The one about the MacVac

Category: weekleez

The one about the MacVac
Tuesday, June 5, 2001

 

‘allo keeds,  

Let me tell you about the sweeper that Laura “That’s not an elf! It’s a gnome!” Bentley bought.  It’s kinda…. cute?  

But first let me tell you this way cool thing. It was way cool to me anyway and i simply MUST share.  

i was at a friend’s house last week and i got the most awesome complement of all time.  We had just eaten a quick, nasty, horrible supper (Flaco Flell) and i had a large 144 oz (or so) pepsi to drink and well needless to say i had to use the bathroom.  i excused myself and walked into the bathroom and immediately burst into laughter.  For on the top of the toilet laid a Weekly and all the Nancy Drew stuff. 
How cool is that?!  i love it!
hey, if it’s in the loo, it must be entertaining.  

Right, back to Laura’s sweeper.  

Laura wanted a vacuum cleaner.  So a group of us piled into a car and trekked to the “Flofter Flide” of Flears.  While we were there we pointed and laughed at all the silly sweepers and Laura proceeded to buy the cutest, silliest sweeper they had. 

Today’s vac’s seem to be more aerodynamic and suped up.  i was looking for one made by Briggs and Stratton but apparently they haven’t branched out into home appliances.  “Honey, can you pick up some motor oil while your out? I need to vacuum today.”  

Anyway, this whole “vacuum cleaner” thing is a new concept for me as we didn’t have one of those heavy, bulky contraptions when i was growing up.  In fact, mom and dad just bought an actual sweeper this year.  That’s not to say we didn’t sweep the house. We had (and the ‘rents still have) Central Vacuuming.  Maybe you’ve heard of this? It’s almost a good idea.  

There’s a machine hidden somewhere in the house and it’s connected to most of the rooms in the house by way of a really big secret.  i dunno how that machine works.  All’s i know is, you plug the hose into these “secret holes” in the house and all of a sudden the hidden machine turns on and the open end of the hose starts sucking air.  It’s mostly magic, i think.   

The only time i ever saw “real” vacuum cleaners was on TV.  The ladies (never men) in the commercials would always have such an easy time of sweeping their houses. Meanwhile i would see mom struggling to reach the far corners of each shag-carpeted room while trying not to trip over 12 feet of hose. Like i said, almost a good idea.   

So my roommate buys a sweeper.  And it looks like an iMac with plastic wheels and a blue hose.  We call it the MacVac. i took pictures. 

i’m not sure why they designed it to look like a technological machine/appliance when it most certainly is “just a sweeper”.  i suppose they’re just marketing it for the post-modern consumer, the buyer of the digital age. And i know you’re thinking, “But Jaimie, it’s just a vacuum cleaner. Relax.”
Bu- bu – but it DOES look like an iMac!  That’s very silly!   

It has a random cord sticking out of it that looks like a phone cord!   It’s as if we could plug it up and dial in to the dirt and dust. 
As if it would download the microscopic dust heathens via Internet.   

i mean, do we set it to vacuum at 72 dpi or do we go “whole hog” and try for 600 dpi knowing it’ll be cleaner but will take longer?  And when saving the downloaded dust and filth do we use Mac or IBM formatted disks? Will the cord to the USB port be long enough to reach the farthest corner of the room?  Will the MacVac need it’s own hub to run each of it’s attachments? And why is it when you install software that comes with a peripheral it always pops up a message asking you if you want to download the upgrade? “Would you like to download the newest version of Adobe PhotoVac 2.01?” i don’t know! i don’t know!  

All i know is, if we get one more ERROR 404 FILTH NOT FOUND messages, there will be hell to pay.  

Oy, and the darn thing didn’t come with a driver either!  i called the 800 number and was on hold for 15 minutes.  Of course it didn’t matter, Product Support was of no help.  They kept asking stupid questions like, “Is your computer turned on?” “Has it detected new hardware?” “Did you leave a disk in the A drive?” “Why did you connect the vacumm cleaner to the computer?”
*sigh* morons.  

Ok, so maybe i embellished a bit.  But the vac really does look all computery.  

i’m thinking of inventing a sweeper for the next generation.  The machine part will fit on your back and look like a cool jet pack.  Meanwhile the hose and attachment will fit on your arm and extend about 2 ft so it will look like a giant arm cannon.  So while you sweep the house you look like a videogame or comic book hero battling the war against filth!  neat-o huh?    

And now for something completely interesting.  

i received an interesting email this week and i knew i would have to share it with everybody as it is by far the strangest thing i’ve read/heard of/seen in a while.  The email came from Wendy “she works hard for the money” Mukluk, an artist who lives in Wisconsin. (Hi Wendy!)   Apparently the college where Wendy works has a botany department that has a titan arum, which is a “rare giant flower” or more accurately a “rare, scary, stinky, my-god-they-call-it-a-corpse-flower? flower”.  And well, it’s the coolest thing i’ve seen all week.   

Wendy sent a whole article (written by Terry Devitt) about it.  Here are a few excerpts:  

“The titan arum or “corpse flower”, noted for a malodorous stench given off by blooms that can have a diameter of as much as four feet, is exceedingly rare among cultivated plants.”  

“The plant grows from a tuber that can weigh as much as 170 pounds.”  

“The plant, whose scientific name is Amorphophallus titanum, is a member of the same family that includes calla lilies and philodendrons. It may bloom only two or three times during a 40-year life span.”  

“But one of the plant’s most unusual features, in addition to its size, is the extraordinary smell: At the moment when the titan arum’s pollen is receptive, the spadix actually heats up from within and gives off a powerfully malodorous stench of rotting fish — perfect for attracting the carrion beetles and sweat bees that pollinate it.”  

But the coolest thing of all is that she sent a link to the botany dept.’s live webcam of the stinky flower beast! http://arum.doit.wisc.edu/
so now you too can see this awful, wonderful nature thing!  And learn more about it too.
And as it is a live webcam you might want to check it out during the day because you won’t get to see much at night.  

The only thing that would be cooler than that flower is if i could somehow get Wendy to go back and check out the flower (at a set time) and wave at the webcam so i could save the picture and well, i dunno what i’d do with it but i dare say that would be even cooler than finding a Weekly in a complete stranger’s bathroom!  

Thanks be to Wendy, for the cool article.   

next week’s episode: i sold my soul to the radio station. why did i do that?  

FYI: i used the word, or a modified form of the word, COOL 10 times in this email, counting this one.    

jaimie “almost a good idea” pickle      

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