The one About Nancy Drew

Category: weekleez

The one About Nancy Drew
Tuesday, May 22, 2001

hi kids,  

So last week’s email wasn’t really funny or anything however, i did get a ton of responses. Mostly the emails were shaming me for making fun of Nancy Drew. Jennifer “green thumb” Finlayson gave me the evil eye. THE EVIL EYE!!  (Which of course scared me into using proper capitalization this week.) What? It was spooky.  

i fully intended on writing an email this week about how cool and great the Hardy Boys are compared to the perfect, little, blonde haired, blue-eyed, WASPy Nancy bloody Drew.  
Shocking isn’t it?
i mean, people think that because i’m a girl i’m supposed to be on Nancy’s side? No way. Nancy’s weak. Isn’t she?  

Let’s compare these teen super-sleuths.  

The Hardy Boys have over 375 titles in several different series. They’ve inspired 4 TV shows (one was a cartoon). There has even been stage plays written (too far). And i won’t even go into coloring books and games. They’ve also been published in many different languages.
There’s even Norwegian Hardy Boys.  (i’m dying to know if they changed their names from Frank and Joe to Frankel and Johan or something like that.)  

But you know what? Nancy’s got all that stuff too. In fact, Nancy’s got her own webpage. You can even play a video game. You have to get Nance through a “tough” maze by collecting magnifying glasses. www.nancydrew.com  
So i’ll try it from a different angle.  

Frank and Joe Hardy live in Bayport, a fictional town in some state that they never name.
Nancy lives in River Heights, also no state is given.   Frank has dark hair and Joe has blonde hair. Nancy has blonde hair and blue eyes.   Frank and Joe live with their mom and dad.  Their dad is a secret agent and he’s usually never at home although they always seem to run into him when their solving a mystery. Their mom is usually at home and she never has anything to do with the plot other than to make the boys some sandwiches.  Also their Aunt Gertrude (father’s sister) lives with them.  She is in the series more than the mother is.   

Nancy’s mom is dead. Her father is a lawyer and he’s usually out of town on business. There is a housekeeper, Hannah Gruen. But for the most part Nancy runs around unsupervised living as a rich kid. She drives a blue roadster.
What’s a roadster?  

Frank and Joe do not have a car so they have to bum rides from their friend Chet. Chet is the good natured “fat kid” stereotype and their other friend, Biff, is the athletic friend stereotype. The Hardy’s didn’t have a car but they DID have their own power boat.  I never understood that.

Nancy also had stereotype friends. George and Bess.  They are cousins. George is the athletic girl (butch?) and Bess is the sweet, fat girl. Nancy, is of course, the perfect medium.  And that’s why we hate Nancy.  

Frank and Joe both have girl friends that they barely date and who are barely in the series.  Remember, this is the ’50s. Girls are icky. And besides, there’s a mystery to be solved!  

Nancy has a boy friend, Ned Nickerson. What a horrible name! He sounds like a goofus.  And in the series, Ned was indeed a goofus. He was never as clever as Nancy and he only served to take her out to dances when the occasion arose. Ned Nickerson was weak. I hate when they make characters purposely weak.  

Frank and Joe built their own crime lab.  

Nancy could solve mysteries, sew, dance, she was athletic, knew things about mechanics, horseback riding AND she could cook.

She’s not human. She’s like an Emily Post/MacGuyver/Xena/Martha Stewart femme-bot.  

And it turns out, i’m insanely jealous.  Not jealous of the whole Em/Mac/Xena/Martha Stewart thing, i got all those down pat, i’m just jealous that she’s out there getting to solve super mysteries while i’m stuck making signs all day. 
Nancy doesn’t go to school or have a job, ever, and frankly, i’m just itchin’ to solve a mystery!  

But really who cares?

Because you see, i did some super sleuthing of my own.  And no matter how great i think the Hardy Boys were or how great Nancy Drew might be it really doesn’t matter at all because they were all concieved by the same man, Edward Stratemeyer.  That’s right.  They’re all the same.  Stratemeyer also “invented” the Dana Girls, Tom Swift, the Rover Boys and the Bobbsey Twins (just to name a few).  

Ok.  So Stratemeyer invented the characters but he didn’t write the books.  The Hardy’s were written by Franklin W. Dixon and Nance was written by Carolyn Keene, right?  right?!  
Nay, nay my friend, nay, nay.  

Dixon and Keene aren’t even psyeudonyms. Those people don’t even exist at all.  The Hardy Boys and Nancy Drew were written by a multitude of writers (male AND female) and some of the ghost writers even wrote for both series.  Will the madness ever end?  

What have we learned from super sleuthing?
That we can shatter our ideals by digging up needless information.  

Both of the series were first written in the 1930s and when they revised the books in the 1950s they had to change some of the jargon and omit racial stereotypes.  That’s right, the Hardy’s and Nancy Drew were a tad on the antisemetical side.  SHOCKING.  

But i am willing to admit defeat.  Nancy Drew is cool as all get out.  In fact, i’m reading one of her adventures this week.  And you know what? Nancy Drew IS a Jew hater!  So far i’ve read and summarized 5 chapters for you guys. And i’m sure you’ll enjoy reading it as much as i’ve enjoyed tearing Aryan Nancy to shreds.  mwahahahahahahaha!

i’ll try to add 5 more chapters by tomorrow night.  

Next week’s episode: Jaimie takes something wholesome and fun and tears it down to its most base parts thus exposing the weak underbelly for all to see. Purely on accident of course.  

Have a good week, sweeties.  
jaimie “trixie…trixie…why does that name sound so familiar?” pickle

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