The One About Stevie Wonder

Category: weekleez

Disclaimer: I apologize to God and Stevie Wonder for the blasphemy herein. But all you U2 fans can go soak your head.

hi kids,

iTunes has a thing where you can buy every song Stevie Wonder ever recorded (i think there’s over 500 songs. it’s 32 CDs.) and it’s ONLY $189 (so see, even if you could miraculously buy those CDs for $10 a piece that’s $320. so $189 is SUCH A DEAL THAT MY JEW SENSES ARE TINGLING.), and i think i peed a little when i saw it. i’m trying to justify buying it and i really can’t. i want it i want it i want it i want it (but you caaaaaaaaan’t have it.)

i remember that they did that with U2 didn’t they? offer like, all their songs for one price? and i remember thinking at the time what a waste of actual money and only a doosh would buy something so stupid. this is what happens when you’re a judging judgehole. you become the doosh.

see? i can learn lessons. i’m not a complete moron.

but seriously, who needs every U2 song, right? i mean, don’t get me wrong, i sorta like U2. i mean, i like a couple of their songs. but all you need is a greatest hits CD and there you go. does anyone really need 4 different versions of Mysterious Ways?

but c’mon! this is Stevie Wonder! somehow, i need all of his songs. yes, i NEED 4 different versions of Livin’ For the City.

i really just want all his funky ’70s songs. you can’t not bob your head or shake your booty or somehow move while a Stevie song is on. unless you’re dead. ‘cos i think that even if you’re paraplegic, you are boogie-ing in your head. and that totally counts. in fact, i think that God can use Stevie Wonder’s funk to miraculously cure people.

it would be easier if you could bottle his funk or make it into a small, easy to swallow pill. but that’s too easy, and the funk would not totally permeate your soul, and there would be less healing. but to listen to Stevie Wonder’s funk, to let it flow over you and get into your bones through a combination of faith and aural science that hasn’t been completely proven yet, well, i mean, how could his music not heal you? look, it’s as simple as solving the quadratic formula for x:

he’s a funk healer.

okay, sure. if you’re deaf i could see how there woud be a problem. it’s not an exact faith/science okay? geez.

and i know what you’re saying. you’re saying, “wow jaimie. you sure are full of more shit than usual today.”

well, here’s my response to all you nay-sayers:

“yeah, sure. go ahead and make fun of the zealot! everyone knows it’s SO HARD to make fun of those! you’re just pissed that i made fun of your precious U2. and for the record? Bono is NOT the second coming of Jesus Christ okay? so sit down and let the big kids talk.“

and we all know that the first funky riff of Superstitious is probably the funkiest funk since funk came to funktown, so you know that it’s probably chockfull of funk healing goodness. i know that it has cured my bad mood on many occassions. testimony!

<evangelist>

brathas and sistahs! i was like you once! i was walking on a paaath to nowhere-uh! i was dowwwwn in a bad place-uh! i was driving home from walmart-uh! and i was sad! cos i didn’t have no money to be spendin’! i was mad! cos i had to wait four years in line! i was downright goin’ crazy! just tryyyyyyin’ to get out of the parking lot-uh!

but then! like an angel’s holy trumpet! like an amazing! aural! beacon of complete jo-ay! i heard the the funk-healing organ of Stevie’s masterpiece! and my bad mooooood LEFT! hallejalula! and my angerrrrr! was GONE! praise Jesus!

and my boooootay was shakin! and i was filled! with the love and the spirit! glowray!

</e>

and it doesn’t even have to be a song that Stevie sings! nay! just as long as he wrote it is sufficient enough for his funk healing powers to work! if you believe. for instance, Susan Tedeschi’s version of Love’s in Need of Love Today has the funk healing on it. when Chaka Khan sings Tell Me Something Good, you know your head is swaying and you’re singing with her! and his blessed funk is holding you like a warm blanket on a cold winter’s night.

he co-wrote Tears of a Clown, and hell, i know that it’s not the coolest song in his funky oeuvre. but you know! KNOW! that everyone who reads this has heard Tears of a Clown and has at least once, ONCE! when no one was around, sang the chorus OUT LOUD! and then laughed and changed the station.

SUCH IS THE POWER OF STEVIE.

you didn’t think it was Smokey did you?
DIDYOU?!

there’s only 3 Beatles songs i really like. and one of them is We Can Work It Out. and did Lennon and McCartney write that one? I’LL GIVE YOU ONE GUESS.

THE ANSWER IS NO. LITTLE STEVIE WONDER WROTE IT, BLESSED IT, SIGNED, SEALED, AND DELIVERED IT.

SUCH IS HIS FUNK-HEALING PROWESS.

i’m going to go as far as to say that he doesn’t even have to write the song, as long as he’s in the recording studio as a song is being recorded…his funk blessing will touch the song. if he’s within a 100 mile radius of the recording studio…his funkiness will bless. if Stevie wakes up in the morning…his funkiness, knowing no bounds, spreads throughout the land, like warm sunshine, kissing the earth, causing crops to grow, nutritious foods for starving bellies, making the funky rain fall so we can quench our thirst for funk and water. he stretches his arms out to the world as if to give the world a giant funkfilled hug and to provide shade for handicapped children. when he breathes, his inhales and exhales provide enough wind to power those creepy windmills that provide clean and safe energy, safer and cleaner than nuclear power. it’s funklear power. and it is good.

do you hear him, world? do you hear him?! he is calling you. HE IS CALLING YOU TO SAY THAT HE LOVES YOU FROM THE BOTTOM OF HIS HEART AND HE NEEDS NOT A SPECIAL HOLIDAY WITH WHICH TO DO IT.
God bless Stevie Wonder.

and to all you nonbelievers who are so cynically asking, “well, if he’s such the funk healer you say he is, why is he still blind?”

wow, you’re sick. you’re really sick.

next epitomb: yeah, like i’m not going to get struck by lightning for this one?

jaimie “funk healer” pickle

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