a while back when mom and dad were out of town for leetle brahther’s surgery (he’s doing great by the way. he’s back at work and everything.) i watched their house and pet menagerie. mom was all, “i’ll buy you a present for feeding the cat and dogs.” and i was all, “mom, it’s really no problem to feed those guys. don’t worry about it.”

but still, she bought me a present.

when she got home she was all, “here! open your present!”
and i was all, “mom, you didn’t-”
“you’re going to hate it!”
“hate it? i’m sure i’ll lo- oh. it’s a bird feeder.”
“hahahahaha!”
“*sigh* thanks mom.”
“hee, i know how you love birds.”
“uh huh.”
“heehehehehe.”
“oh here mom, i bought this bird feeder for you!”

no dice. she wouldn’t take it back.

it’s a hummingbird feeder that looks like a red bottle of wine, and you put this red juice in it and then hummingbirds come out of nowhere to drink the juice. and i’ll admit, it’s probably the least messiest way to feed birds, and it doesn’t attract squirrels like seed feeders do. also, hummingbirds are mostly quiet. you really only hear them zooming around. they may have a call of some kind but i’ve never noticed it.

so if you’re like me and you hate birds, just know that hummingbirds aren’t quite as bad as regular, gross, evil birds. however they do fight each other. they get pissed when another one flies up while they’re feasting on red sugar water even thought there’s three fake flowers for them to choose from. hummingbirds, like most nature, doesn’t understand the concepts of sharing and cooperation. i believe this is because they didn’t grow up watching Sesame Street.

i didn’t realize that
A. there were that many hummingbirds around and
B. that they come to the feeder all day long.

if i had known that i probably would not have hung the feeder so close to the front door. because now every time i leave the house (before 8pm) i forget about the feeder and something zooms past my head all pissy and i scream, “IEEEE! a bee! a bee!” and flail around. when in fact it is not a bee and is instead an effin’ bird.

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