the one about sheffield’s family dining

Category: weekleez

the one about sheffield’s family dining
tuesday, march 6, 2001

hi kids, once again it’s time for the weekly.

this weekend i had the unforgettable experience of south florida.
it’s a different world down there folks. it’s one of those worlds i’d rather look at from a distance, or maybe hold in the palm of my hand, like a snow globe. and shake it violently. but anyway…

most of the interstate that runs through florida is covered up with billboards. and the thing is, they’re all pathetic. they don’t even try. it’s sick. all of the billboards say the same thing and they aren’t even pretty. most of them consist of a black background with flourescent pink and yellow copy. and the real kicker is what they advertise. most of them are about pecans. huh?
what’s the big deal ’bout pecans?

EXIT NOW
FRESH PECANS
3 LBS FOR $1.25
FREE SAMPLES

ok, so maybe it’s a good price for pecans. but what normal consumer needs 3 pounds of pecans? and everyone knows what a scam it is. the pecans aren’t shelled so 3 pounds of non-shelled pecans = about half a pound of actual pecan meat. (pecan meat…doesn’t that sound disgusting?) and they try to entice with free samples! gimmie a break!
sure, i’m gonna cross three lanes of high speed traffic then decelerate in .25 seconds on the shortest ramp in the known world for one free pecan. but hey, FREE PECAN!! oh. goody.
yikes, when you have to offer a free sample on pecans, you know you’re in the wrong business.

anyway, that’s not what i’m here to talk about. there was a different billboard that caught my eye and if there had been anyway to slam on my brakes and jerk the wheel without killing any of us, i would have taken a picture of it. but alas, you’ll just have to take my word for it.

JESUS IS LORD AT
SHEFFIELD’S FAMILY DINING
ALL YOU CAN EAT CATFISH DINNER

now that’s advertising. i mean, i’ve been waiting for someone to capitalize on that whole WWJD thing for years now. What Would Jesus Drive? What Would Jesus Drink? but so far, no one has been brave enough to get stoned/burned first. corporate chickens.

but here’s this mom and pop restaurant proudly declaring that JESUS IS LORD at their restaurant. how cool is that? and gutsy too. you’d never read a McDonald’s ad “COME ENJOY A QUARTER POUNDER WITH CHRIST” now would you? of course you wouldn’t. but Sheffield’s Family Dining on the other hand, makes it abundantly clear who is lord and what is for dinner. neat.

and as if they haven’t done enough for us already, it’s ALL YOU CAN EAT!! but don’t be surprised when the only two things on the menu are fish and bread. (i walk a fine line don’t i?)

and you know, i’m sure that Jesus doesn’t mind a little advertising, especially on I-75 where Disney is king, but JESUS IS LORD at sheffield’s. man, wouldn’t it be so cool to be there at dinner time? you’re sittin’ there, eating your catfish dinner. maybe you’re on your second or third helping by now, and this sleek new SUV screetches to a halt right by your window. you see one sandal, then two. and this guy get’s out drinking a pepsi and wearing a nike hat. walks in and gives pa sheffield a high five and says,”WASSUP?!” and pa sheffield is all kinds of,”yo! wasup JC?”
yeah, ok too far i know. but don’t worry, i’ve been dodging lightning bolts for years now.

i mean,

GEORGE W. BUSH IS LEADER OF THE FREE WORLD
AT SHEFFIELD’S FAMILY DINING

just isn’t as cool. at all.

or

THE RIGHT HONORABLE TONY BLAIR IS PRIME MINISTER OF ENGLAND
AT SHEFFIELD’S FAMILY DINING

is just plain lame.

DR. LAURA IS A SANCTIMONIOUS MEANIE
AT SHEFFIELD’S FAMILY DINING

gag. who would eat there?

one thing’s for sure, buddah is not welcome at Sheffield’s. the last time he was there, he not only insulted christ, but he took the “all you can eat” thing a little too seriously. that fat, happy jerk.

gee, who else can i offend today? maybe i should stop. i think i might write Sheffield’s and offer up a suggestion for their next billboard,

JESUS IS LORD AT
SHEFFIELD’S FAMILY DINING
EXIT NOW
YOU BIG BABY

next week’s episode: martha stewart eats at sheffield’s.

jaimie “i’m going to burn for these one day” pickle

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