The One About Dangerous Places

Category: weekleez

The One About Dangerous Places
Tuesday, June 26, 2001

‘allo keeds.  heeeer eez da veekly. enyoy.  

it’s summertime now, and with summer comes vacation.  vacation = travel.  travel is good.  travel is fun. it’s good and fun when it’s safe, right? well, thank god that the the state department has issued some travel warnings urging americans to avoid certain areas.  apparently there are some really dangerous places out there.  

and we can thank god again that the associated press has published an article about these warnings including a list of the countries and areas to avoid. here’s the list,
Afghanistan, Albania, Algeria, Angola, Bosnia-Herzegovina, Burundi, Central African republic, Colombia, Congo, Guinea-Bissau, Indonesia, Iran, Iraq, Israel – the West Bank and Lebanon, Gaza, Liberia, Libya, Macedonia, Nigeria, Pakistan, Republic of Congo, Sierra Leone, Solomon Islands, Somalia, Sudan, Tajikistan, Yemen, and finally, Federal Republic of Yugoslavia.  

thanks for the warning you guys! perhaps the state dept. and AP could combine their efforts and do something really helpful like wipe the drool from our chins before tucking us in at night.
really, every country on that list has either been at war with it’s violent, border country (under pretext of a religious war or “just because”) or has been enduring it’s own civil war complete with tyrannical, oppressive government, bloodthirsty rebels, and zero economy since BEFORE the united states became a country.  

so here, for your reading pleasure, are descriptions of ten (10) countries from the list.  i’ve done just enough research on these countries to know that i know NOTHING about these countries thus making me an expert. and i’m not here to paint a bleak picture of these countries (ha), you can decide for yourself if these places sound dangerous, adventurous, romantic, or even quaint!  at the end of each description you’ll find a quote from a travel poster of that country.   

in no particular order, except that i did save afghanistan for last:  

10. Pakistan. If you like to hike, this is the place for you!  The Islamic Republic of Pakistan has some of Asia’s most beautiful landscapes.  Or perhaps you’d like to sample some of the culture and history? I hope you’re into martial law and Islam! But if not, I won’t tell if you won’t tell!  Some of Pakistan’s biggest industries include robbery and gun-running, both of which you, being an American, will get to experience first hand!
“Come experience the awsome landscapes, cultural diversity, incredible history, and communal violence that is simply Pakistan!”  

9. Albania.  Lush mountain forests, incredible blue Adriatic waters, and the warm Mediterranean sun more than make up for it’s rampant crime, assassinations, and “Soviet-style inefficiency”.  In fact, you’ll never run out of things to do in Albania.  Romantic walks along the sandy Adriatic coast are a must.  Or take a tour of one of the many vineyards, mosques, or Chinese sweatshops!
“Albania. So much to do, so little time.”  

8. Colombia. From Caribbean beaches to Andean valleys, this is the place for a true traveler. Beautiful scenery, relaxing coastline, and cocaine cartels are all part of the charm that Colombia has to offer.  And boy, does Colombia ever like American tourists! Why, in 1998 alone, at least 2000 people were kidnapped while on holiday in Colombia! Take that Argentina!
“Steeped in myth, mysticism, and guerrilla insurgency….ah! Livin’ la vida Locombia!”  

7. Sierra Leone. Nothing says, “maybe this wasn’t such a good idea” like the costal belt of mangrove swamps, oppressive heat, and sandstorms of Sierra Leone. And if the environment doesn’t kill you the bloody civil war will!  And while child prostitution is rampant, be sure to bring the kids, if you find yourself in a bind, you’ll have something to barter with until you can reach the Liberian border!
“Follow your heart and the Guinean refugees to Sierra Leone, you won’t live to regret it!”  

6. number 6 was going to be Macedonia, but seeing as how there’s never a number 6, well. Macedonia gets the shaft. again. “400,000 Albanian refugees agree, The Former Yugoslav Republic of Macedonia is the place to be!”  

5. Congo. Once again Africa proves that “Hey, we aren’t embarrassed of our widespread slaughter of civilians!” Various militias, government troops, and Belgian civil law, what do these all have in common? The Ivory Coast baby! A relaxing adventure of sun, sea, and gunfire. 
“Ethnic strife? Civil war? We have a cease-fire now! Welcome to the Democratic Republic of the Congo. Now stop calling us Zaire, dammit!”  

4. Burundi. This small central African nation has much to boast about.  If you enjoy tribal warfare, ethnic violence, and political assassinations then this is the place for you. But be careful! If you are injured during one of the political election celebrations/protests/assassinations chances are you won’t make it to the hospital, and even if you did there wouldn’t be any room for you as the hospitals are all filled with AIDS patients while the goverment denies there’s an AIDS problem at all!
“Burundi. If you can’t take the heat, flee to Rwanda.”  

3. Guinea-Bissau. This western African nation is now enjoying a surprising outbreak of…peace? You can fully enjoy the North Atlantic coastline in relative peace and quiet.  You can bask in the warmth of it’s tropical charm.  And remember to experience the now impoverished country to it’s fullest extent, you can even share a bowl of rice or a disease with a native!
“Give us a couple of years, we’ve got democracy and unexploited deposits of petroleum!”  

2. Tajikistan. This newly formed central Asian republic has a lot going for it these days.  The Pamirs provide many chilling and thrilling high-altitude activities all year ’round. Unfortunately the Pamirs is all Tajikistan has to offer.  It’s landlocked so there’s no sandy beaches to enjoy.  There’s no romantic coastline.  And considering that it’s surrounding countries are China, Uzbekistan, Kyrgyzstan, and Afghanistan, well, i’d stay away from the borders if i were you.  Since the economy is shot to hell you might want to bring lots of things to trade as cash is pretty much worthless here! Poverty and desperation are just some of the charms you’ll experience. The kidnappings and random shootings are bonus!
“Come enjoy the incredible sights and heights of the Pamirs. And then go home.”  

1. Afghanistan. A must see for the die-hard traveller. And believe me, you will die! Not only will you get to see Islamic fundamentalists at their worst, but you’ll see (first hand) the Taliban at it’s best! What’s the difference you ask? i can’t tell! You’ll witness extreme spectacles of their “new” medieval judicial system at work! But be careful! Don’t steal so much as an apple from a cart or they’ll chop your hand off! And by no means look at a man’s wife. They’ll kill you AND the wife as well because they HATE you AND women!  And don’t forget to catch a show while you’re there! There’s the mass hangings, which always draw a crowd, or you can hear Tomkabul Jonesov sing one of his popular songs such as, “She’s a lady…whoa, whoa, whoa, she’s a lady…kill her kill her DIE! DIE! DIE!” Remember, the Taliban wants to sell you drugs to support its wars, so be sure to contribute to the flailing economy. And be sure not to mention that the Islamic leadership is merely a front to to win over Pakistani interests.  Just be glad that Pakistan doesn’t want any friends!  But really, there’s nothing to stop you from having a good time in Afghanistan, except for the vicious war, earthquakes, public stonings, and, if you’re a woman, the Taliban.
Think about it guys, if there’s a possibility that at any point during your vacation you might utter the words, “Once we make it to the Iranian border we’ll be ok.” just DON’T go there.
“Afghanistan, loving but firm. Mostly firm.” or  “Embassy? What embassy?! BAHhahahahahahahahaha!” or “HEY! I saw her ankle! kill her kill her DIE! DIE DIE!”  

what have we learned today kids? stay away from africa and asia and any country that starts with the letter A or ends with -stan. but mostly the africa thing.
also stay away from countries with really long official titles like, The New Former Republic of the Democratic Republic of the People’s Well Thought Out Republic of the Warring Countries of the Almost Free Land of Albanafghanangolastan.  

just a thought.  

next week’s rant: maybe i’ll make fun of the U.S. seeing as how it’ll be the week of the 4th of the July.   

jaimie “i went to tajikistan and all i got was this lousy t-shirt, thank god.” pickle    

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