9.26.07

Category: dribblings

my right eye has been twitching for days. is that a signifier for stress? nah, couldn’t be. what’ve i got to be stressed about?

it’s probably too much caffeine.

**

i think i know why i’ve been so bitchy lately…i noticed the gigrando full moon…i’m thinking it’s PMS.

**

the full moon has brought out the DAs to the ‘brary and the idiotas to the car drivers in the opposite lane. i’ve been nearly side swiped 3 times this week. and no, i’m not the one too close to the yellow line. my car is completely within my lane, i assure you.

the library shenanigans has been on. i’ve lied to two people this week. i’ve had to deal with two very dense individuals and my only course of action was to lie. one was a guy on the phone who would not understand that he could NOT buy our Hardy Boys books.

“hey, i seen on your sign you got a booksale going on?”

“yes sir.”

“you sellin’ any Hardy Boys books?”

“no sir, we don’t usually have many kids books in the sale.”

“well do you know if there’s any Hardy Boys books for sale?”

“….there are no Hardy Boys books for sale.”

“in your booksale?”

“none. for sale. if you have a library card with us you can check out some Hardy Boys books.”

“well, that’s just as good!”

“…is it?” (i’m wincing here.)

“how many do you have?”

“how many…Hardy Boys books do we have?”

“yeah! i’m lookin’ for about 50 of them.”

“do you have a library card with us?”

“no, how do you get one?”

i tell him what he needs to bring. that part is boring so why write the dialogue for that.

“so how many Hardy Boys books do you think you have?”

“we have… all of them.”

now, we’ve like, 5 shelves full of Hardy Boys, right? i’m sure we don’t have all of them, but at the same time, how could we not have all them?

“you have them all?!”

“yes. yes we do.”

“really?”

“mhmm.”

“i’ve looked all over Gadsden and couldn’t find nowhere that had them.”

“no kidding.”

“i even tried the internet.”

“you…couldn’t find them on the internet?”

“not on ebay.”

“did you try amazon?”

“no. i guess i could try there though.”

“that would be a good idea.”

“‘k thanks!”

the other lie i told was to a lady whom i never should have attempted to help in the first place for these reasons:

1. she was an idiot, and it was obvious right away.

2. she was picking out books for her daughter to read for school, and she did not have her daughter with her. and it “gets my goat” (and trust you me, you do NOT want to get MY goat. you dirty goat getters.) when parents, usually it’s moms, come in and pick out books for their kids. hey, i know it’s not always convenient to take your children with you out in public, i get that, but when it’s to get books for them to read? either

A. ask them what they want before you leave or

B. have some kind of idea about what your kid is into or

C. hey, wouldn’t it be novel if you brought your kid with you and had them pick out what they want to read, you stupid idiot lady who has obviously never read a book in her life.

3. i’ve been a little pissy lately so maybe i shouldn’t have tried to help the stupid woman.

so here’s how it all went down and i lied to a stranger:

lady comes in, right? and she comes up to the desk and says, “my daughter has read ALL the Judy Blume books you have, and she did really well on the AR tests for those. but y’all don’t have any more Judy Blume books. so is there any other books like Judy Blume books that she could read?”

i say, “that’s a very good question.” because it is. Ms. Blume is awesome at writing for kids. awesome. but right off hand i couldn’t think of any other kids’ books about starting your period, masturbation, pain-in-the-ass siblings, divorced/dead parents, moving to a new school, being kinda jewish, or losing your virginity. sorry, i just couldn’t think of a single other author who’s written anything like that. in fact, i still can’t. what can you say, Judy Blume is one of a kind.

“are you sure she’s read them all? we’ve tons of those.”

“yes. she’s read all of them. and she was able to comprehend them and she did so well on the tests. she’s reading at a 5th grade level, you know.”

“oh? what grade is she in?”

“she’s in 5th grade.”

the hell? is she bragging that her 5th grader is reading at a 5th grade level?

isn’t she supposed to be? am i missing something?

 

so my coworker says, “what about beverly cleary?”

and the lady is all, “she read those last year.”

plus, most of the cleary books are for younger kids. this girl is in 5th grade and has to read books worth at least 5 points and no more than 6.2. the AR program is worthless and everyone hates it, but what are you gonna do?

so then we suggest Nancy Drew because most of the Nancys are 5th grade level, and i know, weren’t we all reading those in 2nd grade? so i take the lady to the stacks to show her the Nancy Drew books and she asks, “why do you think Nancy Drew?”

“what do you mean?”

“is Nancy Drew like Judy Blume?”

“um, …no? what?”

“why did that lady suggest Nancy Drew?”

“because it’s the same level as the Judy Blume books your daughter read so the comprehension should be the same.”

“but are they the same kind of books?”

“well, no. Judy Blume writes about… growing up and the Nancy Drews are mysteries, is that what you mean?”

“then why do you think my daughter would like Nancy Drew books when she likes Judy Blume books?”

keeeeee-rist.

“how do you know she won’t? i like both of them. everyone likes Nancy Drew. didn’t you?”

“i don’t remember those books.”

at this point i’m doubting that the lady even knows how to read. also at this point she is going through the binder of her daughter’s school to see what point value the AR books have. the books listed are of course, listed in alpha order by the author’s last name. i’m certain you can see where this is going.

“i promise you, lots of girls read Nancy Drew. we check them in and out every day. just pick one and if your daughter likes it, just think, there’s 200 of them to choose from! she’ll have enough to last her her whole 5th grade year! and check it out, they’ve even written new ones so your daughter won’t have to read the ones from the ’30s that we read, Nancy’s got a computer and stuff now.”

“i can’t find Nancy Drew in this list anywhere! maybe she’s not on the AR list.”

“she’s on the AR list. are you-“

“there’s nothing under Drew!”

*sigh* “Nancy Drew is the character.”

“she didn’t write her own books?”

“…no ma’am. Carolyn Keene is the name of-“

“she really likes the Judy Blume books though.”

“i understand that. i’m trying to help you find other books that are at your daughter’s reading level. if you don’t want to try a Nancy Drew book, and i don’t know why you wouldn’t, what harm could there be? you might try some of the Little House books. i know most of them are fairly easy, but i think she wrote a couple for older kids.”

“oh! Little House! my other daughter loved those!”

“well good. let’s see if-“

“now who wrote those i wonder?”

“i believe it was little Laura Ingalls-“

“oh yeah! i loved that show!”

“…Wilder. Half pint wrote the books.”

“really? wait, there’s no Ingalls in here.”

“that’s because she married Almanzo Wilder.”

“what?”

“it’s Laura Ingalls Wilder.”

(and i just want you guys to know, i’ve only seen 3 episodes of that show in my life, and i’ve never read the books. but even i know who the hell half pint married, sheezus.)

“just like in the show!”

“just like.”

i go and get one of the books that’s level 5 and the lady says, “oh no, that book is too thick.”

“well it’s…i mean, the letters are nearly an inch tall here. it looks big but it’s really-“

“no, she’ll never want to read that with it so big and all.”

“but it’s not really that-“

“she won’t read it.”

so now i’m tired of dealing with Miss Unhelpable, and i’ve already spent too much time trying to help a lady who obviously doesn’t think my advice is worthwhile, so i start to say something like, “i’ll leave you to it. i’ve got to get back to the desk.”

but she says, “i just wish there were more Judy Blume books she could read.”

a little part of me dies inside. and i actually turn into the Incredible Hulk, and i crush her skull and smash her into the proverbial smithereens. well, not really, it was more like an Ally McBeal moment. but i am seething because: dead horse beating going on over here.

so i says to her i says, “look. Judy Blume is dead. She won’t be writing any more kids books, okay? you need to move on, and pick something else out for your daughter or better yet, let her come pick out something.”

and i left her in the stacks lamenting the death of Judy Blume.

only, the thing is?

Judy Blume isn’t actually dead. in fact, she has a blog.

Dear Judy Blume,

Hi. Yesterday I told a lady you were dead. I’m sorry. I know it’s rude to lie, and it’s horrible that I lied about something like death, but I think that given the circumstances you wouldn’t mind too much. Besides, I’m certain that if that lady knew what it was you actually wrote about she’d be one of those crazy bitches who’d try to ban your books.

Anyway, sorry about the lie.

Love,

Jaimie

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