the one about the platypus

Category: weekleez

the one about the platypus
jaunary 30, 2001

i suppose this one should be called “the one about the platypus”

i was talking to my brother, “justin “itlon” pickle itlon and john “king of the ground squirrel” diener the other day and as always the conversation turned to the platypus. and one of them happens to mention that the platypus has a hook filled with venom on its back leg. thus making our enigmatic duckbilled platypus a venomous mammal.

i was shocked.

i don’t know how… in all my twenty three years… i had missed something as important as that. i didn’t even know there WERE venomous mammals. it’s not like i ever see platypi or anything. however, i never figured them for venomous creatures.

they never teach you that in school. it’s always a “silly” animal. “ah,” the teacher would say, “the duckbilled platypus, it’s one of god’s little mistakes, ha ha. it’s a beaver with a bill and duck feet, and it has fur like a mammal. it lays eggs and walks like a reptile. isn’t that a funny animal?”

i mean, isn’t that kind of like describing a rattlesnake like this, “a rattlesnake is a cold-blooded reptile which sheds its skin. its has beautiful ringed markings along its back. an interesting feature of the rattlesnake is the rattle on the end of its tail, which rattles when the poor little snake feels threatened.” you see, leaving out the part about fangs, venom, and striking distance is sort of a misleading representation of the animal.

like bugs for example, you learn about the “hideousness” of spiders. it’s always, “the evil spider sucks the juices from its prey.” and “the black widow is poisonous! it’ll kill you! don’t touch!” but did your biology professor ever warn you of the gruesome pain that awaits if you happen to stumble upon a platypus? hmm? oh sure, the female praying mantis kills and eats her mate, but what about your overloaded pain receptor neurons that have gone into shock because you reached down to pet that cute platypus? well you can thank Dr. “i’m also the basketball coach” for that one.

but see, the platypus is funny looking, therefore you never really hear about its true nature and anatomy. it’s cute, how could it possibly be dangerous? it’s like the “trouble with tribbles” sham. “aw, how cute….i think i’ll…..zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz” i’m not making any sense am i?

so the next time you and your buddies are sitting around and the platypus comes up in your conversation (as is prone to happen) and you hear one of your misinformed commrades say, “isn’t the platypus a funny looking animal?” well, that’s when you should emphatically say, “funny looking?! my god man, have you lost your mind? not only are they nasty, nocturnal, bottom feeders, but they have a venomous hook on their back legs and wouldn’t think twice about nailing you with it and causing you pain beyond what your brain is capable of comprehending! of course, if that’s your idea of funny looking, then by all means, the platypus is a funny looking animal.”

i find that over-reacting is ten (10) times more funny than just plain old reacting. which is odd because i subscribe to the whole “act, don’t react” philosophy of action. however, when mere “acting” is too hard i think it’s best to over-react, that way you get your point across. did i mention its funnier?

so i did a bit of research (as always. i’m way too curious to just let the subject of poisonous mammals fade away) on venomous mammals and would you believe that there are three (3) such animals?

1. platypus
2. echidna
3. a couple of shrews

now i’m not too concerned about these venomous beasts, mainly because they all live in australia (and everyone knows that ozland is home to most of the world’s poisonous/dangerous/ferocious/funny looking animals) HOWEVER, while i was searching the Shrew Talk newsletter (which is about as interesting as reading the instructions that came with your toaster) i read that there are poisonous shrews here in the US. and let me tell you, i can sleep well tonight knowing that the danger-shrews have only been found in arizona. but, uh, i’m certain that if you live in arizona you’re more concerned with dying in a desert wasteland than being nibbled on by a poisonous shrew. i know i would.

and as far as the echidna is concerned, well, i had no idea what it was. i kept thinking it was some kind of half woman half snake myth. turns out, they’re real, only it’s not an evil snake-nymph at all. it’s actually a spiny anteater. go figure.

well, i suppose i’ve rambled enough. although i do feel a need to pass along some other information to you that i’ve learned recently as i’m sure it may come in handy for you.

1. giraffes breathe fire
2. the common ground squirrel has a guided missle device
3. wild boar are made up of interchangeable parts
4. the echidna is “a female monster consisting of half nymph, half speckled snake. It lived in a cave coming out to snatch up and eat those passing. The critter was ageless but, not immortal. It was killed by argus panoptes while sleeping. It mated frequently with typhoeus producing a variety of offspring.”
5.even so is a band that is giving a FREE concert on feb. 16 at vineyard gadsden (421 broad street) so be there or be sorry.

next week’s episode: itlon, the missing years. itlon

jaimie “itlon i bet you’re wondering what itlon is. itlon” pickle

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