The One About the American Revolution But Not Really
Thursday, July 5, 2001

hi kids,  

sorry this is late.  wait a minute.  no i’m not.  it’s late because my modem was struck by lightening, caught on fire, drawn and quartered, and then stopped working.  so i’m not sorry at all.  i’m only sorry that i had to shell out more money on this “computer thing”.  feh.  

so i was going to make fun of the American Revolution this week but then as i was researching the topic i learned that this moment in history is both dull and boring and also it’s not very interesting.  no joke.  i was going to make a list of all the Intolerable Acts and the Townshend Acts and sorta make fun of ’em, but they weren’t very funny.  and it’s not like the colonists even paid any attention to them anyway.  so i mean, how intolerable is something that you don’t even obey?  feh?  

ok, and so the Boston Tea Party, right?  well, uhhhhhhhhhhhhh.  so there’s these guys, right?  and they dress up as native americans, right?  and they sneak into Boston Harbor and dump all the tea off of a British ship, right?  boy are they in trouble now!   

let’s see it from Britain’s side for a moment.  

Lord Grenville: “The bloody American colonists have got it bloody well made over there!  We saved their asses from the French and the Indians and they’ve YET to repay us!  Have they forgotten who their mother country is?”  

any MP at the time: “Hear! Hear!  The right honorable Lord Grenville is right!  They OWE us money!   Lord Grenville: “Let’s tax them to make up the difference!”  

Parliament: “harrumph harrumph harrumph QUITE RIGHT!”  

Charles Townshend: “Right, we’ll tax them AND make them house British soldiers.  They shouldn’t have a problem with that seeing as how we saved their asses so many time from the French and the Indians.  I’ll bet they’ll be ever so pleased to repay us for our kindness and the kindness of our soldiers.  After all, we supply them with many goods as well as peace of mind.”  

Back to the colonies.  

“da hell you say!”
“No taxation without representation, and all that jazz!”
“let’s have a tea party!”

“take THAT, tea!”  

back to Britain.  

Lord Grenville: *yawn* “They won’t pay taxes, they won’t house our soldiers, and the dumped all the tea into the harbor.” *sigh* “What do you guys wanna do?”  

Townshend: “eh, i don’t care, the king REALLY doesn’t care.”  *yawn*  “Say, where IS the king anyway?”  

Lord Grenville: “oh who cares?”  *yawn* “Let’s take away their charter or something.”  

Parliament: “Sounds about right.”  


so the British EMPIRE loses 13 colonies along the new england coast and at the time nobody cared because hey, they own India and all the cool stuff there, they owned the good parts of Africa and ALL the diamonds there, they owned Canada which had all the same crap the 13 colonies had at the time (except tobacco) and they owned tons of islands in the carribbean and all the sugar there, which they used to make rum.   

so let’s get this straight.  They own ALL the TEA and SPICES, MOST of the WORLD’S diamonds, as much FISH and FUR as the  American colonists, ALL the RUM, and they continue to build the BIGGEST, HUGEST navy.  and you think “losing” 13 pain in the ass colonies is going to upset these guys?   

it certainly was an “american” revolution wasn’t it?
1.  we whined ’til we got our way.

2. we vandalized some stuff and tried to blame it on some Indians.
3. we polluted a harbor.

4. and we managed to work ourselves up over a catchy slogan.  

all in all a pretty good fight, eh?  not really but who cares.    

sorry to be so short this week.  and too bad i don’t know enough about american history to write something about it.  i never liked american history.  heck, i’m not that into american “present”.  i don’t even know what our vice president looks like. how sad is that?  i couldn’t pick him out of a line-up if it was just him and one other guy.  “yeah, it’s the old, white man!  he’s the vice president!  no wait!  it’s the old, pasty, bald, white man! no… it’s the old, white guy with the suit and tie!… it’s ….” 

oh who cares.    

i hope you had a happy forth of the july  

next week’s epitomb: JESUSchristSUPERstar!  

jaimie “they taxed lead?  what kind of people are these!?!” pickle


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