6.10.08 liberry daze

Category: dribblings

so this lady comes up to the desk, right? and this is what she says to me, she says, and i’m not even making this up, and it even pains me to talk about this and you would know that if i were telling you this story aloud because you’d be able to hear the wearied sigh in my voice, she says, “do y’all have any books that are on the bestseller list?”

sigh. this is going to be good.

i hesitate for a moment and i just go with, “yes.”

“well where are they?”

they’re in the street. in the middle of it. the yellow lines? that’s where they are.

“are you looking for something in particular?”

“your bestsellers.”

“no, i mean…” really? did she really just say that? “is there a certain book you’re after?”

“i was just wanting something off the bestseller list.”

i’m being punk’d. right? “well, most of the popular stuff is checked out right now. if there’s one in particular you’d like to read i could locate it for you or, if it’s checked out i could put it on reserve for you.”

“what about the new Danielle Steele?”

“it’s checked out. would you like me to reserve it for you?”

“no, i want to read something now.”

“oh.”

“are you sure it’s checked out?”

“yes.”

“oh. so where’s her other books at?”

“okay, you see the shelves with the Indian Squaw on them?”

“yes.”

“her books are halfway down that shelf.”

“can you show me? i’ll never find them.”

“i can see them from here.”

“i can’t see very well.”

you’re a lazy liar. “sure, follow me.”

so i take her to the Danielle Steele books. “here they are,” i say.

“oh. now which one is her bestseller?”

oh i know, trust me, i was there.

“i think that… they were all…bestsellers.”

“what?”

“pretty much anything she writes ends up on the bestseller list.”

“well, which one is on the bestseller list now?”

the one where i smack you in the mouth with my patience. “i think it’s called Honor Thyself.”

“do you have it?”

“it’s checked out.”

“oh. what about Nora-”

“checked out.”

“her bestseller?”

“…yes.”

“is checked out too?”

“yes.”

“what about Ricky Scaggs?”

“i’m not familiar with that author. i could look him up-”

“you know, he’s the writer from Jacksonville? he writes about his family?”

“oh. you mean, Rick Bragg.”

“yes!”

“you want his new one?”

“yes! do you have it?”

“it’s checked out.”

“oh. so y’all don’t have any bestsellers here?”

keep it simple, stupid. “no. we don’t.”

“well i wish you did.”

“me too. i’d be happy to put any of those books on reserve for you.”

“nah. say, do you have any of those books with the recipes in them?”

“…cookbooks?” i wince.

by then one of my coworkers had pity on me (i was stuck with that cow for 20 minutes) and she took over. the lady was talking about some mystery writer who includes recipes in the backs of her books, i guess. i’ve been stuck with this lady several times before, but this was the worst. i hate her because she asks for recommendations and the she NEVER checks out ANYTHING i EVER recommend. mostly i hate that she acts so helpless… and she’s a fucking teacher.

i mean, when we were in the Danielle Steele books she was wanting to know which one she should read first. i told her that i didn’t think the Steele books were in series, that most of them were stand alones. then she was all, “well how do you know if it’s a series?”
well shitfuck lady, i guess eventually you’re going to have to TAKE A GADDAM BOOK OFF THE SHELF AND READ THE JACKET COVER. and unless you’re wearing dark glasses and carrying a red and white cane? I’M NOT GOING TO DO THAT FOR YOU.

she is wasting our oxygen.

Tags: ,

11 Comments