the one about beef jerky

Category: weekleez

the one about beef jerky
tuesday, april 10, 2001

hi you guys,

so this email was going to start out with beef jerky and then end with me semi-bashing the USDA. however, i didn’t get to do as much research as i wanted to and so i’ll leave the USDA alone (for now).

besides i don’t want you guys to think i’m some sort of freaky meat-eating vegan/anarchist*. i’m all for the USDA, mostly. i’m just a little concerned about the lack of checks and balances. (more on that later).

about twice a week i stop at a gas station. it’s usually the same one, as i am a creature of habit and it’s almost always in the morning on my way to work. i either get a coffee or a big gut buster of soda. there’s just something so satisfying about drinking out of a cup two (2) times the size of my head. although i think i can hear my kidneys whine everytime i get one of those (they are big babies).

anyway, next to the coffee machine is where they keep the reject snacks. i have no idea why.
by reject snacks i mean:
1.pickled eggs
2.stale donuts (probably goes good with the burned coffee)
3.individually wrapped pickles w/ juice. (what the hell is THAT all about anyway? have you ever been driving and thought, “hot damn if i couldn’t just go for a big, juicy pickle right about now.” no of course you haven’t. (this doesn’t count if you’re pregnant).
4.beef jerky

these are all fine foods. i just don’t know why they are next to the coffee. i don’t know about you, but in the morning my stomach is quite queasy and it takes all i have just to choke down a pop-tart. so while i’m pouring my delicious cup of gas station coffee and i see a HUGE jar of spicy hard-boiled eggs, well, it’s a problem. i actually gag. it’s a heaving motion and it’s quite embarrassing. what can i say? my stomach is a big baby.

after months of cursing that massive jar of embryo (i’ll have you gagging yet) i’ve gotten a bit used to the whole “reject snack” section. and now i find myself excited at NEW reject snacks. the beef jerky is relatively new. of course, there is beef jerky throughout the gas station, many brands and types to choose from. but for some reason they stick this brand with the reject snacks. (i think that next week i’ll buy some of the different types of dehydrated meat products and tell you all about it. i can’t remember if i’ve even HAD beef jerky. it doesn’t look good but hey, shrimp are bottom-feeding waterbugs and people think that they’re the best things ever so maybe jerky is just misunderstood.)

so this particular brand is in the reject section and the logo for the stuff is a lumberjack (of course) with an axe slung over his shoulder. (laura has already made a smashing graphic for it on the webpage so go there to see just what this lumberjack looks like. or if you want to laugh your tukus off you can go directly to the beef jerky website and see the logo yourself http://www.huiskenmeats.com (i read their site and cracked up. they are so proud of their meat snacks.)

back to the gas station:
the jerky is in a box that’s shaped like a car. (what?) the box is like a display case for the beefy meat snack. this car/display box has also been printed to make it look even more car-like (as if). the hood of the car has a huge picture of the logo (lumberjack w/ axe) printed on it. much like a racecar would have a sponsor’s name. but what totally kills me is that the “car” has a driver. and the driver is (you guessed it) the lumberjack. but the “artist” didn’t change the lumberjack or anything. they just cut and pasted the logo lumberjack to the driver’s seat.
what i’m getting at is:
THE LUMBERJACK STILL HAS AN AXE SLUNG OVER HIS SHOULDER AND HE’S DRIVING A CAR.

well, there’s that and the back seat is full of his individually wrapped spicy meat stick chums.

so now i envision the snacks all coming to life when the store closes and the lumberjack and beef sticks racing around the store offending the not yet rejected snacks. they zoom past the delectable and often bought candy bars! they speed around the frequently purchased beer and soda! they breeze by the only bought when pressed for time dairy products! they ramp the glance worthy gum and life savers shelf! and then they crash into the weird impulse items near the register! (cigarette lighters, energy boosting pills and chocolate covered cherries, why?)
the lumberjack and meaty snacks turn the car over and race down the aisle with the motor oil, work gloves and aspirin, turn the sharp curve into a cardboard display (of some racecar driver sitting on a softdrink and snackin’ on a stick of jerky). the woodsman and beef friends then slam on the brakes thus throwing the car-like box into a 360 degree turn, faux-tires squealing, there’s a cardboard piece of “smoke” that rises out of the “hood” and they speed off again only to hit an overlooked box of junior mints! the car flips and the axe-bearer and plastic contained meatlike snacks fly ass-over-forehead into the $2.00 loaves of bread!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

and with that this half-crazy, spiced, beefy, meat-snackiness fun is over.

until next week anyway, when i partake of the teriyaki beef chew. teriyaki? what is this? gourmet jerky? come on! maybe i’ll go in and ask for the jerky du jour and see what kind of looks i get.

next weeks epitomb: jaimie eats beef jerky and describes in juicy detail the “greasy aftertaste”.
TELL-ALL pending, sorry.

jaimie “beef jerky, kippered beefsteak, pickled sausages and meat sticks” pickle

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