1.09.07

Category: dribblings

conversation this morning:

“are you going to get anything back on your taxes?”

“i dunno. probably? i mean, if we file together, right?”

“what?”

“well i’ve had them take out for single, right? but now we’re married, right? so won’t we file jointly and then get money back?”

“i don’t know. where’s your form?”

“what are you talking about? what form? that thing that came in the mail?”

“…wow. anyway this one is state, where’s the federal one?”

“i don’t think it’s come yet, at least they haven’t come to the library yet.”

“so when you do your taxes-“

“i don’t do my taxes.”

“you don’t?”

“no, i can’t. it’s the one thing i can’t do.”

“the one thing? and don’t you just use the EZ form?”

“look, we can’t talk about this anymore, okay? i can’t talk about taxes.”

“then who does your taxes?”

“….my mommy.”

“what.”

“shut up! i can’t deal with taxes, okay?! i can’t follow the directions BECAUSE I DON’T UNDERSTAND THE WORDS! IT’S ALL IF YOU MADE LESS THAN BLAH BLAH PUT A ZERO OVER HERE AND BLAH BLAH BLAH! AND I COMPLETELY FALL APART.”

“oh, that’s right…”

“don’t-“

“you’re a girl.”

“stop it. i do not speak for women-“

“you don’t have a Y chromosome therefore-“

“watch it-“

“you can’t do math.”

“i can do math! i can do math!” i screech as i hit him.

“you have two X’s where as i have an X AND a Y…”

“F of X is Y! asshole!”

“no, F of your mother is why.”

and that was the funniest math joke ever and i lost it and laughed myself silly.

and i know that i’m a horrible representative of the female sex, and i do apologize to all my lady peers who are very good at math and who do not fall apart over taxes.
wait, i mean, i can do math. i mean, i can’t figure out acoustical formulas for sound waves or anything, but i can do the basics. my checkbook is fair and balanced! i can figure out sales tax and gratuity! FOIL method! FOIL method! LONG DAMN DIVSION!

but that income tax thing…it would be like watching a zombie stare at something for a long time. and then when you tried to help the zombie it turns into an 8 year old brat.
“jaimie, you’ve been looking at that form for hours.”

“uhhhhhng. braaaaains.”

“here, why don’t we start by putting your name-“

“I CAN’T DO IT! LEAVE ME ALONE! I HATE YOU!”

***

OSU lost. what a bunch of effin’ loosas.

the library gig is still cool. i’m not even bummed that i’ve got to work on saturday. dad came in yesterday and was being dad.
“hey, y’all teach any readin’ lessons?”
“hee, dad…”
“seriously though, where’s the Foxfire books?”
“erm….975FOX…you see the Oprah poster over there…it’s on the shelf to the left.”

so he comes back a minute later with a book. i check it out to him and ask, “so…you’re going to learn how to…dress a hog?”

“nope, kevin and i are going to make a whiskey still.”

“…i’m so glad you said that out loud in front of my new co-workers.”

“well, it’s kevin that wants to do it. but he’s doing the right thing; he’s asking the sheriff for permission first.”

“and he thinks he’ll get permission?”

“yeah. i think you’re allowed to make so many gallons for yourself. you can’t sell it.”

“maybe in 1963, dad.”

“no i really think you can make it if you have permission.”

” *sigh* only in alabama…and mountainous parts of kentucky i bet.”

meanwhile jan comes up (cos she knows dad) and says, “jaimie, is this man bothering you?”

so i say, “security! i need this man escorted out of the library! i’m sorry sir, but we don’t have those kinds of books here.”

we all laugh and dad goes into squidbilly mode, “aw sure! you brang ’em city boys on! i’ll whoop ’em. like ah ain’t been kicked outta library before?”

since we were joking the whole time he was in there i hope the other ladies thought the moonshine thing was a joke too.
it wasn’t, of course. we actually ARE the squidbillies.

**

the other day at work i was thinking about how finally, after all these years (since 7th grade. yes, i know, dream big, jaimie.) i get to work at the library. hot dog! but then i remembered that hey, didn’t i write a weekly about how i should never work at the library because i’ll become a dominatrix? um, yes. i guess it was 3 years ago i wrote about that very thing. (laura, that graphic kills me. you’re the bomb.)
things to note: i was writing about the GPL and i’m not sure any of the same people work there…in fact, it seems like every time i’m in there it’s teenagers working. so the whole “dry, crusty librarian” thing does not apply anymore. plus they rebuilt the GPL, and i’m certain they tiled over all the secret tunnels.
the dirty bastards.

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1.06.07

Category: dribblings

we played cards at mom&dad’s last night. i was SO CLOSE to winning and then KABLOOIE, i was stuck with 210 points in the last hand. jimmy won, the fink. perhaps you’ve read the S.T.F.U. weekly? then you know how cussworthy we all are while we play cards. name calling galore. the interesting thing is that we can call each other these HORRIBLE words and then as soon as the game is over we’re all back to being normal humans. last night i was dubbed the Walking, Talking, Fucking Piece of Shit by none other than flippy. like i said, i had been winning awesomely until the last hand blew me out of the water.

***

i had another psychotic series of dreams last night a la dad’s homemade vegetable pizza. it had broccolli on it. and celery. it was GREAT pizza. the dreams? not so great. in one part i couldn’t fly very well, and my dad, who was huey lewis, could fly very well. and he hated me for my inability to fly. i could only fly if there was some wind. so dad moved away to play his rock music and not be shamed by me.

so i had the house to myself. i have no idea where justin and mom were. THEN all my neighbors hated roxy and would constantly complain about her and try to take her away from me. they would say how mean and dangerous she was to the neighborhood kids. and i was all, “what are you talking about? she’s the sweetest dog ever.” and then the devil lived next door. and SHE was so mean to me. she was constantly raggin’ me about not being able to fly. and i kept telling her that she’s the devil and therefore everything out of her mouth was a lie and that i didn’t have to listen to her. mostly i’d try to avoid her. but she was ALWAYS around. she was very pretty and had long blonde hair but she was very like, 9 feet tall. huge. and such a bitch. at one point she was all, “if you can’t fly up to the top of that tree i’ll kill your dog and all the children in the neighborhood.” and i was all, “hey, that’s not fair, you rotten bitch. i’m not betting with you.” and she’s all, “it’s not a bet. if you don’t do it i’ll kill ’em.” so then i’m all, “why are you tormenting me?! i’ll kill you!” and so i started fighting with her but then we started making out and she had just eaten an egg salad sandwich and i kept getting pieces of egg in my mouth and i was all, “you are disgusting! i hate you!” and i was spitting out the bits of egg while trying to scratch her face off and i woke up spitting into my pillow.

i uh, i spit a lot in my sleep. well i mean, if i’m dreaming and i spit, then chances are i’m spitting into my pillow. i think it was two weeks ago i was telling Cookie about a dream i had where these people had given this little toddler some poisoned food at this crazy state fair. they had poisoned all the food at this one booth and anyway i had just eaten some of the food and was spitting it out and i woke up with a wet pillow.

i am foul and disgusting and i don’t recommend you borrow my pillow.

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1.05.07

Category: dribblings

two things.
first, on wednesday morning as i was chomping down my Grape Nuts i looked down to see bugs in my spoon. four bugs. one of which was moving. the others were not. upon further inspection of the bowl…yes, more bugs. some moving some not. when i checked the rest of the bag of cereal? bugs.

then i proceeded to check the other boxes of cereal. turns out, if given a choice of Grape Nuts or Cocoa Pebbles bugs will choose Grape Nuts.

i didn’t hurl or anything. surprisingly i didn’t even start gagging, and i’ve got a hair-trigger gag reflex. i gag when i brush my teeth every day. but my stomach was a bit queasy all morning. by lunchtime i was back to eating food.

second, i was at the grocery store with my baby daughter and for SOME reason i did not bring the punkin seat so i was having to carry her in my arms and try to push the cart…as rednecks do sometimes. and i was trying to figure out what i needed to buy and then i passed the baby food aisle and was all, “now what kind of formula do i use?” when i remembered that HOLY SHIT I’VE NEVER FED MY BABY! HOW OLD IS THIS BABY?! HOW COME I’VE NEVER FED HER AND HOW IS IT POSSIBLE THAT SHE LOOKS SO HEALTHY WHEN SHE’S NEVER EATEN ANY FOOD? MY GOD I’M THE WORST MOTHER EVER AND THE GOVERNMENT IS GOING TO TAKE AWAY MY BABY! AND THEY SHOULD! OH GOD PLEASE DON’T LET MY BABY DIE BEFORE I CAN FEED HER!

and i awoke in a panic filled with self-hatred for being such a terrible mother. and even after settling down and realizing that
a. i don’t have a baby and
b. i’m not even pregnant
i was still upset about the dream. apparently spaghetti o’s and beer are not the winning combination that they seemed to be before i went to bed. either that or God is warning me that if i have kids i’m going to jail. and you know what? no one brings the deadbeat mom cookies in jail.

***

Crazy Margaret just came by to tell me that my dog has been biting her butt all day and that it had something on it that looked like a black widow web. “you know, how they get on you when you sleep?”
i don’t know how in hell she could’ve seen that on my dog when she admits that roxy wouldn’t even come to the fence and wouldn’t even come within 10 feet of the fence. but there you go, trying to reason with crazy again. you fool.

***

welcome to the weekend shaggy dog!

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1.03.07

Category: dribblings

Marian the Librarian- Day Two: The Quickening
the scanner wasn’t so finicky today so i didn’t seem like quite a drooly moron. just a regular moron. i answered the phone twice, and both times i was able to actually help the person on the other line. erm, but one of the questions was, “where’s the rainbow city post office?”
“…rainbow city doesn’t have a- oh wait, it’s inside Food World.” so yeah, working at the library is kinda like being a hero.
“help! i’m stranded in this gigantic new city and i can’t find the post office! where do i go?!”
“relax ma’am. calm down, you’re going to be okay. just go to the Food World. no, no, don’t thank me, i’m just doing my job.”

also, i’m “in charge” of the adult nonfiction books. this sounds cool as hell*, but what it really means is that when it gets slow at work i have to go through my section and make sure the books are in order. it took me an hour and a half to go through .001 to 371WAL. and while that’s a pantload of books…it’s not even half the section. and there were many books out of place which i did not expect…now the kid’s section on the other hand, it’s a damn nightmare, and i’m glad i’m not in charge of that lot. i panic just putting the kid’s books back on the shelves because their order is so screwed up and DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MANY RICHARD SCARRY AND BEVERLY CLEARY BOOKS I PUT UP TODAY? JIMINY CRICKETS, HOW MANY DAMN RAMONA BOOKS ARE THERE?!
(i love beverly cleary, don’t you?) AND DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY BERENSTAIN BEARS BOOKS EXIST? WELL WHEN I WAS A KID THERE WERE ONLY ABOUT 40 MILLION. THEY’VE WRITTEN A FEW MORE SINCE THEN. AND THE MOM IS STILL WEARING THAT BLUE HAT AND DUMPY DRESS. C’MON FOLKS, CAN’T WE GET THE MAMA A NEW DRESS?

*but what is cool as hell is i’ve got a key to the library! i must be livin’ right!

two series of books that i had never heard of until yesterday was the Franklin the Turtle and the Junie B. Jones series. i’m so bad though, that when i’m putting those books away i make up new titles. new, horrible titles.
Franklin Goes to War
Franklin and the Angry Hooker
Franklin Has Gas

the Junie B. books are even worse because they have longer titles. so they’re even more fun.
Junie B. Jones Finds a Corpse at the Dump!
Junie B. Jones is Getting on My Last Damn Nerve
Junie B. Jones First Grader: Dealin’ That China White

anyblah, the kid’s books intimidate me…for now. i’m sure they’ll be old hat by tomorrow. oh and hey, did you know that the library has music CDs you can check out?! i mean, they’ve got some okay stuff back there. lenny kravitz. there was another one a girl brought back today….what was it…something like alicia keys or something. it’s not all classical music is what i’m saying. oh and DVDs. you can check out DVDs. like movies and shit. so not only can we tell you where the post office is, we can let you have Disney’s Cars for a week.
FREE, bitches.

ain’t the library cool?

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1.02.07 New Job Tuesday

Category: dribblings

i started a new job today. a part-time job at the rbc library. so far it’s kinda like working at the HCH only with books. lot of oldsters go to the ‘brary. and they’re just as oddly demanding as they are at the HCH…or anywhere really.

the job is pretty easy so far. the hardest part has been working the laser scanner. i know. but somehow i manage to suck at scanning a damn upc symbol….you know, a skill a half dead retardo montalban monkey could learn? yeah, well apparently my superior brainwaves interfere with the laser. or maybe i’m just a huge goober what can’t work a damn piece of light.

i even had to take time to practice scanning books. i had to practice. i had to practice holding a scanner up to a book. there’s not even a damn trigger to it. it’s always on. it’s always scanning. you just have to point it at the damn book. i managed to laugh it off all, “heh heh, this job sure is hard. ha.” and then the book would scan and the other library workers would be all, “yeah. you gotta hold your mouth just right.”
honestly. and the other workers are really nice and sweet and all, “you’ll get the hang of it.” and i want to respond all, “get the hang of it?! figuring out the computer commands is something i’ll “get the hang of”! remembering to check the A/V returns is something i’ll “get the hang of”! but pointing a light stick at a bunch of lines and making it ‘BOOP’…that’s something i should be able to do while i talk on my cell phone, eat a sandwich and CHANGE OUT A CD WHILE I DRIVE MY CAR.  

not that i’m recommending you do those things while driving. i’m just saying.
scanner. upc symbol. the bane of my day.
and honestly, if that’s the WORST part of my day? i’ve had a complete great day. it was a great day cos i didn’t open any doors with blood oozing out and no one broke any bones.

***

my bowling scores: 95, 87. after a year of bowling i still suck hard. i’m slightly better at scanning books really.

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2006 50 Books II

Category: 50 Books

 

Once again, i failed to read 50 books this year. in fact, i read less books this year than i did last year. i blame this on the knitting. i’m hoping 2007 will finally be the Year of the Fiddy. It should, seeing as how i’ve got a job at the library.

38. Horsemen of the Esophagus by Jason Fagone
Obviously I checked this one out because of the title.
This is a nonfiction book about competitive eating and the people who participate. I’ve honestly never given a thought about eating competitions (other than something like, “why is this on the news?”), and I’ve REALLY never thought of it as a sport. After reading this book I’m still “meh” on calling it a sport, but i now see the completely human side of the whole thing.

The author follows around a few of the more popular eaters to see how they live. Not surprisingly, they’re all very normal people. What was surprising to me was how serious they take it. Some of them are so serious about competing that they ignore serious health problems…just to defend their title.

The book was more emotional than I thought it would be because the author does a supreme job of making the eaters very human and very relatable…even though I’ve never wanted to eat more than 3 hot dogs at a sitting. Most of the American eaters are regular blue collar workers who just want a little bit of fame. Which is what they get….a sound bite on local news casts. It’s good that most of them have great senses of humor. Oddly, it’s the foreign eaters that are treated like gods in their countries. Anyway it’s a wacky bit of culture that I don’t get, but the book was really good and easy to get into.

37. They Tore Out My Heart and Stomped That Sucker Flat by Lewis Grizzard
This is a very old Lewis Grizzard book (I think it’s from ’82 or ’84) and I didn’t really enjoy it. It was laying on a table at work and between deposits I would read it and wonder how on earth he was such a famous writer. Famous might be an exaggeration, but everyone I know has heard of him so, there you go. I don’t remember reading any of his newspaper columns so maybe those were better, but this book sucked like a bucket of ticks. He’s not very likable, I think that’s why I didn’t enjoy it. The book itself is about him having to have heart surgery and him being a pain in the ass about having to have heart surgery. The only good thing about this book is that it’s short.

Perhaps his other books are good? Maybe I’ll give another one a shot.

36. Foxfire 9 edited by Eliot Wiggington
The Foxfire books are, of course, nonfiction. These books are written by high school students in north Georgia. All of the articles are about how the Appalachian people lived in the “old” days. The oldsters they interview are amazing people.

The ninth book talks about general stores, doctors, remedies, ghost stories and several arts and crafts things. It was a very enjoyable read that just kind of sucks you into it’s charm. Several of the “scary” true stories were about panthers and how they killed people and babies. The people call them panthers or painters, but i’m not sure what they’re talking about ‘cos i thought that panthers weren’t, y’know, indigenous to the US, so I’m thinking that they’re talking about pumas (aka mountain lion, cougar). anyway, after reading those tales i was shocked really, because I’ve never thought about what a huge deal it must’ve been to live right there where mountain lions were such a threat to people’s lives. I also didn’t know that the panther makes weird sounds (meows? growls?) that sound like a child or baby screaming.

There was also several stories about mad dogs and cats. I remember in school learning about rabid dogs and that you should never pet a strange dog or a dog that was acting weird and stumbling. And then they would say that if you were bitten by a rabid dog you’d have to have 80 shots in your stomach. Or something like that. But way back when, they didn’t have shots. If you got bit by a mad dog, you’d go mad, and then you died. Of course, today, if you don’t get treated in time, you go mad and then you die. Hey, check out this chart. So anyway, vaccinate your pets, yo.

I’ve said it before, but you know me, I say the same things over and over: everyone should read a Foxfire book. Just one. They are fascinating and charming and they really make you appreaciate things like medicine, central heat and air, cars, shoes, etc. This book gets 0 Jose Cansecos ‘cos it was so damn enjoyable.

35. Ghosts of Albion: Accursed by Amber Benson and Christopher Golden
Back to fiction. This was a flash series and now they’ve made some books. This was a good novel but I didn’t really enjoy it. The characters are pretty good, except William, I didn’t like his character, too milktoast. It’s a continuing story of a brother and sister who become the Protectors of Albion (England) when their grandfather dies. They’re kinda thrown into the whole thing and have to learn magic and talk to ghosts and save the world.

I liked the whole part about how the ghosts of famous people helped the duo. But I don’t really enjoy the Victorian Age very much, and I think that was the major turn off for me. The writing was good, the story was interesting, but I just don’t like reading about manners and protocol. I would read another one if it took place in another time.


34. The Ice Man: Confessions of a Mafia Contract Killer by Philip Carlo
This is a really great read that sucks you in, and you can’t put it down, and you feel really weird about not wanting to put it down, and you feel ashamed for being so interested in this serial killer.

What’s interesting about the killer is that he killed more than 200 people and HIS WIFE AND TWO KIDS HAD NO IDEA HE WAS A MURDERER!
i know!

The killer’s name is Richard Kuklinski, and he grew up in New Jersey. He had a shitty childhood and he grew up and killed tons of people. He didn’t just do mafia hits, he also killed people who pissed him off. Sometimes he’d even kill homeless people. He claims to have been in on the Jimmy Hoffa murder.

It was a good book. The only thing that bothered me was twice the author used the phrase “no shit, Sherlock.” Which was really unnecessary and also kinda immature. I mean, he says this when he tells about Kuklinski in prison and the prison psychiatrist says that Kuklinski is psychotic….and the author then writes, “no shit, Sherlock.” Which, ha, yeah, some dude kills a bunch of people in horrible ways it doesn’t take a genius…but also? The guy’s in prison and he has to undergo a psych test…and the test has to have a conclusion made by a doc…and the doc was just saying what the test concluded…no need to make the doc look like an idiot for doing his job, douchebag. No need to be a dick, Mr. Carlo.

Anyway, interesting read.

33. The Black Dahlia Avenger by Steve Hodel
This is a true crime nonfiction book. And as those kinds of books go, it’s really easy to get into. It’s never boring. And it’s descriptions of old Hollywood and LA are really neat to read.

Basically the story is this: Steve Hodel goes through his dead dad’s things and finds pictures that his dad took of Elizabeth Short, the Black Dahlia. He finds this curious and so he investigates further (he’s a retired LA policeman and now works as a PI) and he finds what he believes to be oodles and oodles of evidence that his dad not only killed Ms. Short, but several other woman in LA in the 1940’s.

So like I say, an interesting read. However, I gotta say that I wasn’t really convinced. Oh sure, his father, Dr. George Hodel, was an egomaniac, womanizer, pedophile and all around major fucking asshole, but all the evidence that pins the Dahlia murder on him is circumstantial (i guess it’s circumstantial…if there’s a word that would be one level lower than that it would be more accurate.) and since it happed more than 50 years ago…I’m sorry, but I’m gonna need actual proof before I believe Dr. Hodel killed her.

But who knows, maybe he was the serial killer. It’s possible. The parts I really enjoyed were the gossipy Hollywood parts. It seems Dr. Hodel knew lots of famous people like John Huston and Man Ray and they would have these crazy drug and sex parties. Like, all the time.

If you like true crime you’ll probably enjoy this book. I enjoyed the book.

32. At Risk by Patricia Cornwell
What is this? Something new?

This is a new novel by Ms. Cornhole. It’s not part of the Scarpetta series nor is it part of the awesomely funny Andy Brazil series. It’s something new, in a new town and with all new characters.

Unfortunately it’s not that great. It’s not even good, really. And that’s a damn shame because I’ll admit Ms. Cornwell is a fantastic writer and this book is total blah. Honestly, it’s like they published the first draft or something. The flow of the book was choppy and confusing, and some sentences just didn’t even make sense. I would read them over and over and think, “Am I going nuts? Why am I not getting this?”

And true, most of the characters are not that likeable (kinda like in the Scarpetta series, hm? WHY? WHY DO YOU MAKE THEM SO SHITTY?!) and you find it hard to even care what’s going to happen to them (shallow, shallow, shallow!) and I can’t stand that, HOWEVER, even when she writes those shitty characters it’s still written well.

But not this time.

In fact, I doubt she even wrote it. I think someone else wrote it like a parody of her work or something. Only not a good parody, just a bad detective book about emotional cripples who work with law enforcement. And it mentions a Hummer and a helicopter, which are musts in a P. Cornwell novel. The only good this about this book is that it’s short.

31. The Patient Nurse by Diana Palmer
This book…
I can’t bring myself to say anything good about this book. I’ll just go ahead and tell ya, it’s a romance book. And perhaps that’s why it sucked like a bucket of leeches. But honestly, just cos a book is slapped with the romance genre doesn’t mean it has to suck so hard it gives my brain a hickey.

The only reason I read this book is cos this old lady at work said, “This is the best book I’ve ever read.”
“Really?” I asked, “This book, right here, is the BEST book you’ve EVER read?”
“Mmhmm,” she nodded.
Now, she’s 900 years old right? So I figure that she’s probably read…let’s say, half the books ever written so it’s pretty good odds that the book is going to be a pretty good book. Right?

Of course not, I mean, look at the cover and read the premise. It sounds ridiculous. But, it was short and had very large print and I figured it was worth an evening of my time to read it and pad the numbers.

The Wacky Premise:
The dude is a heart surgeon. He’s Latino. So his name was…something like Rico or Mario or something. He was very handsome. But also, he was sad because his snobby, evil, gorgeous wife died two years ago of pneumonia. He loved her so much because she was beautiful and perfect. Except she was a total shallow bitch.

The girl is an orphan who grew up living with the bitch wife. They were cousins. She is meek and nice. The bitch wife and the Doctor have always made fun of the orphan girl. Her name is something like…Nancy? She is a nurse.

The problem is when the bitch wife gets sick, the doctor has to go to Paris for some kind of doctor meeting and she wants to go. But the doc says no she can’t go because she’s sick. He asks Nancy to watch the bitch wife while he’s away, since she’s a nurse and all.

Well, the bitch wife with pneumonia gets so mad she sits out in the rain to “show him”. That is so fucking stupid. Anyway, she gets way sick and starts to die and needs to go to the hospital. BUT! Oh Mah Gah! It turns out that Nancy is also very sick! She has a weak heart! And while rushing to the phone to call for the ambulance she has a heart attack and nearly dies!

The bitch wife does die.

Everyone, the doctor and the bitch wife’s family who took Nancy in as a kid, hates her now because they blame her for the bitch wife’s death. And she never tells them about her having a heart attack while trying to save the bitch.

So present day. The doc and the nurse don’t get along and try to avoid each other at work. Nancy needs to have some kind of heart proceedure done but she can’t afford to not work because she is a poor nurse. She gets sicker and sicker but still works everyday because…poor. And, she finds a kitten and takes it in even though she can’t afford cat food and she’s not allowed to have pets. So noble, that Nancy.

Blah blah blah she has a heart attack on a bus and ends up in the ER and the doc does the surgery (not knowing, of course, that it’s her he’s doing the surgery on, because you’re not supposed to perform surgery on people you know or whatever.) and he’s mad at her for not having the surgery done before because obviously she knew she had a problem and why not come to him since he’s THE BEST HEART SURGEON IN THE WORLD. Cos sure, of course she’d go to the guy who hates her guts. God, this story is so stupid.

Anyway, they still hate each other. But! Oh hell! She has to go live with him in his apartment while she recuperates. What? I know. Eventually the doc finds out what really happened with his bitch wife and he falls in love with Nancy. And Nance, being the complete milktoast that she is, loves him back. I mean, let’s see, she falls for the guy who hated her for years and who ALWAYS made fun of her. Perfect.

This was the BEST book you’ve EVER read?


 

 

30. California Demonby Julie Kenner
This is the sequel to Carpe Demon which was part of last year’s fiddy. This book was just as good as the first one, however, I must pick on one thing because it’s one of those things that COULD SO EASILY BE CORRECTED BEFORE PUBLISHING THAT IT DRIVES ME CRAZY.

It’s redundancy…I hate it.

How many times do you think it should take to get the point across that the heroine, Kate, loves her family and wants to protect her family from the demons that she has to hunt? Hmm? How many times do we need the character to get mad and say something like, “Demons? At my daughter’s school? NOT ON MY WATCH. THEY BETTER STAY AWAY FROM MY FAMILY. I LOVE MY FAMILY. I’LL DO ANYTHING TO PROTECT THEM. EVEN IF I HAVE TO LIE TO THEM. BLAH BLAH BLAH.”

She says this like, three or four times…IN EACH FUCKING CHAPTER. Does no one proof read for things like that? Or am I an idiot and books are supposed to go throught the Department of the Redundancy Department? Hm? Just me? My own pet peeve? I’m the only one going insane from having to read the same sentence over and over throughout the book?
Okay.

Other than that one little thing, the book was very enjoyable. The way Kate has to juggle her family life around killing demons and keeping it all a secret is hilarious. And the way she deals with missing her first husband (who was murdered) and how she loves her second husband is a really interesting, um…thing? Sorry, I can’t think of a word.

Okay, but the best part (hee, not really “best” but, hee!) is her picture in the back of the cover. Holy Shit. That CAN’T be real. I think, or rather, what I’d like to think is that it’s a joke, like an inside joke between her and her friends…they were all sitting around (as friends do) talking about her book about to be published (as they do) and there was some drinks (as there is) and one of her dear friends said, “OH MY GAH! Do  you KNOW what would be SO FUNNY?!”
“No. What’s that?”
“You should TOTALLY have one of those publicity photos taken and put on the back cover! But only, make the picture REALLY CRAZY DUMB!”
“Okay!”

Anyway, you should read this book. Well, read the first book then read this book.

29. A Boy of Good Breeding by Miriam Toews
Last year I read her other book A Complicated Kindness, and I loved it to pieces. In fact, it was so good I gave it 0 Jose Cansecos. This book is just as great, but I found one of the main characters, Hosea, so annoying that I hated it when I would get to one of his parts of the book. He wasn’t a bad character, just a little crazy. And I kept thinking, “yes, he’s crazy, we get it, now let’s get back to the better characters.”

There’s basically two storylines, the one with Hosea, the mayor of the smallest town in Canada, and Knute a young mother who moves back to the small town with her daughter. Since this is Canada’s smallest town there are of course hilarious small town characters: Combine Jo, the town drunk who gets smashed and rides her combine over her dead husband’s grave. Mr. Dranger, the asthmatic fireman. and there’s also Bill Quinn…a stray dog.

So the novel is a slice of rural Canadian life. Which, believe it or not, is a lot like a small town in the south. I guess small towns everywhere are probably a lot alike. But it was a bit of a shock to me to think that way because it’s Cananda. It’s a different country. I, being the Stupid American Pig Dog, would’ve assumed a small rural Canadian town to be all frozen and Eskimo-y. So imagine my surprise when I’m reading this fantastic book and laughing at all the crazy goings on and thinking, “wow, what a bunch of rednecks!”

See how we learn when we read? It’s like my tiny world just gets bigger and bigger.

Definitely read this book, and also read A Complicated Kindness if you haven’t already.

I give this one Canseco because Hosea was so weird.

28. To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee
This novel took me two weeks to read. I don’t know why. This was a great book as you probably know because you probably had to read this when you were in school. I didn’t. I’ve no idea how I escaped reading this book in school as I remember that other reading classes had to read it.

It’s a “delight” to read because it’s told from the perspective of the little girl, Scout, and it’s funny to read what she thinks. That was the main thing (to me) that made the book so enjoyable. The racial part of the book was weird to me. Not that I don’t get it, sure, I got it, the kids were the least racist and they didn’t understand why “folks” can’t just be treated like…folks. And of course adults complicate things and bladdy bladdy bladdy.

But it seemed to me that the black people in the book weren’t trying to change anything either. it was like, thank God for the white folks to save the black folks so…that was the part that i didn’t get. But maybe that’s cos i’m mean and cynical.

Maybe that’s not what Ms. Lee was going for right? but there’s a piece of the book that’s like that. But the story is really enjoyable. The ending is abrupt.

 

27. Wicked: The Life and Times of the Wicked Witch of the West by Gregory Maguire
My friend Lenola let me borrow this book 2 years ago. I’m a total shitheel for not reading it before now.

I’d reccommend this book to everyone. This novel was fantastic! If you’re a lover of anything Wizard of Oz (as i am, beit books, movies whathaveyou) then you will NOT be disappointed at all. Mr. Maguire stays true to the characters and to OZ.

The best part of this book (to me, of course) is all the sex and fart jokes. Lots of bawdy humor. Hee, I said bawdy.

The worst part of the book is the very beginning where it talks about Elphaba’s (the Witch of the West) parents. It’s really slow and draggy and it doesn’t need to be. But as soon as Elphaba gets to college it picks up, and I hated to put the book down.

It’s a really smart book and it touches on MANY surprising themes. I say surprising because it’s not just about the witch being a bad witch. It’s about women, animal rights, religion, politics, sexuality, and individuality. It’s incredible how the book touches on all these things…some in great depth while still being an easy to read enjoyable novel.

It gets one Canseco because really, it’s just fan fiction.
Hee.

 

26. Velocity by Dean Koontz
My friend Debbie is keeping me busy with Koontz books.

This book was quite the page turner. That was understatement.

HOLY SHIT. While reading this book I kept thinking, “Wow, I’ve never had a bad day in my life.” The poor guy in this book, Billy, has one of the worst weeks ever. It all starts when he finds a note on his car saying something like, “If you go to the police I’ll kill an old lady. If you don’t I’ll kill a young school teacher.” Thinking it’s a sick joke he doesn’t go to the cops. Next day? Dead school teacher.

So you’d think that okay, now go to the cops. But the bad guy, he keeps planting evidence that will lead to Billy on all the murders. In fact, while Billy’s at work one day the bad guy kidnaps a lady and kills her in Billy’s house. BAD DAY. And he can’t go to the cops. OH MY GOSH WHAT WOULD YOU DO IN A SITUATION LIKE THAT?!

I had a stomach ache the whole time I read this book. Surprisingly, the book has a happyish ending. I didn’t think that would be possible.

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12.30.06

Category: dribblings

okay. so once again i have fallen short of the 50 book mark.
hee. book mark.
but i did manage to wrangle 38 books under my belt. which isn’t bad at all, but it is less than my tally from last year. so that’s a little disappointing. i’m totally blaming the knitting bug that bit me back in october. because i haven’t read a single book since learning how to knit.

anyblah, by my “calculations” (read: art math) i read 3.8 books a month, which means if i’d kept reading i’d have ended up reading exactly as many books as i read last year…which was not 50. you lose some; you lose some.

i’m hoping that 2007 is the year i FINALLY read 50 books.

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12.29.06

Category: dribblings

i went to the hospital to visit june but she’s in CCU and i did not know that. so i didn’t get to see her. today they put two stents in her chest. i’m not sure why. if i had to guess it would be cos she’s on so much blood thinner that they can’t do surgery. maybe?

that’s my deductive reasoning skillz. i’m like damn jupiter jones over here. please tell me at least one of you nerds read the alfred hitchcock presents: the three investigators book series? oh, like it was just me? riiiight.

dude, in third grade i read like, all those books, yo. i read them many times over. they had the SWEETEST hideout.

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12.29.06

Category: dribblings

wtf friday

i had a dream last night where i was at the vineyard church. only i didn’t want to be there. i was getting more and more nervous about being there (even though there wasn’t anything going on. no church was really happening.) that i kept eating these cookies that were on the table. and every time someone would come up to me to say something i’d shove another cookie in my mouth and start talking with the cookie bits all gross and falling out of my mouth.

there was another part of the dream where my friends and i were bussed to these softball fields (with cabins!). laura was in one of the cabins and there were a ton of children’s books and stuff and she kept telling me to take home the closet next to hers. i kept asking how i was supposed to take home a closet. she said, “well that one’s external. you can take that one.” and i was all, “it’s only going to be two walls then! how will i take it without all the stuff falling out?!” we continued to fight about it. then the lesbian softball coach finally showed up and none of us wanted to play ANY kind of sports. the busses never came back to get us but luckily liz was kinda….cinderella (seendereeya!) and she had a pumpkin stage coach and that’s how we got home.

when i woke up my mouth tasted like cookies.

***

work went fine yesterday. but the old lady had blabbed her non-real side of the story to EVERYONE and some of the oldsters gave me dirty looks, but no one said anything to me about it. the old lady did yell at dad in the lobby in front of everyone that he and i never told her to call 911 and that he and i lied about it and that we had been planning it for 2 weeks. she says she’s going to take it before the board and that we’ll get it and that it’s not over.

hell hath no fury…

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12.27.06

Category: dribblings

trauma wednesday

i’ve mentioned the old lady kelly and i take to dialysis three times a week? yes. well, when i got back from lunch yesterday the lady working the front desk said that june had fallen and the medics took her to the hospital. this was a strange thing to tell me seeing as how 30 minutes later the same lady said, as i was walking by, “some man called and said that june’s door is locked and she’s in there screaming.”

“june? but i thought she went to the hospital?”

“no. she wouldn’t go when the medics came.”

the communication breakdown (i.e. the old lady at the desk is losing her mind, which is sad, but in situations such as these it becomes annoying and actually, dangerous. you’ll see why in a moment.) continued to breakdown further as i ran to get dad or the boss lady to go up with me to check on june. i’m no fool and i know my limitations and there is power in numbers. so dad and i tell the lady to call 911 (because we’re not allowed to pick up anyone who has fallen. it’s the rule, and it’s a good rule seeing as how we have no medical learning. we’re just the maintenance man and the painter, right?

so we get up there and yes, poor june is screaming. i unlock the door and open it six inches and….she’s fallen in front of the door. and? there is a puddle of blood that goes squlsh when i open the door. and when i say puddle, what i mean is, the MOST AMOUNT OF BLOOD I’VE EVER SEEN IN MY ENTIRE LIFE. i turn to look at dad and he’s backing away from the door and turning white. not green, not ashen, white. as white as my refrigerator.

dad goes to get the boss lady to tell her that it’s an actual horrible emergency, and i stay to calmly talk to june before the medics get there. the good thing is the medics are stationed only 4 blocks away from HCH. so usually when we call 911 we hear the reassuring sound of sirens right away. in the back of my mind while i’m talking to june and saying things like, “yes honey, i can see that your bleeding, but baby i can’t open the door. we’ve got to wait for the medics to get here to figure out how to get to you.” i’m thinking where’s the siren? shouldn’t i be hearing a siren by now? wow that’s dark blood. she’s probably been in the floor for a while. christ, where is the siren!?

june kept begging me to open the door and get her. it was horrible. i kept trying to explain that if i forced the door open it would hurt her even more. i can’t actually see june, but every time i push a bit on the door she hollers a bit more and the coagulating blood squlshs even more. i didn’t get too queasy until i saw some white bits of something floating in the blood. i’m sure it was just something normal like crumbs or something, but i couldn’t help thinking of bones and teeth. i also couldn’t help thinking about the fact that i couldn’t hear any sirens.

soon after that the boss lady showed up and gasped at the giant amount of blood. she took over the talking calmly to june part as i had run out of sane things to say. (at one point june was demanding that i come in and get her glasses. “june, baby i can’t get your glasses. i can’t open the door anymore. just leave your glasses.”
“no jaimie, i’m going to hand you my glasses.”
“june, just forget the glasses right now okay? they’ll be fine.”
“by god you’re going to come in and get my glasses right now .”)

so yeah the boss comes up and she immediately goes into Amazingly Calm Mode. she got a roll of paper towels from a neighbor and begins to try to clean up the giant blood bath that is oozing out of the door. it’s only then that i notice the sound of sirens and i back away knowing they’re going to come off the elevator soon and save the day.

so the medics get there and they have to open the door a little more before the one guy can squeeze through the door. she screamed some more. it was bad. i couldn’t look in the door (and didn’t want to) but i watched the medics’ faces when the door opened fully. the horrified looks on their faces seemed to say, “holy shit balls.” they worked on her for awhile and then the ambulance showed up. the two ambulance workers came off the elevator with a gurney. the lady in the back of the gurney asked the one in the front, “is she hurt?” and the lady at the front looked in the door and quickly back out and said, “oh yeah, she’s hurt.”

about 8 minutes later she was on the way to the hospital.

after the big blood clean-up dad said that when he went down to get the boss he asked the lady at the front desk if she’d called 911. she said, “no, was i supposed to?” so dad grabbed the phone and called 911. if dad hadn’t gotten queasy and left to get the boss, if he’d stayed up there with me waiting on the medics? june would’ve damned died right there. so the boss had an extra bad day cos not only did she clean up most of the blood (one of the medics also cleaned up a lot of blood) she then had to fire the lady at the desk because well, obviously. this wasn’t the first incident where her old lady scatterbrainness screwed up something important (last week the fire marshall came in because of an alarm and she was on the phone (talking to her daughter about how her phone was cut off) and the marshall was all, “excuse me?” and she was all, “i’m on the phone long distance!” so the boss lady got reprimanded by the fire marshall for the lady’s idiota mistake.)

so this time she had to be fired because we can’t risk anything like that happening again.

i went home and had a whiskey drink i had a cider drink i had a vodka drink i had a lager drink.

june is in the hospital with a broken hip. sadly, we’re kind of wondering if she’ll make it. sadder still, if she makes it, she’ll have to live in a nursing home because the HCH provides no assistance at all. to live here you HAVE to be independent. we’re a regular apartment building…just low income housing for the elderly. so what’s worse? if she makes it? or not? i know she’s not having any fun, and she hasn’t been since she got out of rehab last week. she told me last week on the way home from dialysis if she goes back to the hospital she’ll die. my awesome response to that? “well, okay.”
her response? “i won’t live to see Easter this year.”
my response? “you’re in a good mood this morning.”
“it’s true,” she said.
“then it’s a good thing you’re having ham for Christmas.”

at least that got her talking about ham and not her immanent death.

working with the elderly really sucks eggs sometimes.

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