The One About the Eye Doctor

Category: weekleez

The One About the Eye Doctor
Tuesday, June 19, 2001

Greetings you silly nillies,  

I went to the eye doctor this week. So apparently this is The One About the Eye Doctor.    

Man, what an expensive venture. The cost of frames is insane. What kills me is that i’m not trying to be fashionable, oh heavens no. i mean, you guys know me, i’m a moron when it comes to style, right?  But geez, they make you shell out at least $200 just to keep you from looking like a complete dork.  But the part about the frames comes later. i gotta rant about the exam first.  

Part of the exam involves eye drops.  These evil droplets make your pupils very large so that the doctor can see inside your eye.  And so maybe i’m not crazy about people putting things in my eyes. So this lady is comin’ at me with these eye drops and i ask, “Whoa, what’s going on?”
She says,”I’m gonna put these drops in your eyes.”
And so i say, “You and what army?”
She just stares at me.  
So i ask, “Will the drops sting?”
And she says,”No. But they might burn a little.”
So i immediately make a break for the door. But this lady, she’s fast and she holds me down and manages to put a drop of acid in my left eye. i, of course, scream. “Might burn?! This is awful!”
“Hold still, I gotta do the other eye.”
“No way! That stuff hurts!”
“It’s not that bad, you big baby.”
Harrumph.  

So the drops kick in and my pupils are the size of quarters and all i want to do is sit in a dark cave and the lady says, “While we wait for the drops to start working let’s go pick out your frames.”
“Uhhhhhhh, how am i supposed to pick out frames when i’m blind?”
Again she stares.  

Now we’re looking at frames and she’s throwing all these options at me, and i can’t see anything, and it’s really bright, and can i please go back into the dark room now? Unfortunately, none of the frames are fitting right.  So she leads me to a different corner of the room with these other frames. And i’m struggling really hard to focus and keep my eyes opened but it’s rather difficult. Then i notice 3 circular blobs that look kinda like a blurry Mickey Mouse head.
Oh my God. i’m in the children’s section, aren’t i?

“Oh my God. i’m in the children’s section, aren’t i?”
“Um, yes. These will fit better on your head.”
Ok it’s true, i have a pin head.  But damn if it doesn’t irk me when a stranger points it out. feh.  

So she finally picks out some frames for me then leads me back to the dark room. ah sweet relief.

Then she comes at me with more drops! These drops were not painful, but they were thick.  i think she put honey in my eyes. And she hands me a Kleenex so i immediately wipe my eyes and she says, “No! Don’t wipe your eyes!” Now my eyes and my lusciously long eyelashes are covered in some kind of sticky mystery goop and i think part of the Kleenex is stuck to my eye as well.  And every time i blink my lashes stick together, and how gross is that? feh.  

i fail my eye exam and my eyes are screwed for the rest of the day.  But the doctor assures me that when i get my glasses i’ll be able to see and everything is gonna be so great.  i can’t wait!  

A couple of days later i go to pick up my glasses.  I’m kinda scared because i really have no idea what they’re gonna look like, and i swear if i look like Harry Potter someone’s going down.  
So the lady whips out these glasses and before i can even see them she slaps ’em on my face and makes a quick assessment of, “The right side needs adjusting.” That’s funny ’cause for the .3 seconds i’ve had them on they feel fine.  But before i can say anything she snatches the glasses from my face and grabs this obnoxious pair of pliers and takes to bending and twisting the LEFT side of my glasses.  

i open my mouth and point and, “Hey, wait. That’s the left….”
Then she smashes the glasses back on my face completely stunning me and derailing my train of thought. Now the glasses are TOTALLY ASKEW in that the LEFT side is now 3/4 of an inch HIGHER than the right side and they HAVE GOT to look completely ridiculous, and in a too cheerful voice she asks, “How’s that?”  

So i do the right thing.  

With my glasses at a 45 degree angle to my face i look her dead in the eye, smile, and say in my most perky voice, “It’s perfect!”

And i turn to leave before she can make another grab for my glasses because i don’t think the poor things could take another round with her meaty hands of destruction.  

“Oh wait!” she calls back, “I forgot to give you a case for your glasses.”
“oh. ok”
“Hmmmmmm, oh! You got the Joboxers!”
“i beg your pardon?”
“So you get the Joboxer case!”
“i do?”
“Aaaaaaaannnd a Joboxer pencil!”
“A pencil? For my glass…”
“Aaaaaaaannnd a Joboxer notepad!”
So i says, “Wow! Do the gifts ever stop?!” And i somehow manage to get outta that place and into my car while juggling a Joboxer glasses case, a Joboxer pencil, and a Joboxer notepad along with my checkbook and car keys all the while i can’t see ’cause my glasses are on inside out and upside down and a little to the right and back and to the left. i finally peel out of the parking lot thinking, “What the hell’s a joboxer?”

Yeah, so as i’m trying to un-balloon-animal my glasses nack to normal so they’ll fit on my wee noggin i notice that “Joe Boxer” has been engraved over every “square inch” of the frames and so now i see why she kept saying “Joboxer!” silly ain’t it?  

So my new glasses, while not being cool at all, do prevent me from looking like Buddy Holly or God forbid, Harry Potter.  Unfortunately they might be a bit “Weakest Link-ish”, it’s a close call. (dig how i made a game show into an adjective? i own this language.)  

Now i’m staring at the tiny writing on my new spectacles, and i can’t think of any reason that they should engrave the brand name on these frames at all ’cause really, no one will ever see it.   

Does advertising ever stop?    

Man, i hope not! i’d be out of a job!  

And if i didn’t have a job i couldn’t afford these smashing, slightly bent, nearly fashionable glasses.
feh and double feh!  

next week’s episode: i make fun of an article that i saw in the newspaper…. and several countries as well!  

Here’s a bit of homework for all of you. i want to do a Weekly on prefixes, but i can’t think of that many prefixes so if you guys can think of some and E-mail them to me that would be fabulous and you’d be a complete star for helping me out.
And by ‘prefix’ i’m talking about the word part, not the numbers that are involved in locations or ham radio or whatever.  

jaimie “meaty hands of destruction” pickle

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