lately mr. fleegan has been buying dark chocolate. i love the stuff. the first bag of individually wrapped chocolates was a bag of Hershey’s Bliss. get it? bliss? instead of kiss? the candies were not kiss shaped, mind. they were squares of foil wrapped dark chocolate and they were just fine. i really like to have a couple pieces with my morning coffee.

i don’t usually eat breakfast in the mornings. i do like breakfast food, but not first thing in the morning, you know? so if i do get up and drink a coffee i usually like to have a bite of something sweet with it. the dark chocolate works. i know that Hershey’s isn’t the “finest” chocolate out there, but it’s cheap.
and you can stuff it, you chocosnobs.

this time mr. fleegan opted for the Dove Promises individually wrapped dark chocolate pieces. they go really well with my coffee too, however they are highly annoying because on the inside of the wrapper they have printed little “special PROMISES® messages” which i guess are supposed to be little affirmations or cutesy things. but i’m pretty sure they’re evil because they put bad thoughts into my head.

the first one i opened said “Smile. People will wonder what you’ve been up to.” they’ll think you were doing something cool. but you were really shoving chocolate in your face all morning. only you will know about your secret shame.

the second one was, “Naughty can be nice.” and my thought was, “not according to Santa.”

the third one was, “Make your eyes twinkle.” and i’m like, “how? by poking them? dumbass candy.”

the fourth one says, “Buy yourself flowers!” and what they’re really saying is “Buy yourself flowers, fat girl.” which pisses me off. gaddam smartass chocolate.

the fifth one? “It’s definitely a bubble-bath day.” whose job is it to write this bullshit? bubble-bath day? it’s tuesday, asshole.

and can we stop here for a moment and mention that GUYS ALSO EAT DARK CHOCOLATE? maybe they’re counting on the fact that if guys eat this candy they’re just going to tear into it and wad up the foil to make foil balls that they can flick around the house/desk/wherever and NOT read the treacle on the wrapper. which is what i should start doing.

the sixth one, “Lose yourself in a moment.”
which i played back in my mind as, “Lose yourself in a moment: masturbate.”

and the one i had this morning said, “Don’t think about it so much.”
which is apropos for this whole rant, no?

“Don’t think about it so much.” piss off, Dove. at least Hershey just provides the candy and not lame bullshit PROMISES®. they should borrow jokes from Laffy Taffy and put them on the wrappers. at least those wouldn’t be so insulting to our intelligence.

“Don’t think about it so much.” oh gosh! golly! you’re so right, Dove! i just won’t think about it so much! that’ll fix everything. ha! what war? gas prices? work? bills? these words mean nothing to me now! i’m all Scarlett o’Hara over here fiddle-dee-dee-ing my worries away, thanks to you Dove! now i can live my life in a fog of denial and subliminal masturbatory messages! hooray!

 

 

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