the one about the lab rat

Category: weekleez

the one about the lab rat
tuesday, march 20, 2001

Hello Sweeties,

Today’s rant is brought to you by the Learning Channel. Because that’s where i saw the horrible image.

i saw a commercial last night on T.V. and it was all about genetics and that sort of hobnob. And on this commercial they show, for much more than a split second, the picture of the rat with the human ear growing out of its back. Nasty. And i gotta say this, that’s just not cool.

A rat. With a HUMAN ear. Growing out of its back.
This is science? GAG. You know, i could ALMOST appreciate the whole thing IF they would stop showing it and get on with the real science. I mean, come on, a rat with an ear on its back… that’s called a MISTAKE.
ERROR.
BLOOPER.
WRONG.
OOPS.
NASTY.

Gads, and what’s more, the scientists are PROUD of that rat. They BRAG about that rat. Oh come on! Anyone with half a wit can see that the whole affair was a scientific blunder.

If i had to turn in a science project and MY rat had grown a human ear on its back… i would’ve told the teacher that my dog ate my project. How embarrassing.
Condescending Science Teacher: “Well Jaimie, the class can appreciate the fact that your mouse has completed the maze in the fastest recorded time. But, well, frankly… we’re appalled at the unsightly human ear growing out of its back. Poor little Jimmy puked his guts out. I have no choice but to fail you. And for the love of God, put that rat out of its misery”

So to all of you “genetic engineers” out there: Go back to the drawing board and FIX the damn rat.

Look, i know absolutely nothing about genetics, DNA, rats, ears, or genetics. So in this episode i cannot bore you with uninteresting histories, scientific jargon, or anything else that may make for an intimidating read…. things like genetics and things.
And so maybe you think i’ll do a list of ten (10) items that could also be genetically grown on the back of a rat. But uh, i’m not touching that one with a ten (10) foot pole. nay nay. Oh no, then what’s gonna be the weekly?

Well, lucky for you, i was able to interview the rat with the human ear growing out of its back. And so here’s the transcription of the interview. Or at least as much of it as i can print. The rat did have quite a mouth on him. Not a human mouth. Just a foul rat mouth. But really who can blame him?

Pickle: Hello Sir, um… i mean, uh…rat…um. What is your name?
Rat: *belch* Yeah, whateva. Just call me Rat or sumpin’.
Pickle: Ok great. Well Rat, i just want to thank you for doing this interveiw and all. I really appreciate it.
Rat: Whateva. I’m doin’ it for da booze. Ya DID bring da booze dincha?
Pickle: OH! Yes, here it is… single malt right?
Rat: yeah yeah yeah…
Pickle: Right, well on with the interview. So, how long have you been a lab rat?
Rat: What’re you some kinda moron? I’ve been a lab rat ALL MY LIFE. I come from a long line of lab rats.
Pickle: Wow. Are any of your ancestors famous lab rats?
Rat: What?! You don’t know much ’bout lab rats do ya?
Pickle: Um, not really no.
Rat: *sigh* Geez. Alright it’s like dis. Lab rats ain’t famous and we don’t get to live long enough ta be famous. *belch*
Pickle: um, so ah, i suppose you have some brothers and sisters?
Rat: Yeah, i got ’bout 40 brahs and 29 sistahs. What of it?
Pickle: OH um, i was just asking. Is it true that your sisters have been cloned from your great-great grandmother?
Rat: HEY! Those are just my half sisters! We ain’t really related.
Pickle: Right. of course. So what about that ear on your back?
Rat: What of it? It ain’t like i gots supersonic hearin’ or nothin’.
Pickle: I see. Has the giant ear on your back become much of a hinderance?
Rat: Da hell you think?
Pickle: Right. stupid question. sorry. Have you become popular because of the ear?
Rat: Whaddya mean? *hack, cough hack*
Pickle: uhhhh. Are you popular with the ladies?
Rat: oh. I’m not sure. I’m not around da ladies much. They keep me in a box with a couple of other guys.
Pickle: Oh, so do you have friends?
Rat: Oh sure. There’s #28. He’s got a molar growing through the top of his skull. and #17 has a finger for a tail. and then there’s Itchy. He’s uh, got a rash or sumpin’.
Pickle: Neat. So you do have friends.
Rat: Well, i guess. I mean, they’d stab me in the back just as soon as look at me, but yeah… we’re friends.
Pickle: Well that’s great. So what are your thoughts on animal testing?
Rat: *belch* eh, it ain’t such a bad gig.
Pickle: What? I figured you’d be against it. I mean hell, they grew a frickin’ ear on your back!
Rat: Oh well, sure there’s that. I didn’t like that so much but really it ain’t so bad. i mean, a couple a injections, a few electric shocks, and sure that maze is a bitch, but at the end of the day i always gets a meal. Things could be worse. I could be Itchy. Pickle: I see. Well thanks for the interview.
Rat: See ya ’round da lab.

That’s the end of the interview and the end of the weekly.

Next week’s episode: “My Date for Senior Prom was a Mennonite” Based on a True Story.

jaimie “see ya ’round da lab” pickle

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