1.31.07
Category: dribblings
and because i’m a Scoldy Scolderson i now have to take Toonces Whorecat to the vet. Not for rat poisoning though. because i don’t keep rat poison in the house.
when i got home from work this afternoon i came home to a houseful of cat puke. apparently there had been an exorcism while i was out. i cleaned up the many piles and then the cat started hurling all over again. she can’t even keep water down. so first thing in the morning i’ll have her at the vet’s office. she’s giving me hell at the moment cos she wants food, but forget it sister, i’m tired of cleaning up your puke. i’ve cleaned up 23 pukes and i’m out of paper towels.
i’ve been holding her and petting her a lot this afternoon/evening and it’s weird because she seems to have more energy today than in all the past 14 days combined. (you’ll recall that two weeks ago i had to take her to the vet for blood in the urine) and all she’s done the past two weeks is sleep for 23 hours a day and the other hour is her eating/shitting/re-nesting hour. and honestly, there hasn’t been that many poops in the litter box. and she’s been eating like a hoss. and she’s lost a lot of weight. she looks scrawny. and i can feel her bones when i pet her.
what is wrong with my keekat?
i’m terrified that it’s going to be something horrible like diabetes or kidney failure or other such ailment. and i can’t justify spending money on insulin or other medicines that will prolong her life but will confuse her and make her hate me (i can’t see her being all, “hey! come and prick me twice a day to check my blood sugar and then hold me down and give me a shot! i totally understand why you do it and i love you for it!”
no. the cat will hate us. she’ll live the rest of her days hating me and terrified that every time i touch her i’m gonna give her a shot.
another fear i have is that she has rabies. it’s a dumb fear. i know that. but still, i can see the vet saying, “mrs. jones, your cat has rabies.” and then after i come to and tell the vet that she hasn’t been out of the house for two years how could she possibly have rabies. and then the vet says, “it can lay dormant for years. in fact, you probably have rabies too.” and somehow i’ll wake up from the nightmare with a wet pillow…because i’ve spit all over it.
BECAUSE I HAVE RABIES.
or maybe the cat just has a virus or something. i mean, i guess they can just get sick, right? although, i’ve NEVER heard of anyone who had a cat that got a stomach virus.
this is dumb. i’m going to bed and when i get up i’ll take the kitty to the vet and we’ll see what he says.
Leave a Comment | PermalinkTags: toonces
1.30.07
Category: dribblings
Dear Internet,
I can’t stress this enough, okay? So listen up. If your pet (dog OR cat OR whatever) gets into rat/mouse poison? Here’s what you do:
TAKE IT TO THE VET, YOU IDIOT. DO NOT PASS GO, DO NOT COLLECT $200, AND DO NOT WASTE TIME LOOKING UP HALF-ASSED “REMEDIES” ON THE INTERNET.
A pet is your responsibility. And I know you don’t want to shell out real money on something so dumb as a dumbass animal that ate poison. But the thing is, animals are really dumb and they don’t know any better, just like little kids. And if a kid ate rat poison you wouldn’t stop to search online for dumbass remedies would you? (my father excluded) No. You wouldn’t.
SO TAKE YOUR PETS TO THE VET, YOU FREAKS. AND WHILE YOU’RE THERE GET THEM SPAYED AND NEUTERED. IF YOU’RE NOT AN ANIMAL BREEDER YOUR PET SHOULD NOT HAVE BALLS.
‘s all I’m sayin’.
Love,
Auntie Jaimie
***
my friend suzie and i were joking back and forth about the titles of kid’s books and we particularly made fun of Franklin and Junie B. Jones. and so to give her (and perhaps you) a chuckle, here’s some more titles:
Junie B. Jones Vs. Godzilla
Junie B. Jones’ First Morrissey Album: Nobody Understands How She Feels
Junie B. Jones Sees Dead People…All the Time
Junie B. Jones Fights to Take Prayer Out of Schools
Junie B. Jones and the Planned Parenthood Clinic
Alfred Hitchcock Presents: Junie B. Jones and the Birds
Junie B. Jones and the Pageant: Bulemia Edition
Franklin Gets a Telegram From the War Department
Franklin and the Busted Rubber
Franklin Jacks a Car
Franklin 2: Electric Boogaloo
Franklin Shrugged
Franklin Gets VD
Baby-sitter’s Club: Jessi and the Secret Gambling Addiction
BSC: Stacey Goes to the ER
BSC: Mary Anne and the Asinine Middle School Plot
BSC: Dawn Gets SOOOOOOO Wasted
BSC: Abby is a Jew
BSC: The Crazy Lesbian Experiment
BSC: They Baby-sit Some Kids …or Something
The One About Maya Angelou
Category: weekleez
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The One About Hangin’ With Maya hi kids, on cookie’s blog she mentioned something about wouldn’t it be cool for maya angelou to hang out with us. or maybe i mentioned it. i don’t know. i’m on zicam nighttime. i have no idea. anyway, point is, maya angelou and her awesomeness. i wonder if you’d ever get used to being around her? what would it be like to be roomies with maya? i mean, for the first 8 or 10 years i’m sure she’d still be intimidating, right? you’d hate to screw up in front of her cos she’s maya effin’ angelou (i can’t use the fuck word around maya.), and the thing is, you know you’d be a complete baffoon around her. you’d be spilling boiling hot coffee on yourself. you’d drop every damn thing you picked up. and if you were me, you’d probably end up setting either yourself or her on fire. and then you’d always be known as the doosh who set maya angelou on fire. hell, i get nervous just thinking about it. i don’t know how people, ordinary people, even have the guts to interview her. i couldn’t. can you even imagine? i mean, she’s sitting right there! it would be awful! “hi, uh. mrs. angelou. erm, doctor? shit. are you- oh god i said shit! SHIT!” “is there…a question?” “oh god…” “why are…you crying? did you…get enough sleep last night?” “…” “was there…something…you wanted to ask me? perhaps a question…about one of my books?” “…” “here’s a kleenex… a cushioney, cuddley, kleenex. now, little one, is there something you’d like to say to me?” “*sniff* um, i really like your hat.” the interview would go something like that. and it’s crazy because she’s interviewed all the time, that’s like, her job now. she goes around talking to journalists, schools, and oprah. and how do they not manage to Farley up the interviews all, “um, remember when you gave the inaugural poem for president clinton?” “yes, i do.” “…that was awesome.” “…” “um, remember when you wrote, “yes. i remember that.” “um, is… is that true?” “yes, violence is never-“ “did you see terminator 2?” i don’t know how they do it, these interviewers and oprah. unless of course they’re all space alien robots who don’t have emotions and/or don’t have the sense god gave to even a simple paint monkey. it’s the sixth sense. most people think that the sixth sense is some kind of “second sight” or “extra-sensory perception” or “psychic powers” or “voodoo bullshit” or whatever. nay, nay, my friends. the sixth sense is the innate sense of awe and fear that drops in your gut when in the presence of dr. maya angelou. and if you don’t have that god blessed sense? then you’re not human and you probably deserve whatever you get. and you know you can’t fake the sixth sense. it’s impossible. and the bad thing is maya can detect if you’re faking it. and trust me, you don’t want fake it around her, okay? it’s okay to fake it around other people…other people don’t have a clue if you’re faking it. they’re too busy with their own shock and awe of maya to even think about your ass. but maya knows. and maya doesn’t front, okay? so don’t think for a second that you’re going to fake her out. it’s best to be straight with maya. she appreciates honesty. even if it’s harsh…it’s still honest. maya will not tolerate a liar. so interviewing is bad enough, but can you imagine living with her? can you imagine sharing space with her? a bathroom? a ‘fridge? can you imagine what would happen if maya angelou was on vh1’s surreal life? can you? because i can. i can’t say for certain who the other celebrity guests would be but i hope they’d be something like pete rose, ann margaret, one of the coreys, ted kennedy, sinead o’connor, and (oh hell, let’s dream big,) sherri lewis and lambchop. admit it, you’ve seen at least one episode of the surreal life. and you know that just watching 15 minutes of it automagically makes you stupid, and that you become exponentially more stupid by each quarter hour (measured in units of boxes of hammers). por exemplo: 1 full episode of surreal life = the stupidity of 4 boxes of hammers. this isn’t rocket science, you guys. but just think! if maya was on the show! glory! when ted and sinead get into a knockdown drag out over the catholic church? it will be dr. angelou’s wisened voice we hear as she heals the divide between the protestants and the catholics…ACROSS THE WHOLE WORLD. when pete rose gets trashed and hits ann margaret for dancing in front of the tv? it’ll be maya’s fist of fury (her BRAIN FIST) that hits pete rose right in the knowledge center of his brain which tells him that it’s not cool to hit girls. not even ann margaret. and when one of the coreys gets it on with lambchop, of course you know maya angelou will step in and save lambchop’s virginity and send the corey to ventriliquist sex rehab. okay, so maybe it’s not perfect. maybe it is okay to hit ann margaret. maybe i should replace sherri lewis and lambchop with someone who’s still alive, like bono or pee-wee herman. i’m not sure. all i know is that this nighttime formula zicam is really making me drowsy, and i should probably go to sleep before i slander anymore celebrities. so to sum up:
jaimie “tales of a 24th grade nothing” pickle |
Tags: maya angelou, nerd
1.27.07
Category: dribblings
oy, again with the working 6 days a week.
i’m still taking the zicam cos i’m still feeling like there’s a cold trying to sneak up on me when i’m not looking. so instead of blogging i’ve been slipping into a coma every night after work.
but i am working on a weekly. *GASP*
Leave a Comment | PermalinkTags: sick
1.23.07
Category: dribblings
i’m trying to catch a cold.
not on purpose, mind, but the scritchiness is there just the same. i’m assuming it’s from the library. two of the ‘brarians have been out sick but let’s face it…after 3pm the joint is full of snot-nosed pants poopers from like, all the schools so no doubt where the GERMS are coming from.
so i thought i’d be all clever and head this thing off at the pass, right? so i went to flal-greens and bought zicam because i’d heard of it. and it’s this goop you mix in “your favorite hot or cold beverage!” i thought it was a powder, but no, it’s a goopy substance. not unlike a loogie. so it brags about it being this awesome stuff that you mix in your fave drink and that it’s flavorless so blahblahblah. it also says to lick out the medicine that sticks to the plastic spoon it comes in.
so i mix the medicinal loogie into some tea, right? and then i licked out the leftover medicine, right? well it turns out that the flavorless goo actually tastes just like poison. nummy.
s’anyway, i got the nighttime version of the stuff because i thought it would help me sleep better. about 40 minutes after i took it i was laying on the couch watching a program about hot dogs on the food channel. all a sudden i wake up all, “whoa, was i asleep?” and jimmy was burried in his laptop all, “huh? did you say something?” and i notice that the program is now all about cheese. i’m trying to figure out what tiem it is and how i’ve managed to fall asleep ON THE COUCH and also where the pillow came from. cos somehow i’ve got a bedroom pillow on the couch. i try asking jimmy about the pillow and he’s all, “are you drunk?” and i’m all, “fut mine not drinkning no boofze today.”
and he’s all, “uh huh.”
and i’m all, “it’s thils mledicine. i’m bed now.”
and i stumble to bed and immediately sleep.
when i woke up this morning? hangover city. and i could’ve slept until the 25th if i didn’t have to actually do things.
i still feel like i’m catching a cold, but i don’t have the horrible headache i had yesterday. liz, i don’t know HOW you do it. i had a headache ALL DAY at work yesterday and i kept thinking, “how do people live like this? what did i do to deverve this? why does god hate me? why does he hate liz? oh just make it stop! i don’t want to live! i don’t! want! to live!”
jaimie with a headache = huge big baby.
Tags: sick
1.23.07
Category: dribblings
guy comes in to the the ‘brary and he asks me he asks, “hey uh, whar’re all yer books own hyp-no-tye-zin?”
i checked the catalogue and of course, no, because… obviously.
i was all, “sorry big guy, we’re fresh out.”
“somebody else got ’em?”
“no sir, we don’t have any.”
“aw yeah you do.”
“we do?”
“yeah. i seen this guy on tv and he can hyp-no-tize people by just touchin’ ’em. and he’s a got a book. i want that book.”
awesome.
he was absolutely shocked that we didn’t have any books on hypnosis. he was bummed, man. i felt bad that we didn’t have any though. but also? i felt relieved.
Leave a Comment | PermalinkTags: library
1.21.07
Category: dribblings
as you can see, i’m trying to get a good start on the fiddy this year. but that’s how it always goes doesn’t it? i get a good start and then KABLAMMO i fizzle out come november. still, i give myself points for trying.
on thursday i woke up and went to the bathroom and i glanced over at the litter box to see if i needed to clean it out and OH MY SWEET LORD THERE WAS BLOOD IN THE LITTER BOX! TOONCES! MY BABY!
i don’t actually refer to my cat as my baby. still, i was a bit concerned. concerned enough to call my new boss and be all, “MY CAT IS DYING. I MIGHT BE A BIT LATE TO WORK TODAY. OR NOT, DEPENDING ON HOW LONG SHE TAKES TO KICK THE BUCKET. PLEASE DON’T GIVE MY JOB AWAY.”
the vet ended up keeping her overnight. as for what is wrong with her…who knows? she’s on antibiotics and steroids for two weeks and then we’ll see if that has helped. if it doesn’t then this may be the last of Toonces Whorecat. she doesn’t seem to be feeling well, she now sleeps for 24 hours a day instead of her usual 23 hours. but she is able to get up and down the bed and she also runs to her food bowl…so she can’t be too bad, right?
i think the steroids make her hungry cos she ate the wet food i use to hide the pills (we were doing the Hold the Cat Down and Force Her Head Open and Throw the Pills In method of pill distribution, but she’s caught on and now she fights and hisses and bites when we come at her with a pill. so i bought some wet food to hide the pills in, and wow, she LOVES that stuff.) and then turned around and ate all the dry food.
i hope she gets better.
***
it was Mental Illness Day at FoodMax yesterday. the cashier lady was arguing with the lady in front of the man in front of me about some kind of WIC thing. so the guys says something to the cashier and she whipped around and pointed at him and said, “Sir, I am FINE.”
i had thought about switching lanes because it was taking FOREVER but in a sick way i wanted to see what was going to happen. when it was the guy’s turn to check out he was all, “I’LL NEVER COME THROUGH YOUR LINE EVER AGAIN. I DON’T KNOW WHY YOU’RE ALL PISSED OFF AT ME WHEN ALL I ASKED WAS IF YOU WERE OKAY. YOU HAVE A BAD ATTITUDE!”
she didn’t respond, but she did tell hem to have a nice day as she handed over his purchases. he was all, “WELL, I’LL TRY!”
then when it was my turn she said to me she says, “What is with everyone today?” i wanted to say, “hey, are you okay?” but thought better of it.
***
i had a dream that i was out exploring a creek/stream with Terry Irwin and we both got bit by rattlesnakes. she talked incessantly. when we got to the Australian hospital we were separated and i couldn’t find the ER section. i kept finding the bar section. yeah, a bar, in the hospital. i was all, “please help me.” and so this bloke or mate or whatever behind the bar hands me a phone and a phone number but the phone number was numbers AND letters and my hands were swelling up and i couldn’t figure out how to dial the number and somehow i ended up on the beach eating something called hard yogurt.
i ate krystal’s last night.
Leave a Comment | Permalink1.17.07
Category: dribblings
i’m not ignoring you, i’m just a bit overwhelmed working three jobs, bowling, knitting, and trying to read 50 books. that sounds pretentious doesn’t it? honestly, i’m not bragging. “oh look at me! i have hobbies!”
gah, jaimie, you’re such a doosh.
library stories:
yesterday i walked back to the dreaded kid’s section to put a stack of disney books back on the shelf. as i turn the corner i hit a wall. a wall of smell. there were 4 kids on the floor with approx. 27 books strewn about and one of the kids had pooped his/her pants.
none of these kids looked young enough to be wearing diapers, but also, i don’t really know how old they were so maybe kid’s still wear diapers EVEN AFTER THEY CAN READ. i’ve never had a kid so like i say, blah blah blah. point is, one of the little bast-… lovlies had soiled themselves.
gag a maggot.
i was afraid that if the kid who shat wasn’t wearing a diaper, then the turd would fall out of their pants and onto the library floor. and since i’m the New Girl that i’d get stuck cleaning up turds.
lucky for me (and you) no poop fell out, and i didn’t have to puke my guts out over stray turds.
it amazes me (and this blog proves it) how much (LITERAL) shit there is in my life.
***
other things that slay me at the ‘brary:
when i ask someone for their library card and they look at me all, “how very dare you! don’t you know me?! why should i have to carry a library card around? I’M BETTER THAN YOU! how DARE YOU ask to see my card. i shall not be inconvenienced. now check out these books to me anyway, wretch.”
i mean, christ almighty, it’s a library card…i’m not asking for your social security number. i’m not asking for the world with a fence around it. i just want to scan your card…won’t take a whole second. IT’S ON YOUR KEY CHAIN FOR THE LOVE OF LOVE! GET OVER YOURSELF, YOU FUCKING COWBITCH. OH AND HEY, WHEN YOU GET A CHANCE BETWEEN ACTING INDIGNANT AND SELF-RIGHTEOUS YOU MIGHT WANT TO CHECK YOUR KID’S PANTS. SHE SEEMS TO HAVE SHIT HERSELF.
it surprises me how often people act like I’M the idiot because they don’t have their card or don’t want to be bothered with getting their card out. if you forget your card, that’s fine, but at least, LEAST, act contrite about it. don’t act like i’m the fool.
“oh, do i have to have my library card?”
what? of course not! we don’t even know what those things are for! we just scan them for the ‘boop’ noise! talk about hilarious! ha ha! the joke’s on all the suckers who actually bring their card! you’re too smart for us!
idiotas.
and i know that some of them have lost their card and that’s okay. it’ll turn up. but when the same person comes in each week and never has their card? they’ve stopped looking for it and chances are it’s lost for good, but it only costs $2.00 for a replacement card. and sure that’s kinda high if you’re on a fixed income, but jesus lady, you check out ten books at a time and if you had to buy each of those books…even used…well, you’re saving a pantload of money by horking over the two bucks. so what i’m going to need you to do is:
A. gimmie your card
B. get a new card
C. STOP TREATING ME LIKE I’M A CRIMINAL WHO’S TRYING TO RIP YOU OFF.
hundreds of people come in to check out books, just like you, and they manage to bring a card. when my very own father comes in to check out a book? HE HANDS OVER HIS LIBRARY CARD.
so what the hell makes you so special?
***
sorry for being so ranty. it just gets my goat when people get all huffy at me when it’s not my problem.
i really love my job though. my favorite part is getting to help people. if i’m able to answer their question or find their book they act like i’m a genius. oh, and as usual, old people flock to me.
my life is filled with poop and old people. what is your life filled with? i hope it’s something awesome like candy and cheese, or jokes and coffee, or plants and ink pens.
1.14.07
Category: dribblings
lessee, where’ve i been? hm, the six day work week is killing me, but i still enjoy working at the library. i’ve even scored a paint job from one of the librarians. every day i work at the ‘brary i see someone i know from church (vineyard and lutheran). i also see people i know but i can’t remember how i would know them. probably from GSCC. like maybe i had a class when them or something.
anyway, friday was maintenance day. it started out with an 8:15am dental check-up. the lady hurt me. she poked SOMETHING on the top row that hurt and THEN she squirted COLD WATER on it. i jumped in the seat and my leg actually came up. “oh, is that sensitive?” it asked?
after the dentist i went home to change my shirt before heading off to work at HCH, and Uncle Dante pulled into the driveway! yay! he came by to check out my red jeep because i was having a gas leak of sorts, and he’s a three-time jeep owner so he’s seen his share and more of jeep engine problems. i knew where it was leaking from but i didn’t know what on earth the part was called. i don’t feel like a “stupid girl” though because dante didn’t know what it was called either. he did say, however, that i should get it fixed pretty quick seeing as how the gas would start dripping on the very hot part of the engine (manifold schmanifold).
so i took it to my mechanic (if you have a jeep you have a mechanic) and he opened the smallish metal thing and replaced two measely o-rings and that fixed it, and it’s dry as a bone now, and bonus! it doesn’t reek of gasoline when i park the car. while i was there i had him check out my compressor ‘cos SOMETHING has been making a hell of a noise when i turn the AC on. so he oiled the compressor and topped off my freon (or whatever they use now) and he said that the racket wasn’t my compressor but some kind of fan. so probably sometime before summer i should get that fixed. unless i want to ride with the windows down again. i didn’t use the AC much over the summer because of the hellish noise, but it didn’t matter so much since the red jeep is my work jeep. but now that i’m not JUST a paint monkey, but also office monkey and library monkey…it wouldn’t hurt to have the AC in the summer so i don’t show up as a giant sweat ball of doom.
anyway to complete my maintenance trifecta i got moxed that afternoon. kriscakehole ask what i wanted to do with my hair and i said, “make me the Rock ‘n Roll Librarian.”
and he did.
on saturday at work, one of the ‘brarians asked me if i was going to show up sometime with punk colored hair to surprise them. i told her i was going to wait a while on anything too surprising as i didn’t want to get fired right away. she said that was a good idea.
i figure maybe this summer i might try to get away with bleaching out my hair. we’ll start them off easy.
Leave a Comment | PermalinkTags: dante manglehorn, jeep, library
1.10.07
Category: dribblings
i played bass with some very nice gentlemen at the vineyard church on sunday. it’s always great to play with those guys because they’ve been playing guitar for so long that the instrument is just another part of their body. it seems effortless for them to play. and they’re quite laidback about what i play and they never say anything like, “what the hell are you doing?” they just let me play what i play. and what i play is basically the same thing that the bassist for U2 would play. have you ever listened to a bassline of theirs? it’s nothing extraordinary. at all. i mean, who wants to compete with The Edge and Bono? their bassist just plays enough to hold the song together. he’s brilliant. my bass playing is simple too, but not because i’m brilliant but because i’ve barely got a grasp of what i’m doing.
i also got to play with jimmy h. on drums. and it’s always a pleasure to play with him because he’s a fantastic drummer. plus i was in a band with him back in the day. so it’s like old times. although that’s not saying too much because everyone’s been in a band with jimmy h.
hee!
anyway, before worship the band goes and prays for…you know whatever. and so there i am standing with all these guys. these wise, older gents. and for some reason i’ve got “holy men” stuck in my head. as in, here i am surrounded, literally, by holy men. and it’s strange because i can’t help but think, “how did i get here?”
***
in other, nonspiritual random:
i am really glad that both cal ripken jr. and tony gwynn were elected to the baseball hall of fame. i was talking to my paint monkey buddy mike today about it and we were both not surprised that mcgwire was not elected. i doubt he’ll get elected. i shouldn’t say that. but i think there’s just too much controversy around it. i’m surprised he and jose “douche bag” canseco were on the ballot at all. i know they were great players who really made baseball more exciting to watch, but so was mr. pete rose, and they won’t let him in. and pete rose made baseball exciting without performance enhancing drugs. plus his indescretion was while he was manager and not a player and oh hell it’s not like i’m a huge pete rose fan…i’m not, but it seems like a farce to have known drug addicts (hi, dave parker!) and players who used steriods on the damn ballot.
so it’s an awesome thing that out of the list of hooligans the two voted in were supremely amazing players and all around great men of the game. i also dig that both ripken and gwynn played their whole careers on one team, ripken for the orioles and gwynn for the padres. i think it says a lot when a team keeps the same player for 20 years or more.
anyway, enough of this sports junk.
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