the other one about beef jerky
tuesday, april 17, 2001

hi sweetie darlings, this is a continuation of the last weekly. if you need to read that one again to refresh your memory, well, get to it.

okay. so the beef jerky thing has become far more complicated than i had anticipated. not only are there many brands and flavors to choose from, but that stuff is expensive! I’ve spent $12.00 so far and i haven’t completed my research yet. another thing i forgot to factor in this meat snack equation was my poor tummy. (note to self: 2 oz of kippered beefsteak consumed in a one hour time period is equal to three (3) hours of acidic heartburn torture. TORTURE!)

but not to worry!
i will continue my research this week and i’ll have a smashing report complete with bar graphs, pie charts, flavor ratings, nutritional information, etc. and all of this information will be free and available to you at the website which has been provided by the lovely group at kNETics. (plug plug plug).

i plan on ending my research (and my life) by consuming one of those horrible looking 8ft beef stick ropes that they sell at the big W. and i know what you’re thinking, “jaimie, why would you DO that?!” well i can’t very well eat up all the beefy meat snacks in this town and NOT eat an 8ft beef stick now can i?

and just to let you know, i’m only eating the dehydrated beef products. no turkey jerky or pork jerky or soy jerky for me thanks.

i have also contemplated a jerky diet. i figure i can try it for three (3) weeks and tell you guys how it goes. and of course charts, graphs, and a quick trig lesson will be provided. it would go something like this:
a delicious peppered beefsteak in the morning. (kill me)
a scrumptious bag of artificially flavored hickory smoked jerky for lunch. with pepto chaser of course. (please kill me)
and a sensible dinner. and by sensible i mean, any thing but a dehydrated piece of seasoned meat.

i’m no nutritionist or anything, but how bad could this high protien diet be? ha.ha.ha.

and hey, believe it or not, two of the weekly readers have admitted to being jerky connoisseurs: lori “snap into it!” todd and chris “of all trades” wood. chris and lori both agree that homemade jerky is the best. however they did disagree on one thing, lori wrote, “of all the store bought jerkys out there, the best tastin’ is the highly advertised by wrestling, SLIM JIM!!” while chris said that slimjims are the ‘spam’ of the beef snack world. i’m sure there will be a chart involved.

so far i have learned a ton about the spiced meat snack world. how much have i learned you ask? would you believe i have learned ten (10) things so far?

10. dehydrated beef is really tough to chew. any brand, any flavor. in fact, that might even be the whole “point” to beef jerky.

9. i can give myself a headache by chewing.

8. $6 is a standard price for a bag of beef jerky regardless of brand or flavor.

7. hyperextension of the jaw muscles is normal when eating a dehydrated meat snack.

6. there is no #6, but if there was it would probably involve chewing, pain, and beef jerky.

5. the “original” flavored beef snacks are not as flavorful as one might imagine.

4.for more “flavor” one might think it a good idea to try the “hot and spicy” flavored meat snack, when in fact that would not be a good idea at all.

3.surprisingly, the best meat snacks (that i’ve had so far) have a professional wrestler on the package (and yet it was not a slim jim) smell what the ROCK is cooking!

2. Heartburn and retching are symptoms of a serious digestive problem. They may also be reactions to eating spicy, dehydrated beef products.

1. the most important lesson learned, oddly enough, is that teriyaki flavored beef jerky is the most horrible snacking sensation i’ve ever had the misfortune of eating.

please keep in mind that i’ve not yet eaten the 8ft beef stick and that it DOES have the potential to be in the #1 slot. you’ll just have to “stay tuned”.

on a non-related meat note, i often have 6 or 7 things that happen to me during the week and i’ll say, “that’s going in the weekly for sure!” and when it comes time to write this thing i have forgotten every cool, funny, odd thing that happened. everyone tells me i should start writing things down and well, ok sure, i COULD write them down but then i’d have to keep up with several slips of paper and trust me it would never work. however, since this funny thing happened yesterday, i remembered.

liz “just liz”, jimmy “fleegan”jones, and i were watching the learning channel last night because junkyard wars was SUPPOSED to be on only instead they were showing a program about stuntmen and daredevils. boring.
i really can’t stand that kind of program. these people catch themsleves on fire, ramp some cars, transfer trucks, and spinning helicopter blades all while riding the world’s heaviest motor bike and i’m supposed to dig this? what a bunch of jerks. throw in an 8ft beef stick, a 40 hour a week job, one trip to the grocery store, a church easter egg hunt, and dinner for 5 and then maybe i’ll be impressed.

anyway, we’re watching (heckling) the program and liz says in a serious voice, “this has got to be the only sport where transfer trucks are a unit of measurement.”
my reply? “that’s so going in the weekly.” ha.ha.ha.
next week: i dunno, maybe something cool will happen.

jaimie “hahaha” pickle

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