12.29.08 a monday

from the Bitch and Moan Dept.

today’s cup of Monday has been filled to the brim with things that have annoyed me so hard i just want to start swearing, but i’m afraid if i do i’ll never stop. it all started with the bathroom sink. it’s clogged.
this? this is no big deal. it’s a clogged sink. it’s not the end of the world.
but it’s how my day started out.

and before i could even drink a cup of coffee i was pouring some kind of evil industrial acid down the sink in hopes that it would eat through whatever is blocking the pipe. this, admittedly, was stupid. i should’ve at least had some coffee first. i guess i wasn’t paying close attention (huh) whilst pouring the acid down the sink, and some of it got on my hand. which, i did not notice at first. then, all of a sudden i thought a hornet had stung my finger. nay, ’twas not a rogue bathroom hornet. simultaneously, several spots on my hand started stinging.

i rinsed my hand with cold water. cold water which then was left standing in my clogged bathroom sink. (clever you, Monday.) there are a couple of red spots on my hand and the one on my finger (the one that hurt the most) has a tiny burn-y spot on it. i didn’t know what to do so i put some hand lotion on it. looking back now, after drinking my whole cup of Monday, i guess neosporin would have been a better choice.

the acid did not eat the clog.
i plunged some more. to no avail. i borrowed dad’s auger. i proceeded to get dad’s auger stuck in the drain. after a cup or two of coffee i managed to get the auger out of the drain, and still, sink’s clogged.

defeated, i went to work. the jeep started today, so that was nice. not like last monday when it left me stranded at a gas station and freezing. see? i’m totally an optimist, guys.

have i mentioned my ribs?
well, they hurt. on my right side. i have no explanation for this. at work on Saturday they started hurting. on Sunday i didn’t even go to church cos they were bothering me (thank God i didn’t have to play bass. i don’t know what i would have done… lain down? [wait. lain? laid? would have lain…? i don’t know.]) so any way, my ribs, for no reason, have been hurting and i get to work and i get roped into helping take the Christmas tree down. again, not the end of the world by any means… just annoying.

at lunch, the Sandwich Artist piled all the jalapenos in one mound on my sandwich instead of speading them evenly along the bun. next time, i’ll carefully inspect my sandwich for proper veggie coverage. lesson learned. i think the Sandwich Artist was working her second day of sandwich creation because when she asked me what veggies i wanted on the sandwich i replied, “drag it through the garden.” she did not understand this well-known slang, and stared at me as though i had just recited a Portuguese love sonnet. which i had not.

i’m almost certain if i had said, “i can haz veggies now? lolz!” she would’ve understood. apparently, she piled up the jalepenos in one massive wave of pain which started a fire on the thing that hangs down in the back of your throat? the uvula? yes, the Napoleon box formation of biochemical fire started there and continued to march down my throat, into my stomach, through the duodenum, and then into Russia where it was finally defeated by starvation and winter. take that, you imperialistic peppers.

*sigh* oh the patrons. i swear, everyone who called on the phone today to renew their books first shoved a sleeve of Ritz crackers in their mouth before they started talking. it was Mumble Monday. i had to have this one guy spell his name for me 4 times. do you want to know what he was spelling? it was T-E-E-L.

and three times today people asked if i could “re-up” the the date on their books. where is this non-word coming from? children, the word you’re looking for is renew or recheck. use it. and don’t use re-up… for anything. because i’m afraid if i keep hearing it i’m going to start using it.

then i volunteered to work a 10 hour shift tomorrow so a pal could have the day off. why did i do that? i’m such a schmo. ugh, Tuesday Jaimie is going to HATE Monday Jaimie for this.
this cliched Protestant work ethic is killing me.

i get home and the Lord has not miraculously fixed my sink. i mean, not like i expect Him to do things like that, y’know. He’s got way better things to do, right? but still, a tiny little part (the eternal optimist part) thought, “hey, maybe Jesus fixed my sink while i was at work. i love Miracle Plumber Jesus!”

but of course, Miracle Plumber Jesus had not been by the house. He was probably out feeding the hungry and healing the sick so it’s not that i’m complaining. just stating a fact.

so i go across the street and borrow a few wrenches from dad. i disconnect the j pipe and try to auger the pipe that runs behind the wall. i got about 3 and half feet in and decide that’s probably far enough. so i drag out the wire bit and clean it and yes, there’s a bit of nastiness on the end. so i put the j pipe back together and turn on the sink and the sink is filled with standing water immediately and the j pipe is leaking like the roof of Frank Lloyd Wright’s house.

this seemed like a good time to start drinking.

you know, i really thought i could fix a simple sink clog. i really did. i actually believed in myself, in my slightly handy abilities, in my moxie, in my Hey, I’m a Girl and Also? I Can Unclog a Drain.

but no. i failed in every conceivable way. even my acid was ineffectual. acid.

for i am Plumber Benign.

Tags: nerd, plumbing, rant