3.06.07

Category: dribblings

book title of the day: Hell Hath No Curry

i spent my morning at the Social Security Office of Hell and Damnation today. honestly, you get married and the government has a small cow when your name changes and you don’t tell them. talk about drama queens.

and if you think that jury duty is a veritable cornicopia of strangers… well, it is. but the social security office is like Tod Browning’s Freaks meets The Gong Show only with crazy checks instead of prizes. in my simple mind i thought i’d be waiting all day in a room with old people and mexicans. (nay nay, you racist bitch, nay nay.) instead there were 2 oldsters, no mexicans, about 3 normals, and the rest was a freakshow of fun.

i thought the joint opened at 8am. so i got there at 8am. it actually opens at 8:30, but when i got there at 8 there was already 6 other people in line at the door. everyone was kinda cool and normal at first. but then…then the squidbilly showed up. he talked about the thousands of dollars he’s lost gambling over the years. which is unfortunate, but also, if he’d just spent a couple of hundred on maybe…the dentist…he’d at least have a little something to show for, of course in the south hindsight is pretty much… unobserved. he ended every sentence with, “SON of a GUN LORD jesus mother of GOD.”
it was amazing.

then there was the guy who had a knife in his pocket. which, i don’t know if you’ve been in a federal building lately but rule number one of federal building club is:
never talk about federal building club.

rule number 4b is: no weapons, bitches. including but not limited to: guns, bombs, mace, and grandpa’s rusty pocket knife.

luckily there was no metal detector and the security guy frisked no one. the security guy, may i add, who had the same build as Sydney Greenstreet and was probably just as spry, was actually good at giving out the numbers and keeping everything rolling. as soon as a number was called he was all, “Number 4? Who’s number 4? C’mon number 4, we’re busy! Let’s see some hussle!” because it makes sense to rush the old people and cripples.

i’m not really complaining about anything though, i’m just telling you what i saw this morning. i had printed out the form i needed from the internet so i was in and out lickety-split. i recommend printing and filling out all the forms you need if you’re visiting the SS department. i also recommend taking a tape recorder for the waiting room. it’s a treasure trove of random quotations.

Leave a Comment | Permalink

3.02.07

Category: dribblings

i sure have been reading lately. i think that working at the library is really helping, not that i get to read on the job, but that i’m constantly around books and getting to talk about books. i love books. i love my job. even the part about working with the public. on one hand, i hate the public. and on the other, nicer hand, i really like getting to meet lots of different people every day.

that’s kind of strange isn’t it? i would never think of myself as a “people person” at all. perhaps i am growing?

i remember working at the sign shop and being terrifed of everyone who walked in the door. i hated answering the phone or having to call vendors to order things. i was so shy. plus, lots of the customers were assholes and would yell at me for things i had no control over. that gets old and then you get bitter.

working at the HCH i see how i’ve learned to smile when i talk to people/strangers. i say, “hi” to everyone in my path and it’s oozed over into “real life” which is fine at the library, but i notice now that when i’m out, like at the store, and i make eye contact say, with a giant black man in full gangsta regalia i smile at him and say, “hi” as i walk past him. instead of just minding my own business.

it’s not uncool or anything. just mostly puzzling. i need to turn off my friendly work face when i’m not working. at least i haven’t turned into a Talky Talkerson yet all, “hey gangsta man, i notice you bought the frosted blueberry poptarts. if you get the kind that’s not frosted you can put a bit of butter on it when you warm it up and it’s AWESOME! see ya.”

book title of the day:
You May Now Kill The Bride

Leave a Comment | Permalink

Tags: ,

February 2007 50 Books

Category: 50 Books

 

12. The Guardian by Dee Henderson
Look, every one loves a good series, right? If we didn’t we wouldn’t watch so much damn television. This is part two of the O’Malley series. In this epitomb we get Marcus’s story, but we also get snippets of the other family memebers too. It’s sweet and happy and I’m terrified that Jennifer is going to bite it in the next book.

Marcus O’Malley is a U.S. Marshal and he has to protect people. He ends up protecting a lady named Shari. They end up falling in love. I know. The love story is fairly trite compared to the peripheral story going on with Jennifer and the spine cancer. I actually had tears in my eyes during some of the Jennifer parts. She’s not dead yet, right? But the parts where she’s still trying to plan her wedding? YOU ARE KILLING ME. And I’m not sure if the author is going to make it a miraculous healing or if she’s going to die.

It’s seeming like the series is all taking place within the same year. Like this one picked up a week or two later from the first one, The Negotiator. And like that one, it’s not preachy. Maybe a bit hokey, but not preachy.

11. Travels in the Scriptorium by Paul Auster
Ah, thank God for something with some substance, huh?
This book is fantastic and impossible for me to describe as I’m just not smart enough. It reminded me of Jorges Borges’s work and how he uses fiction (as in books) within his fiction. I love that stuff.

Every sentence this guy writes is amazing. Like he takes sentences and grinds them with on grinding wheel and shapes them into beautiful things that you want to look at.

The story is like metahpor, or maybe I should be using the word metaphysical? it’s just meta. totally meta. I’ve not read much of Mr. Auster’s work, just a couple of short stories and The Brooklyn Follies. But while reading the novel you get that Mr. Blank is the author and that he’s kind of trapped by his characters. Anyway it’s amazing, and even the bit of story (the typescript) itself is engaging and you really want to know what happens in that story too.

I thought that the authors’ names were clever in that Fanshawe was also the name of the first book that Nathaniel Hawthorne wrote, and that John Trause, the name of the other author in the book was the novelist in Oracle Night and that Trause is an anagram for Auster.
Clever, beit good or bad, i enjoy it.

10. The Negotiator by Dee Henderson
I thought I should start reading some of that christian fiction that has become so very popular lately. And since lots of old ladies come in the library all the time asking, “You know of any good books?” and since I can’t reply with, “Yes, you should try Danielewski’s House of Leaves. It’ll change your life.” I figure I should read some of that happy, positive christian fiction and hope for the best. Because that and Nora Roberts is all the southern biddies read. Oh, and Fern Michaels.

I have the same trepidation of reading christian fiction as I do the chick lit. (Why does chick lit have it’s own name? why can’t girls write books and just have them called “fiction” like when guys write books? and why do they all have clever titles but dumb covers with pants and shoes and purses on them? Fuck you, the namers of chick lit.)

I want to be open and positive about it all, “Yay! I’m glad there are so many books to read!” But I can’t help myself to be all jaded and thinking, “Great. Fiction for Christians. What the hell does that even mean? Are the characters Christian? Are the stories preachy? Is there any sexxing?”

So anyway, The Negotiator is part one in the O’Malley series. The O’Malleys are a family of seven orphans who grew up together in a group home and decided to take the same last name. Now they are all grown up and one of them is a doctor and one is a forensic pathologist (as they are) and one is a psychologist and one is a fireman and one is a paramedic and one is a U.S. Marshall and one is a…
negotiator.

So Kate O’Malley is a negotiator. And she gets sent in to talk to a guy who’s at a bank, and he’s going to blow up the bank and some hostages. One of the people trapped in the bank is an FBI guy named David. David is amazed by Kate’s ability to be so calm and awesome and how she saves the day being calm and awesome. David and Kate become friends and they want to date each other but Kate is too badass and she “doesn’t date cops” (as they don’t) and he can’t date her because…she’s not a Christian.

Sigh.

And it was here at this point that I wanted to get real pissy and be all, “Way to be all loving and such, fella.” But then I got to thinking about it and in all honesty I’m not sure I would date someone seriously if they weren’t Christian. I’m not sure what to make of that, really. So I’m giving the author a break on that one.

Anyway lots of drama in the form of mystery solving and family cancer and such and they figure it out and save the day and Kate eventually believes in Jesus and they finally date and you get the feeling that they’ll get married within the next year.

Look, it’s fiction okay? I never said literature.

Anyway, it was a pretty good story and while there are a lot of characters in it they weren’t confusing (like in the Grafton novels) and it wasn’t preachy like I thought it would be. So I’m giving it 3 Cansecos for being pleasantly readable and surprisingly unpreachy.

HOWEVER, Ms. Henderson, throughout the book Kate and David are enamoured with each others’ accents (hers is southern and his is british) and yet NEITHER ONE OF THEM says anything even remotely southern or british. There’s no dialectic spellings or words or anything. You should’ve left the accent thing out because it added nothing to the story and was actually kind of disappointing. I blame your editor mostly.


9. D is For Deadbeat
Deadbeat? Really? Because I think I could come up with like, a dozen better D words for a murder mystery title.

So in this one Kinsey gets ripped off by a dude who ends up dead. So she then solves the mystery for the dead dude’s daughter and it turns out that the killer is one of the 742 characters in the book.

Meanwhile she finally does it with Jonah!

But to me that kinda sucked because even though his wife is a conniving tit wank, she’s still his wife. It’s HIS problem that he TOOK HER BACK even thought WE ALL KNEW that she was going to be a HUGE TIT WANK and that he would be SO MUCH BETTER OFF if he had just divorced her in the first place so he could be with Kinsey.

But no, he tried to reconcile for the sake of the kids. Which, while noble and probably worth some adult points, never works and now he’s lost any acrued adult points he may have had. Because you know that somehow the tit wank is going to find out about it. THEN she’ll divorce him and take the kids AND all his money.

8. C is for Corpse by Sue Grafton
More like C is For Can You Believe I Read the Third One?
This one was better than the second one because it had a really neat character in it…whom she kills off, but still, a pretty good character. Lessee, Kinsey helps a rich kid who was in a bad accident and was all broken up and had some amnesia figure out who was trying to kill him. Only, she solves the mystery too late and the kid gets killed anyway. Still, there is justice.

I really like how the books flow into each other. In fact, the fourth book kinda starts in the third book, but not really. I like continuity like that, I wish more shows and series-es would do that.

I’m wondering though, if Kinsey gets shot/beat up/drugged and beat up/whatever at the end of every book? If so, you’d think she’d start to pack some heat again. Pattern, is all’s I’m sayin’.

Leave a Comment | Permalink

Tags: , ,

2.25.07

Category: dribblings

book title of the day:
Chopping Spree

crazy margaret came by today. here are some of the things she said.

“i don’t go out at night durin’ a tornader.”

“they kicked me out and now all they got is a preacher with a gimpy revival.”

“well jaimie, what would you do if you gave your sister money cos she was down with surgery and then now she won’t give you nothing?”
“margaret, i told you to stop giving money to your sister.”
“well what would you do?”
“i’d tell her to kiss my ass!”
she gave me a real dirty look at that.

“and now their “king jesus” is out of jail and they think he’s gonna save ’em but he’ll be back. he ain’t no good.”
i’m not sure who she’s talking about. i don’t think she’s talking about the Bible Jesus. but, you never know with crazy.

“i don’t see what’s wrong with gettin’ food stamps. ain’t no differnt than my check. some call it a crazy check but it ain’t. i’ll sue you for callin it a crazy check. i ain’t crazy i seen two psychiatrists back in nineteen and nighty-eight. they said i was just fine.”

“i got an attempted murder out on me. ever time i leave my house i know he’s waitin’ on me. it’s a police man and he rides a bicycle. i came home early one day and there he was in front of my house gettin off his bike and when he seen me comin’ you never saw such surprise on a man’s face before.”

“all i’ve got to turn to is the wind.”

“they come over and ask me for money and then they tie into me and give me all their demons and then i puke all night. i puke up all their demons and they don’t care they don’t give me nothin’.”

“thanks for the coke, jaimie.”
“you’re welcome.”
“i’ll bring you one this week.”
“keep your cokes, margaret.”
“naw, you come home one day and there’ll be some cokes and you don’t say nothin about where they come from you just say thank you.”


Leave a Comment | Permalink

Tags: ,

2.21.07

Category: dribblings

is it just me or has this month flown by?

since last we’ve blogged together i’ve had many great adventures. and by “adventures” i mean pushing books, paint, and low income housing for the elderly. my jeep wouldn’t start on sunday. the red one. the chosen one. got a new battery for it, but it kinda pisses me off cos the old battery was only 2 years old. why is it i get 2 years out of a 3 year battery?
i know why.

because popsicle talked me into buying the cheap battery. i was all, “i want the GOLD battery; look how cool the sticker is!” and he was all, “don’t be a sucker, jaimie.”

yes. don’t be a sucker. jaimie. so the battery we got that time was a generic battery practically just a black box with the word BATTERY painted on it in white. it was probably the last $30 car battery ever sold.

this time popsicle, in a rare moment of splurge, picked out the SILVER battery. so let’s see how long this one lasts.

****

book title of the day: Over His Dead Body
doesn’t that crack you up? no? well how about this kid’s book title: Time Warp Trio: You Can’t, But Genghis Khan

yeah, i got ya with that one didn’t i? nothing quite like a mongol pun, no?

***

i’m washing my sneakers because they stink and i can’t really afford new ones right now. i hope they don’t fall apart in the wash. they were bad though, it was getting to the point where febreeze wasn’t helping.

**

it’s that time of the year again. Lent. such a heavy word. sure it’s just 4 letters but when you say it it’s all, uhhhhhhhhg. lent. i thought about busting my tradition and giving up something different but i only came up with lame things like,
work
music
reading shitty books
taking the cat to the vet

and most of those things are necessary so…there you go. so once again i’ll be giving up the sugar for lent. so no fun snack cakes, chocolate awesomeness, or ice cream for me. meh, it’s boring but i’ve decided that if someone asks me if i’ve given up anything for lent that instead of sugar i’ve given up anal sex. how cool would that be if i could say that with a straight face? especially if dad asks.
dude.
that would rule.

Leave a Comment | Permalink

Tags: , ,

2.14.07

Category: dribblings

DOODS!

last night (2.13.07) on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno he did the usual tuesday night headlines bit and guess what?

HE USED MY LEETLE BRATHER’S WEDDING ANNOUNCEMENT!

and the REALLY funny part is we don’t know who sent it in.
i bought the clip from iTunes and i’d post it here if i knew how to make it so’s everyone could watch it. but i don’t. feh.

anyway, i think that’s just cool as hell.

was your little bro and sis-in-law on the jay leno show last night? hmm? what? no? too bad cos mine was.
that’s how they roll. so you better recognize.

Leave a Comment | Permalink

Tags: ,

2.13.07

Category: dribblings

book title of the day: Slay It With Flowers by Kate Collins

yesterday’s book title of the day: Have Your Cake and Kill Him Too by Nancy Martin (which is made even more hilarious as i know a nancy martin.

anyway, i’m collecting these book titles for you guys, and i told the other library workers how these titles just kill me. so now they’re keeping their eyes out for dumb/punny titles. all for you, damien, all for you.

***

this week is too busy for words. my boss at the HCH had some knee surgery done. she’s doing fine from what i hear, but she can’t come to work yet. so on my library days i’ve been working at the HCH for a couple of hours in the morning and then doing my 8 hr shift at the ‘brary. it’s kind of killing me, but it’s keeping me busy and out of trouble. and by “out of trouble” i mean, “not knitting or reading or watching many cartoons” but what can ya do?

i wasn’t going to bowl this evening because i slept on my shoulder wrong and i can hardly hold my arm out straight PLUS i hadn’t been home since 7am and i have to go straight to bowling form work and then we never get home before 9:30pm and yes, i’m a whiney whinehole. still, i just wanted to go home. but mr. fleegan said his sister and her fam were going bowling and since i never see the kids and i’m always having to work during the kid’s sporting events, i’d be a complete asshole for skipping out on bowling.

but then i was excited because we had bad weather on the way and right now i’m sure Tuscaloosa has had at least three tornadoes because it always gets no less than three tornadoes during bad weather of any kind. so i figured with bad weather on the way i’d get out of bowling cos it would be cancelled and then i wouldn’t look like an asshole for not bowling.

i was wrong. bowling wasn’t cancelled.

and so we bowled. and now i’m totally worn out. the kids were fun to watch. at one point little caleb (5 yrs old) knocked down two pins and he turned and started skipping away all excitedly and shouting, “aw yeah! bring it! bring it! bring it!”
how can than not brighten your day?

my first game was a 108 and my second game was a 142.

that’s right suckas! a 142!

Leave a Comment | Permalink

Tags: , ,

2.11.07

Category: dribblings

well hey, stranger!

i finally got the cat back. she’s not hurling anymore. no blockage. no surgery. she’s just as pissy as ever! yay!
although she still has a problem with her blood. boo.
but she’s home! yay!
but we still have to figure out a medicine for her. boo.
but…but…

yay!

***

about once a day at the library someone checks out or returns a book with a hilarious title. it’s usually punny (like Needled to Death and Knit One, Kill Two) or just weird and i’ve been meaning to write them down so’s i could share with you. on saturday i got three. three!
A Hole in Juan
Tongue in Chic
and my favorite, Guess Who’s Coming to Die

i wonder what Tongue in Chic is about? the other two are obviously murder mysteries. oh, here’s the synopsis:

Book Description
NEW FROM THE NEW YORK TIMES BESTSELLING AUTHOR OF TROUBLE IN HIGH HEELS!

Devlin Fitzwilliam caught Meadow Szarvas red-handed, breaking into his mansion to steal a painting. In sheer desperation, she used a case of amnesia as her excuse. But then he pulled a fast one-and claimed she was his wife. Playing along was the only way for Meadow to get her hands on that painting. But what she doesn’t realize is that Devlin has a hidden agenda too-and that someone’s keeping an eye on them both.

 
devlin? meadow? szarvas? plot?
Leave a Comment | Permalink

Tags: , ,

2.06.07

Category: dribblings

they’re supposed to x-ray Toonces to see if she has some kind of intestinal blockage. if that’s the case then i think surgery is the next step.
the burning question is: how much money am i going to spend on this cat?

i don’t even like cats.

***

cookie and i stayed up late last night laughing at the world and making fun of you. it was awesome. the next episode of the Cookie and Jaime Show can be seen this wednesday night at 6pm at the Trinity Lutheran Church Knitting Class/Group.
be there, or be made fun of.

***

once a month at the library they send out notices to the people who are late with their books by a month or two… or ten. the third letter is the one where we include a city ordinance saying that you have city property and the police can arrest you for stealing from the city. the next few days after the letters are sent we collect a lot of fines. the people are usually very contrite or royally pissed.

the other day a lady came in terrified that the police were going to arrest her.
“can they really arrest me?” she asked in a whisper. i put on my serious face and said, “Uh. Sure.”
“oh, God.”
“but see, you brought the books back so now you don’t have city property in your possession. so there you go.”
“yeah, but i can’t afford the fine today.” she did have a large fine, but only because she had some videos out and they are a dollar per day late. they top out at a certain amount though, as we aren’t really greedy bastards, we know you could buy most of those videos online for $10. so it’s not like your late fee for a barney video is going to be $30.
“can you pay part of the fine?”
“no, i don’t have any money on me.”
sure you don’t.
“well, okay, but you can’t use the computers or check out any books until the fine is paid off.”
“okay. but…can the police still come and arrest me?”
whoa, she is definetly hiding meth at her house or something.
“i…i’ve never heard of ANYONE getting arrested over a library fine, but you never know.”

then you have the self-righteous a-holes who come in fuming that their precious children got a notice in the mail.
“HOW DARE YOU SCARE LITTLE JOHNNY LIKE THAT! THREATENING TO ARREST A 6 YEAR OLD! HE WAS TERRIFIED!” cos the letters are sent to the name on the card, so if a little kid has a card and he keeps The Hardy Boys and the Mystery of the Lost Library Book for 4 months…he’s getting a notice. but it’s NOT like he hasn’t gotten two previous notices that didn’t have the threat of police, right?

parents are really fackin’ stupid sometimes.

“he was SO SCARED that the police we’re going to come arrest him!”

good. next time he’ll remember to bring the book back… possibly on time.

collecting fines is nice in that it makes a bit of money for the library, but if you think it’s enough to run the place, you’re crazy. the fines for books, audio, and video do have a limit…like i said, the library isn’t greedy. the library just wants it’s books back. so even if you have a book that belongs to the library that’s years old…and you’re terrified that the police have a warrant for your arrest, just bring the damn book back (drop it off in the depository if you don’t want to face the Late Fee of Shame) so the ‘brary can get it back on the shelves. that’s all they really want.

***

we were talking about how the fiction section is getting kind of full and that sometimes there’s no room to put books where they belong unless you shift 4 other shelves worth of books. so the librarian is going through a list of all the fiction books to see what can go (if they haven’t been checked out in the last three years i think they go to the booksale) and we were talking about if for some reason everyone who had library books out returned them all on the same day there’d be no way we could hold them all.
what an awesome problem to have… too many books.

the cookbook section is also stuffed. i suggested we make a new rule that if you check out a book you must also check out a cookbook.
“oh, i see you’re reading the Dark Tower series.”
“yeah, it’s great!”
“i read the first two but it was way too confusing for me. is it in the past? is it in the present? how is a cowboy at a medieval castle? it really lost me when the lobster chopped off Roland’s hand. i couldn’t take it after that.”
“you just gotta keep reading. it gets so good.”
“that’s what i’ve heard. here’s your cookbook.”
“but i didn’t-”
“have a nice day.”
“aw man, Rachel Ray?”
“next.”

the librarian didn’t go for it. my brilliance is wasted.
hee.

Leave a Comment | Permalink

Tags: , , ,

2.04.07

Category: dribblings

the cat is still at the vet’s. i think i’m becoming slightly depressed about it. i miss the old whore. i was so bummed about it yesterday that i just sat around the house and watched tv. i watched three movies. me! three! i watched The Towering Inferno, Hudson Hawk, and The Breakfast Club with a few eps of Dirty Jobs with Mike Rowe and Mythbusters thrown in.

i’ve seen Hudson Hawk several times, and i think that that movie was ahead of it’s time. it’s a funny flick. i like it.

The Towering Inferno is a great movie if for no other reason than you get to see Paul Newman and/or Steve McQueen in every scene. what hotness! and i’m not talking about the building on fire. but then at the end, the old lady who fell in love with old Fred Astaire’s character dies and all he’s left with to remind him of her is her cat. which looks just like Toonces and so i was all bummed out by that.

now don’t freak out or anything, but i had never seen The Breakfast Club before.
what the hell did i just say? i said don’t freak out.
i know.
i know.
ANYway, it was actually better than i thought it would be. still it’s kind of a downer movie so it did not help my, “woe is me, my poor cat is sick, will i ever see her again?” thoughts. i was shocked at the amount of cursing in it. not at the words, but that they used ’em so much.
the only part i actually laughed at was at the end when the weird girl kisses emilio (EMILIO! what is that from? i hear will ferrell screaming it.) and then she steals a patch off his school jacket. that was funny. but the rest of it wasn’t that funny.

it’s kind of like Say Anything, because everyone loves those two movies and i’m all, “yeah, they’re not bad movies but i’m glad i don’t have to see them again.”

but i admit that i have poor taste in moves. and that the ones i can watch over and over again are dumb, campy, and mostly crap. take for instance Major League. i can watch that shit once a month. i don’t know why. i have crappy taste. so if i hate a movie that you love with all your heart, i’m sorry… kelly.

i drew the line at Planet of the Apes. i was all, “hey what’s this movie…charleton heston is an astronaut…oh, i bet this is one of the monkey movies. oh, their ship has crashed in a desserted area…yeah, gotta be monkeys in this. no thanks.” at first when i saw the extremely dated outfits and water and a ship of some kind i was hoping it was that killer whale movie with richard harris and bo derrek. but no, it was apes.

Leave a Comment | Permalink

Tags: ,

← Previous Page — Next Page →