ok you guys.  This is by far the most controversial Weekly ever.  i mention sex, drugs, rocknroll, racial issues, and i even use the word “gay”. if you think this might put you off, then i suggest not reading it. big baby.
i’m serious.
 
REALLY.
i warned ya.  

By some strange twist of fate i was able to watch two (2) movies last week AND enjoy them. And although the movies were made decades apart they were so similar it was really scary. The first movie was Jesus Christ Superstar. The second movie was (blatantly a remake of JCS) Dude, Where’s My Car?  

i thought about just doing a movie review for each show but really, there are a ton of websites out there dedicated to reviewing movies and they do a better job then i ever could. We don’t need another cynical movie review anyway. www.mrcranky.com is good enough for me.   So instead i’ve decided to compare and contrast the two movies.  

The only main difference in the two flicks is one is a musical and the other is not. Other than that they are the same movie.   i know what you’re thinking, “Jaimie, there’s no way they are that similar. One of those movies is about the events that took place during Holy Week, and the other movie is about 2 slackers that have lost their vehicle and can’t remember anything they did the night before and also includes a subplot involving aliens and trans-gendered strippers.”  

um, like yeah.  

“But Jaimie! For the sake of Pete! JCS is based on the Bible! Surely you would not stoop so low as to compare..”
stow it, vera.
 

Ok, let’s clear the air.  

i think when they say “based” on the Bible what they mean is that the screenwriters had a Bible in the room and would use it for things like, chronology, a few bits of dialogue, and for an occassional doorstop. Here’s a possible conversation among the two writers:  
“Hey, was Jesus crucified before or after he killed the rooster that Peter betrayed?”
“Dude, they crucified him? I gotta call Bob in the prop department…”
“Um, how many songs did Mary Magdalene sing to J.C.?”

“You mean before he died?”
“Yeah.”

“I dunno. Maybe it’s in Genesis… somewhere before that flood thing?’
“Dude! The flood was in that other Bible movie. Our show is from the New Testament…I think.”
“Man, don’t bore me with details! I need a word that rhymes with Hosanna…”
“Hey, remember that part in the Bible where Jesus goes to the temple and freaks out on the moneychangers and overturns their tables?”
“Yeah dude, why?”

“Did it say anything about him overturning a table full of machine guns?”
“Um, no. But it doesn’t say that he didn’t overturn a table full of machine guns!”
“Far out, man!” *high fives*  

yeah so i’m throwing the Bible thing right out. trust me, it’s easier.   so how are these movies so similar?  

JCS starts out with a busload of hippies.  The movie is basically these hippies acting out the parts where J.C. (that’s what the hippies in the movie call him) leads the people, last supper, Judas’s betrayal, his arrest, and crucifixion, and then the hippies get on the bus and thankfully go home. D,WMC? starts out with two stoners who need to find their car.   

see folks, these movies are about hippies and transportation.  

JCS is basically a dated movie.  The clothes, the hippies, and the jargon are quite “mod”. Por exemple, Judas wears the most “disco super-fly” leisure suit i’ve eva seen.  wakkachika wakkachika wakkachicka. And there’s a song where the disciples keep repeating “what’s the buzz? what’s happening?”  what’s the buzz?  feh? 
D,WMC? will most definetly be dated soon.  The clothes are random and the jargon is already pleasantly confusing.  “Shibby” i can only assume means, “cool” or “bad” or “what’s the buzz”.  i just don’t know. 
 

see folks, these movies are about dated hippie transportation and confusing random jargon.  

i know, i know.
“But Jaimie, really.  How can you compare a classic to a teen-movie that’s probably just about drugs and sex?”
  true, D,WMC? does hint at sex and drugs.  Well, maybe it very blatantly approaches the subject of sex and drugs, however, there is in fact, no sex in this movie.  Just as there is no sex in JCS. Yet in JCS we see Mary M. constantly fondling and singing to J.C. and it really made me uncomfortable.  (i mean, really. hey lady! some breathing room for the Messiah?! feh.) As for the drugs, D,WMC? may have had drugs in it, i can’t remember.  And true there’s no mention of drugs in JCS, it’s obvious that drugs were part of the preproduction.   

see folks, these movies are about hippie jargon cars with dated sex, drugs, and rock’n’roll!  

yep. rock’n’roll.  JCS was a rockopera for cryingoutloud! and D,WMC? has an equally cheesy soundtrack.  

And where D,WMC? had a trans-gendered stripper, JCS had an orgy and Herod was quite a sissy. Also, JCS made the Roman Army (why did i capitalize army?) out to be quite prissy, what in their pink tanktops and chome helmets.  C’mon! the Village People weren’t even that gay! (look, you were warned.  not my fault you didn’t believe me.)  

see folks, these movies are about stoned-out happy people in cars singing about dated jargon and sex.  

Ok, one major difference in the two flicks is that JCS has machine guns and airplanes and D,WMC? has some aliens. (and for those of you whom have never seen JCS, yes, it really does have machine guns and air planes.)  

Another difference is that there is no cultural diversity in the cast of D,WMC? And what i mean by that is “only white people in this flick”. Whereas JCS has a very diverse cast.  Mary M. was a Native American. Simon was a…a… stoned hippie guy.  Judas was a Black man. and Christ was…a White dude.  hmmm.  Maybe not so diverse. Oh sure!  Make the black guy the betrayer!  

see folks, these movies are about stoned-out, jargon-spewing racists that depend on transportation to take them to their sex, drugs, and rock’n’roll.  

Hollywood makes me sick.  

Actually, i liked both of these movies, which kinda surprised me.  
They were comedies right?
DERP!
   

next week’s epitomb: a 1963 Julia Child vs. a 1994 Martha Stewart in a steel death cage match!
GRUDGE MATCH!
 

jaimie “nothing like a little Andrew Lloyd Webber bashing to do the soul some good” pickle

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