so while we were decorating the tree last night i wanted to see what was on VH1 classics cos usually there’s something watchable yet not something i have to pay actual attention to on that channel. it was some kind of john lennon biopic that i was not interested in. but it only had 20 minutes more to go so i thought i’d scroll through the guide and find something i could stand for a couple of minutes until the whatever was coming on the VH1.

so there was this movie already on. and it had willem dafoe in it. and if you know me then you know i’m a sucker for mr. dafoe. but what’s this? a movie of his i’ve never seen? and what else is this? it has madonna in it? really? and i’ve never seen it?

how is this even possible?

perhaps you’re already laughing.

so kelly and i are decorating the tree, all innocent and christmas-y. i look up at the tv and, “whoa. i think they’re having sex.”

“ha! madonna boobs!”

“okay, i think it’s… no wait, they’re doing it again.”

“ha! madonna boobs!”

“hey jimmy, madonna’s boobs are on tv.”

jimmy responds from the other room where he’s playing WoW (where he’s been for the last month and a half.) “no thanks, i’m good.”

“okay but you’re missing- oh jeez! don’t look!”

“oh my god.”

“ow, that looks-”

“what are we watching?”

“i thought it was a courtroom drama.”

“more like bedroom.”

“more like pornroom.”

minutes later we look back at the tv.

“are they still doing it?”

“i can’t tell. madonna is hanging from the ceiling? why is she-”

“oh for the love!”


“i don’t need that in my head! who needs that in their head? dammit. let’s go across the street and see mom’s christmas tree.”

“okay! good idea!”

so we trek over to see mom’s tree. she’s got the tree up, but no ornaments on it yet. we gab for a bit and decide to go home. mom follows so she can see our tree. we get home and we’re talking about the tree and mom says, “what the hell are you watching?”

“i don’t know, but for a while there willem dafoe and madonna were having sex.”


“no, i mean, i think they were really doing it.”

“wait, is she-?”

“oh! shit, where’s the remote?!”

“she’s going to-”

“i know! looking! remote!”

“so you and kelly watch porn while jimmy plays on the computer all day long?”

there is no way that movie has a plot.

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