the one about junkmail

Category: weekleez

the one about junkmail
Tuesday, April 3, 2001

hi sweeties,

ok, so remember last week i said i would tell you guys about the longest red light? well, i’m not. maybe soon though.

now i did get a few requests to do a certain tell-all expose’ type email. but really, who has the time for all that? and believe me it would take all bloody night and a bottle to write that one.

so i’ve opted for the one about junkmail.

we live in the postmodern world (i don’t care if you’re modern or not, you’re still living in the postmodern age, so deal). we’re space age, digital age, electronic age, new age, age-defying, guaranteed 10% less wrinkles, we live in an age where with one “click” you can get just about anything. and you know what?
we’re still using 3-ring binders.
and you know what?
they still suck.

i’ve never had a binder that wasn’t broken in at least a month. those darn rings get bent and then they start to tear the paper and ARG! useless.

spray bottles are the same way. a couple of squirts and then…. no more spray. ARG! useless wimpy spring! the paper clip holding my toilet together lasted longer than my spray bottle!!! what’s THAT all about?

other useless things we still “use” brought to you by jayda “purple fridays” floyd:
umbrellas – the little rods break or come apart from the material and they don’t even keep you from getting wet, mostly pantyhose – hard to get on, hard to get off, uncomfortable to wear, and forever getting runs
pencils – they never stay sharp, they always wear down, and the eraser always is gone before the pencil is
drive-thrus – no matter how much they renovate the building, the line is always long

these useless things that are used are from katie “a reporter at the Times” enter lastname here:
bandaids – they still hurt coming off and still leave a sticky residue (too right, katie!)
ketchup bottles in restaurants

go girls! i hate all those things. especially pencils and glass ketchup bottles. pencils are for sketching and math. everything else should be in ink. better yet, permanent marker. big, black, bold, jumbo marker. a marker so thick the ink bleeds all over and the writing becomes unreadable. yeah.

as for glass ketchup bottles, why? why are we still using these? ah the quaint old tradition of ramming a knife in a bottle to get your salty tomato-like spread fix. those things should be in museums and novelty restaurants. “look kids! a real glass ketchup bottle! back when i was your age that’s how we used to get all our ketchup.”

thank you space age plastic!

laura “i know i am, i know i am” bentley suggested rubber bands. but uh, i kinda like rubber bands. oh sure, they’re useless as all get out, but there’s nothing more dangerously fun than being bored at work and having a bag of rubber bands and a box of paper clips at your disposal.

but what about junkmail? we’re still getting junkmail. actually we’re getting more useless junkmail now than ever before. what are we going to do about that kids? are we going to get mad and shout?! are we going to rip up the mail then get mad and shout?! are we going to rip up the mail, get mad, shout, toss it away with the rest of the rubbish on the table?! WELL?!

ok first you need to calm down. then go get your mail.

no really, go get the mail.

GET THE MAIL!!

alright, you’ve gotten the mail. now separate the bills and put them in the place where you always put the bills.
*sigh* it’s ok if the bill putting place is in the other room, we’ll wait for you. GO!

ok, now look at the rest of your mail. it’s junk right? right.
NO! don’t toss that yet! look more closely, see, you almost threw away that wedding invitation. (of course, not all of you out there in emailland got a wedding invitation and that’s ok. i didn’t get one either. but i did get a phone bill. just like you!)

ok, so now your personal mail has been separated from the rest of the mail. all you have is junk left. now, any sort of leaflet-type-business-post-card mail goes straight to the trash.
toss it.
NOW!

now we’re in business. you see that credit card junkmail? open it.
now throw all the application crap away. yes, and the “personal” letter. trash it.

all you should have left in your hand is one glorious postage paid envelope. this is a thing of beauty. all you have to do is seal it and put it back in the mail box and pretty soon some poor jerk at the credit card place opens up an empty envelope.

or better yet, put something in it.
you can pack as much as you want in that envelope and you know what? they pay for it! it’s free for you to send them whatever you can fit in there!
i love this country!

my boss gets two (2) or three (3) of those envelopes a day and she gives them to me and i promptly print out a weekly (from the webpage, i would never send a bunch of junkmailers a piece of my own junkmail with a hundred email addresses on it! give me some credit here) i stuff a weekly into the prepaid envelope and send it back to the evil lair from which it came.

now how cool is that?!
i’ve sent nine (9) or ten (10) of these a week for the past 3 months! so far so good. i’ve not gotten into trouble yet. so i suggest you too participate in this harmless game of revenge junkmail. one suggestion though, if you DO use a weekly as your junkmail, don’t use THIS one. and print it from the webpage so as not to give the evils any email addresses. ‘k?

and yes i know that half of the weeklies on the webpage aren’t working. i’ve been meaning to fix that. really.

so go have fun kids! and remember, there’s nothing cooler than free advertisement. so put your business card, webpage, bible tract, etc. in the envelope! what are they going to do? send you junkmail?

junkmail? YAY!

next week’s episode: i’m waiting for one more shoe to drop before the “tell-all”.
BAH-hahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

jaimie “ketchup bottles in restaurants” pickle

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