The One About the Weakest Link

Category: weekleez

The One About the Weakest Link
Tuesday, June 12, 2001

hi kids,    

so i’m gonna take a stab at pop culture this week.  let me preface by saying that i really hate TV, and i barely watch it.  honestly.  and when i do watch the tube it’s generally cartoons or Martha Stewart or In Search of… The Shroud of Turin.  so it was by complete accident that i saw part of an episode of The Weakest Link last Monday.  

i was appalled.   

it’s a fast-paced gameshow with a rather stern host.  and by ‘stern’ i mean ‘tyrannical’.  i’m sure you’ve seen or at least heard of this show and it’s oppressive hostess.  the hostess is a tiny British woman (i assume, uh oh, she’s tiny. she doesn’t look very tall).  she wears this long, black, scary outfit.  it’s long and black.  i really can’t describe it better than that. sorry.  the really scary part is that she looks like she could be anyone’s mother or aunt or librarian, but they dress her like a nazi scientist from the ’30s.
quite disturbing.

it was really hard to watch the show as she kept insulting all the contestants.  she smirked a lot, as if she enjoyed insulting the pathetic losers….er…contestants.   if she had been wearing leather gloves and had a German accent i don’t think i could have stand to watch it at all.

luckily she doesn’t wear gloves and double luck, she’s British, so everything that came out of her mouth seemed clever as well as cutting.    so i thought, “well, i really gotta write a Weekly about this.”  i would be a fool not to.  

but i had only seen half of one show which makes me a *sigh* newbie. ( i hate that word so much. “Newbie” feh. “hi! i’m a newbie so be nice!” oh shut it.) so for research purposes i watched it again last night.  whaaaat? it was research.  

ok so the host, Anne “fireball” Robinson, that’s Mistress Robinson to you and me, plays her role as evil hostess and she’s all in black and she’s got on those tiny little glasses and she’s spewing caustic (wink) remarks, from her tiny drawn up mouth, at the morons…uh… contestants, and by golly i just want to hate her so much!  
i mean, REALLY!  

who does this cynical, petty, vile, currish, degrading shemp think she is anyway?   i’ll tell you who this mean, evil, wicked, nasty is.  i’ll give you ten.  

10. she’s anyone who has ever watched Millionaire and has shouted at the TV, “I can’t BELIEVE you missed THAT! And you’re a TEACHER??”  or “You had to use a bloody lifeline for THAT?!”   

9. she’s anyone who’s watched Wheel of Fortune and said, “The answer is SO OBVIOUS!  Are you BLIND or just STUPID!?”   

8. she’s anyone who’s watched The Price is Right and said, “$6.99 for a box of macaroni? Who prices this crap?!”  

7. The $25,000 Pyramid, “It’s ‘things you find in a *fill in blank*’ ! How hard can that be?!”  

6. not tonight, not ever.  

5. Name That Tune, “Four notes? I could name that tune in one note you pathetic git!”  

4. Jeopardy, “You NEVER make it a “true” Daily Double when the category is Ballet!  Are you INSANE?!”  

3. Win Ben Stein’s Money, “Any goober could answer these questions correctly! Where’s the challenge?!”  

2. Supermarket Sweep, “Who watches this filth, let alone participates?”   

1. Hollywood Squares, “Hollywood Squares? Isn’t there ANYTHING else on? The Love Boat? The Weakest Link? ANYTHING?!”    

that’s right. how can we be shocked and horrified at this minute, insult-hurtling shrew when in fact, you and i are that wee meanie! we’re just jealous that WE don’t get paid to yell at the wretched, screwball contestants, and SHE does.  

and maybe we can justify ourselves by saying that we would NEVER insult the greedy moron contestants OUT LOUD or on NATIONAL TELEVISION for crying out loud!  but really, doesn’t that make us cowardly meanies? somehow, being a brave meanie is more intriguing and dare i say, admirable? hmmm?  

well, if anything, it’s marketable.  

they should take it one step further and have her carry a whip.  she should go totally dominatrix on them.
“Nathan!  You’ve been voted the Weakest Link.  Lick my boots, pigdog!  goodbye.”  

oh, who cares?  

next week’s epitomb: jaimie owes the library 20 cents  

jaimie “thuhhhhhhhh weakestlink!” pickle    

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