The One About a Client

Category: weekleez

ok so today’s weekly might be a little lame. i don’t really have one yet. i think maybe i’ll rant about work today.

just in case i’ve never mentioned it, i work at a sign shop. a really great sign shop. we make dawg gone good signs. no really.

we are currently “working” on a sign, well, we’re *trying* to work on this sign. but you see, the customer (who, in my experience so far, is never right) is a, well, this particular customer is….let’s say…. not too bright. this kid is dumber than a sack of hammers.

and you may be thinking, “gosh jaimie, you’re mean.” or “aren’t you being a little harsh?”
in a word, NO I AM NOT MEAN NOR HARSH. THIS CUSTOMER IS A MORON. ok so maybe that was more than one word.

anyway, this client wants a sign. this client has just purchased a franchise and bladdy bladdy bladdy wants a sign. cool. that’s what we do. this client wants the biggest sign this client can get for the amount of money that the franchise has allocated for said client to purchase a sign. okay, that sounds cool. big sign = big bucks, and apparently it also = big pounding headache.

ok, by now you’re wondering what the big deal is.
well, i’ll tell you. it’s the logo, sort of. the logo is fine actually. it’s a swell logo. it’s a very popular company at the moment and i see commercials and billboards with the logo all the time. you’ve probably seen it too. and maybe, if i’m feeling brave, i’ll have laura make a graphic for this weekly on the webpage and then you too will know what company i’m talking about. by the way, doesn’t she make the most hilarious graphics? have you been to the Local Drivel page? what a hoot.

the client gave us a whole 8 pages of specs that are all about the logo. you see, when a logo is designed, the designer writes up specifications for the logo (includes important info like pms colors, sizes, and wording if there happens to be several slogans or mottos that can be used with the logo.) so basically no one can make their logo look stupid. i like specs (usually). they make my job easier.

okay, i’m just going to reiterate that the CLIENT gave US the specs.

so i design the sign and send the proof to the client thinking to myself, “well, that was simple.”

the next day i get a call, it’s the client wanting to know why i made the logo so small. so i explain to the kid that the specs that were given to me had certain rules and that by breaking those rules the company probably wouldn’t like the sign and therefore would not buy it. it didn’t understand. i tried to expain that i had to leave a certain amount of negative space around the logo.
“why?” it asked.
|and i then proceeded to tell it about the specifications that IT had given us and that i had to leave that space around the logo. so now the customer wants a bigger sign so the logo will be bigger.
fine. more artwork, more faxes, fine.

next day, i get a phone call from the moron. “why is the logo so small?”
(oh dear lord are you serious?) i explain the whole logo phenomena to it again. and it said that it understood what i was saying, but maybe i should try to “stretch” (it’s word) the logo to make it fit. after a brief mental pause, so as not to laugh out loud, i explained. once again, why the logo could not be “stretched”. i then suggested to it that maybe it could try a taller sign instead of a longer sign because the logo would fit much nicer if the sign weren’t so long and skinny (the size it wanted was 12’x2′. which is way too long and skinny) i suggested a 6’x3′. the logo looked much more normal on a 6’x3′. the client seemed okay with that.
more artwork, more faxes.

next day.
the client calls up and tells me that the sign is much too small. mind you this sign is going inside of a building, it’s not an outside sign. it doesn’t have to be seen from the road. why does this shemp want such a big sign?! and now the client wants to talk to my boss. fine.
boss takes over and i hear her once again explaining why we can’t “stretch” the logo and then my boss tells the client that it would look much nicer on a sign that wasn’t 12 ft long.

to make a long story short (yeah right) this tirade has been going on for over 5 weeks! this moron calls every other day now and asks stupid questions that we’ve already answered! we are all losing our minds. every time we get a call from this kid we just shudder. it still wants a 12ft long sign.

one day another person at the company called and wanted to know why it was taking so long to get a sign. we explained once again the rules about the logo and all about why it didn’t look right. the other person understood everything (it was a breath of fresh air to talk to a normal). and that person said that they would explain everything to the moron and that everything should be running smoothly from now on.
good thing i didn’t hold my breath.

next day, we get another phone call from the moron and now it’s still confused about the “stretching” thing. i mean, at this point i’m willing to stretch that damn logo across all 12 feet and be done with the whole project.

next day the moron had a brainstorm and came up with a great idea. it wants two cell phones on either side of the logo. then it says, “oh and by the way, i just want you to know that the little man is orange. in all the faxes you sent it was black and white.”

let’s pause here for a mental scream.

i tell it that yes, i know what color it is and that the faxes are in black and white “because it’s easier that way.” i actually thought about acting confused on that one. “really? it wasn’t in color? maybe your fax machine is out of orange ink or something. office max probably has the orange ink cartridge for your fax, just be sure to tell them the serial number of the machine and your social security number.”

last week it scrapped the cell phone idea and now it wants two other logos on either side of the *main* logo.

great, it can’t even deal with one logo and now i gotta cram two more on this thing?
sure, fine, whatever.

it told me it would fax over the other two logos and you want to know what it faxed? it had printed out two websites with their teensy tiny scratchy little logos in the corners. oh gee, thanks so much.

i contemplated calling it back and asking it to fax it back in color.

sheesh, what’s next?

anyway, laura, when you design the graphic for this one, i just want you to know that the “little man” is orange and whatever size he is needs to be equal to the negative space that you leave around him. or you could try stretching it across 12 ft.

sorry that i had to play the “pronoun game” with this one. i’m just covering myself in case the numbskull actually gets this email (what are the odds? although last week i did get a reply from someone who gets these emails who is a kiwani and not only that but served on the board of directors for the kiwanis club. AND not only that, but he also knew the organist who played at pancake day. imagine my surprise. who knew?).

of course, i doubt that this client could figure it’s way out of a wet paper sack, and to quote a complete stranger, it’s “just the type of person who would get itself trapped in a wet paper sack.”

so there it is. the one about the client.

next week’s epitomb: how not to get trapped in a wet paper sack.

jaimie “what’s our vector, victor?” pickle

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