The Smartest Book in the World: A Lexicon of Literacy, A Rancorous Reportage, A Concise Curriculum of Cool by Greg Proops

smartestbook

I love wit, and Greg Proops has a ton of it. This clever book is filled with terrific lists of books, art, movies, Roman emperors, and many, many things baseball. This was such a fun read, and bonus, it’s very informative.

Like many comedians, Proops really knows how to use words. He has a vast vocabulary while using an economical style, so his essays are very short and to the point while also entertaining and laugh-out-loud funny. The man is dead clever. I wish I had written at least half of the essays myself!

I very much enjoyed all of the baseball topics, and his knowledge of the history of the game is impressive. Actually, his knowledge of the history of all the things is pretty impressive. And he feeds you this knowledge in bite-sized nuggets of fun.

What I really loved though, was how he wrote about women. It was so nice to read such smart and respectful things about women. Kudos to you, Mr. Proops!

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Tags: baseball, Greg Proops, nonfiction

YOLO, Jesus

Category: Uncategorized

This was written on a window in the back of a church I played at last night.

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Tags: church, yolo

Lost and Found Department

Category: dribblings

At work the other day I answered a phone call. It went a little something like, no, it went exactly like this:

Me: Library, how may I help you?

Lady: I was trying to find my grandson’s social security card and all I can find are the copies I made of it. I cannot find the original.

Me: Do you need the social security’s office number?

Lady: No, I remembered that the last time I saw the original was when I was making copies of it on the copy machine at the library. I was wondering if you had found the original at the copier.

Me: Oh! Were you here this morning?

Lady: No, it was three…. three and a half years ago.

Me: …. (inside my head I’m thinking, “Don’t laugh. Don’t Laugh. Be a pro. Don’t laugh.”)

Me: Um, let me…. check with the Lost and Found Department. Please hold.

I place the call on hold and slit my throat with a glue stick, unsure if I’m horrified that this lady really believes there’s a chance in hell we would’ve kept something like that for over three years in hope that one day we would receive such a call and the mystery of the forgotten social security card could at last be put to rest, or if I’m just flat out impressed by her optimism and ashamed of my own bad attitude.

Coworker: Did you just refer to the lost and found basket as a department?

Me: Yes.

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Tags: library, lost and found department, work stories

The Ravens by Vidar Sunstol

Category: 50 Books

I praised the first two books in Vidar Sundstol’s Minnesota Trilogy for their interesting mystery, use of historical fiction intermingled with the present, and overall sense of melancholy. This is the third book about Lance Hansen trying to figure out if his brother is a murderer or not. This mystery is really good, and I love that the author gives nothing away, but keeps dangling possible suspects in your face the whole time. So the mystery gets an A+.

This book is different from the other two. First off, the historical part with Hansen’s Norwegian relatives is severely lacking. Those parts had been so important to the story in the other two books! I loved those parts! Why were there no historical bits in this one? Bummer.

Secondly, while I do love a well-paced book, the first half of this book was very slow. In fact, it all seemed a bit too long. The second half sped up, but I don’t think it was enough to save the bloated feeling of the whole book.

I love the trilogy as a whole. I love how ambitious it is to include the history of immigrants, Native Americans, as well as an overarching mystery, but this last book was the weakest of the three.

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Tags: Scandinavian crime fiction, Vidar Sundstol

Left in a library book

Category: dribblings

Oh guys, this is a good one. This was returned in a library book on Friday, April 24, 2015.

Prognostication.

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Tags: library

You said it, kid.

Category: dribblings

A kid made this for us at work. I had to display it. I’m not made of stone.

PRINT Somthing is my favorite.

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Tags: library, work stories

Lady, no.

Category: dribblings

At work the other day a lady patron come in without her husband, they usually come in together, but I didn’t ask where he was or anything. So she returns her books and kind of hangs out for a bit too long standing there, and I, in my awesomely friendly fashion ask her how she’s doing.

“Not well,” she responds. And says nothing else but also does not leave the desk. So everything is awkward, so I, in my awesomely awkward fashion say, “Well, it’s Tuesday. So at least we got Monday out of the way.”

Look, I get it, I’m an idiot. You don’t have to tell me how goofy what I said is.

She says, “Yeah, at least it’s not Monday.” and finishes with a big sigh, and still lingers at the desk.

“You all right?”

“No. I lost my best friend on Saturday.”

OH NO. WHAT HAVE I WALKED INTO? I JUST OPENED UP A CAN OF WORMS. GRIEF WORMS, AT THAT. I mean, I’ve been really blessed so far that none of my besties have died yet. And oh man! Does she mean her husband?! Cos sometimes people say their spouse is their best friend, right? Shit. What have I done? What do I say?

“Gee, that’s tough.” Wince.

Brilliant, Jaimie, you are damn brilliant. Gee? Tough? Such a wordsmith! This lady has lost her BEST FRIEND and all you can say is gee, that’s tough?! Why not just slap her in the face?

“I’m really sorry your friend died.”

“Yeah,” she sighs, “I’ve had that cat for forever.”

****

You know, I get it. I mean, look, when Roxie Wonderdog dies I’m going to be a mess…. for a long time. I will. So just bring me groceries and booze and leave them on the porch cos I’m not going to answer the door and let you into the unwashed hovel the house will become during my very important pet grief. HOWTHEFUCKEVER, when Roxie Wonderdog goes to that Great Big Squirrel Hunting Farm in the Sky, I would not EVER tell a stranger, “My best friend died today.” No! that’s… that’s… you can’t…

I could say, “My dog died today. She was my total pal, BFF, companion, soul mate, bestie, walkin’-snuggle-cuddle buddy, best friend.” But see how I led with “my dog” so the person who I’m speaking to does not immediately infer that I am talking about a human being? BECAUSE THERE IS A SOCIAL CONTRACT, THAT IS WHY.

Trust me. I know. Our pets are much better beings than human. My dog is better than you, probably. But when you lead with, “My best friend died.” and there’s the possibility that the other person thinks your best friend is a person OR SPOUSE, and then you follow with, “It’s a cat, BTDubs.” Then my empathy has been lessened to a degree that I may not even feel that bad that your cat, who was probs a dick cos most cats are even though we love our cats dearly. (I will admit that there are a handful of amazing cats out there. And when those cats are in our lives we love them unconditionally, and when we talk about them we usually say things like, “No, but this cat is awesome. He’s more like a dog than a cat.” This is because most cats are dicks.)

In conclusion, when a pet dies, feel as sad as you need to feel, you do you. Call me, I’ll bring you a casserole and vodka, whatever you need.

BUT DON’T BE TRICKY ABOUT IT, LADY.

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Tags: grief, library, work stories

The Realism Challenge: Drawing and Painting Secrets from a Modern Master of Hyperrealism by Mark Crilley

Category: 50 Books

Hyperrealism is one of those tricky things with me. Ask me about it on a Tuesday and I might be all, “This is fascinating!” Ask me the next day and I might be all, “Is this just about technique? Is that what we’re celebrating?” But even though I’m often on the fence about it, I feel like deep down we are all suckers for a good tromp l’oeil.

Mark Crilley is a total pro when it comes to drawing. I don’t think anyone would deny that, from manga to hyperrealism the guy can do some amazing things with color pencils and water color. You’ve probably drooled over his YouTube videos; I have! So when he put out an instructional book about his realism drawings I thought hey, that’s awesome, let’s check it out.

The book is written in such an encouraging way that you believe anyone can do this, even you! Which might be true, but here’s the deal, there are absolutely zero shortcuts. If you think this book is going to teach you how to draw perfect versions of objects instantly, you’re going to get frustrated quickly. If you enjoy tedious details and have the patience of Job, then you should really look into this type of drawing.

Crilley is great at encouraging, and I love how he is so willing to share his creative ideas and skills. I think he also does a good job at explaining how one should layer color, and also why shadows are important.

The problem I had with the book is that since it’s teaching you to draw objects as realistically as possible and to scale, that basically it’s like, “Look at your object. Now draw it exactly how it looks.” So I really I feel like if you don’t already have an aptitude for drawing, this isn’t a great book to start with for that kind of thing. If you have some basic drawing skills under your belt, you could most definitely do the first four or so challenges.

Honestly, I would love to see a video series with Crilley in the style of Bob Ross.

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Tags: art, Mark Crilley, nonfiction

A New Hope

Category: dribblings

Books are returned every day at the library, and several times a day there’s something left in them: bookmarks, photos, tissues (please stop with the tissues, I know they’re clean? But just stop.) cards, lists, and one time drugs.

These note cards were left in a book in the book drop and they’ve filled my hollow ice heart with warmth and goo.

I blocked out the names to protect the actual innocent. Also, when did they start putting holes in index cards? At first I was all, “Holes. Good idea. So they can be snapped into a binder and not slide out. Genius. Where were holes when I needed holes?” But then I noticed the size and location of the hole and it pissed me off cos that hole is too big and right in the middle couldn’t they’ve used a corner or something? This is no good. I don’t want to write around a hole. Put the hole at the top or bottom. I cannot deal with this anymore. Thank God I didn’t have to deal with index card holes. Full circle.

Anyway, back to the hope: