11.05.06

Category: dribblings

last night mr. fleegan and i were eating dinner with two of our compatriots and for SOME reason the horrible subject of ann coulter came up. (i know.) and my dear friend said that her parents like ann coulter and even own one of her books and sadly, i have lost all respect for these people because
1. her parents are extremely smart and well-read and
2. they should know better and
3. they probably DO know better and somehow that makes it worse that they listen to her and read her foul puke.

now, i don’t use the C word very often (read: as often as laura does) but i can say that ann coulter is a cunt and i feel no remorse in doing so. i said, “she will die bitter and alone, a cunt.” to which my friend replied, “all alone in her cunt mansion with her cunt money.” and then we laughed and laughed because, cunt money.

anyway.

the knitting is going well. i’ve still not actually made anything but i have learned the purl stitch, and now i think i’m ready to make something. something really great and awesome.

i’m a little addicted to VH1 Classics.

i’m reading a great book called Horsemen of the Esophagus. it is about competative eating. i’ve never thought much about eating contests before.

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11.01.06

Category: dribblings

tonight! we knit!

today! we work.

last night! we ate, drank, and were merry!

***

i have to tell you guys something. and quite frankly, it’s shocking as hell. i was watching an old Lynard Skynard concert on VH1 Classics the other day (aka Televison Crack Cocaine) and it was the last song, “Free Bird”, of course, when jimmy came in the room. anyway, i usually cry if i hear “Free Bird”, and not for the same reason that everybody else cries either, not from overplay, but because it reminds me of “old times” and “fond memories” and “other such mawkish sentiments that my cold stone heart remembers”. mostly it reminds me of my brother and i really miss him a lot even though i can talk to him on the phone any time.

ANYway, jimmy didn’t know who the band was on TV.
wait, what?
i know. he DID attend high school IN Alabama! he’s lived here all his life! and it’s not like he was raised by a pack of wild dogs because even wild dogs from Alabama know who the hell Lynard Skynard is.
i said, “i’ll give you a hint, they sang “Sweet Home Alabama”.” (“der,” as Cookie would say.)
he looked puzzled.

WHAT?!  hello?! SWEET HOME ALABAMA?!

“um, is it Alabama?”

“you mean to tell me, that you think that Alabama, sang “Sweet Home Alabama”?”

“i’ve heard them sing it before.”

“dude, i’ve heard Tori Amos sing “Sweet Home Alabama” and no sorry, there’s only one group. the one that WROTE it. are you putting me on?”

“are you sure it’s not Alabama?”

“are you doing this on purpose?! is this like when Liz acts like ZZ Top ISN’T one of the GREATEST POWER TRIOS OF ROCK HISTORY just to get me upset and foamy at the mouth?”

“i like ZZ Top.”

“jimmy, honey, sweetie, baby, tell me who sang “Sweet Home Alabama”. i know you’ve heard the song. they play it after EVERY ‘bama game. darling, love, tell me.”

“i don’t know.”

“wow, it’s like i don’t even know who you are. this could be grounds for divorce. it’s Lynard Skynard.”

“oh.”

“oh? oh? oh as in, “oh yeah, that’s right! total brain fart!” or oh as in, “oh, i’ve heard of them.” or is it the dreaded, “oh, i’ve heard of him.” no wait, don’t tell me which one, i’m going to pretend it’s the “right” one so that i’ll be able to sleep next to you tonight.”

who IS this man i married?

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10.30.06

Category: dribblings

i haven’t turned on the computer in 6 days. i’m so sorry. all the time i get so mad at people who have blogs and then they stop posting and well, now i’ve become one of those assholes. my only excuse is knitting.

IT IS SO MUCH FUN.

it’s sad though really, cos now? i get excited about yarn. YARN! i go down the MULTIPLE yarn aisles at Hobby Lobby, and i ooh and aah over the different colors and textures and I AM SO DAMN EXCITED BECAUSE I SAW SOME YARN THAT IS SPECIFICALLY FOR BABY STUFF because it’s all awesomely soft and sweet. the only blah thing is that it only comes in soft baby colors like blue and pink and a green and then the obligatory mixed roll of pastels and MAYBE I WANTED SOMETHING ORANGE.  but still, baby blanket yarn. aw.

right now i’m working on a scarf and a trivet. the trivet is brownish and the scarf is this awesome mixed colors that cookie had where it goes from red to orange to purple. AWESOME!

YARN!

i can’t wait to get better at knitting so i can make stuff out of the more awesomne (hee, silent n) and expensive yarn. i’m looking at you, fizz and eyelash. YOU WILL BE MINE!

this is the week i learn how to purl.

okay, well, this is the week i attempt to learn how to purl, go to class and learn it, get home, and completely forget how the hell to do it. thus turning in to Tourette’s Knitter while jimmy sits next to me on the couch and laughs at his swearing, knitting old maid.

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10.24.06

Category: dribblings

while updating the fiddy i was looking up stuff about rabies (as happens sometimes) and of course ended up looking at stuff about Old Yeller (as happens sometimes) (oh like it’s just me?) (what, because you’re too damn cool?) (oh sure. right. whatever.) and i found out that the little bro, moochie, remember him? he played the little bro in ALL THOSE DISNEY FLICKS? well I JUST FOUND OUT THAT HIS NAME IS NOT TOBY TYLER. that actually toby tyler WAS THE NAME OF ONE OF THE CHARACTERS HE PLAYED. and that his actual name is KEVIN CORCORAN.

all these years people, all these wasted years of me thinking his name was Toby Tyler. i feel like a fool.

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10.22.06

Category: dribblings

so it was my birthday yesterday. i went down a creek (6 miles) in a funyak which is like a kayak for dummies. it was a beautiful day, a little cold, but not as cold as it could’ve been. i can’t wait for this spring, because dudes, we are going to do this. oh yes, there will be a Fleegan Funyak Free For All as soon as the weather gets warm again.

while on this 6 mile adventure we:
saw many wild turkeys
got stuck on rocks on rapids
saw turtles and a snake and a weird tadpole thing
peed in the woods
sang a few songs
ate beef jerky
and saw/did other such outdoor shenanigans

the reason for the funyak adventure was not my birthday but was jan’s 50th birthday.

incidentally, my shoulder is not hurting nearly as bad as it was even though technically i shouldn’t be able to move any of my upper body what with the funyaking and all. in fact, it’s amazing how not sore my body is, truly a miracle. a blessing! a blessing from the lord!

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10.18.06

Category: dribblings

it’s this whole “knitting” thing. it’s sucking up huge chunks of blog time. you’re probably wondering what i’ve knitted so far. well, i’ll tell you, i’ve knitted nothing so far. i keep “casting on” and then knitting a few rows and then start over again. so anyway, let me sum up the last few days:

friday: it sucked. i was completely ineffectual at work and i shouldn’t have even bothered. i was Farmer Benign. i did get Moxied though, so the day wasn’t a total bust.

saturday: an old black dude scammed jimmy and me at the Sonic on Meighan. he told us a racist joke and we died and then gave him money. his joke:
There’s a Puerto Rican, a Mexican, and a black guy riding in a car. Who’s driving?

A: the police.

not that funny of a joke really, but when an old black dude tells it, it’s funny.

sunday: walmart.

monday: i took the day off because my left shoulder is in serious painitude. it hurts, you guys.
i made beef stew for dinner and cookie came over and we watched Basic Instinct. we didn’t actually watch it, it was just on in the background while we talked about you.

tuesday: paint. i’ve got a buddy helping me paint. he’s been moving all the heavy stuff and doing all the rolling and you’d think my shoulder would be really appreciative about it, but it continues to hurt. i’m taking lots of advil and wearing those icy hot patches. neither helps, but those patches are CRAZY weird. it’s cold! it burns! it’s cold again! it burns too!
my skin is going to fall off isn’t it?

bowling! is! back! luckily my right shoulder is okay; so i could bowl. of course it still hurts the left one a bit what with the moving around and all. but c’mon, i had to bowl.

wednesday: more paint. i’ve still got my henchman rolling for me. shoulder is in exquisite painy pain. seriously thinking about calling a doctor. i just don’t know what doctor to call. ideas? lemme know.

also, it was Knitting Knight. night. tonight was the knitting class and this time i talked liz and cookie into going and they are SO HOOKED. knitting is so badass.

i’ve got about two more days on this painting job, unless i can get in to see a doctor. going to the doctor really cuts into work time, and? it costs money.

monkey hate doctor.

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10.13.06

Category: dribblings

it’s friday the 13th. knowing how my days go on a “normal” day, i know that what i should do is go right back to bed.
was that even a sentence? i’m sure there’s one in there somewhere.

***

i’ve started taking a knitting class. (i’ll wait while you laugh)

ANYway. it’s at the lutheran church on wednesday nights at 6pm. anyone can attend. and? best of all? it’s free. i’m almost certain that knitting isn’t the hardest thing to do, however, so far, i feel like an uncoordinated retardo montalban. it’s like i’m all thumbs and butterfingers. buttahfingahs!

but the hardest part about knitting so far is trying not to swear. because there i am, at church, surrounded by sweet church ladies, and i’m totally sucking wind at knitting, and the urge to yell, “son of a bitch!” every time my yarn slips off the needle is too great a temptation. so i mumble a lot. and also you can hear me saying, “no!”, “what the-?”, and “this can’t be right.” over and over.

my goal is to knit a blanket for laura’s wee fleegan. i figure a baby blanket will be an easier task than say, an adult blanket. of course, she may not get it until the baby’s like, 13 years old, but at least i’ve set a goal, dammit.

***

hey all you geeky gamers. is gametap any good? is it worth the monthly fee? cos see, i’d like to play some of those old games. but i’m just not sure how easy it is to actually play them on a computer. and? can you save your games? i don’t think you could actually save many of those games anyway but they used to give you a code right? so you wouldn’t have to start at the beginning each time? any suggestions and tips would be appreciated. http://www.fleegan.com/forum2

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10.10.06

Category: dribblings

roxy rockstar and i went for a walk this afternoon at the “bird” sanctuary. number of birds spotted: 3.

everyone loves to pet roxy. she’s so friendly when she’s on the leash and out of the yard. it’s like she’s all, “hi! yeah, it’s me. you want to pet me? of course you do! i’ll be right there!” and she pretty much forces herself on you by shoving her giant nose into your hand. so yeah, everyone on the trail that went by us either stopped to pet her or at least commented on what a pretty rockstar she is.

***

i went to the Humane Society on my lunch break. i thought maybe i’d find a friend for roxy, but no, they only had really small dogs. and one german shepherd puppy. no. no puppies.

i’m looking for a big, old dog who wants to just eat and sleep and who’s done with barking and chewing and climbing fences. i’m looking for lazy. big dumb lazy dog.

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10.08.06

Category: dribblings

if you’ve got 3 hours to kill i highly recommend you go see The Departed.

***

after describing talking to Alice like talking to a Foxfire book i just had to go to the library and get one to read because those are some good reading, lemme tell ya. the homemade remedies kill me, or they would if i tried them anyway. already i’ve learned a “cure” for warts. apparently, to get rid of a wart all you have to do is sell the wart for a penny and then throw the penny away.

the country mountain people have a cure for everything. usually the cure will involve making a tea of some sort and then adding turpentine to it. most of their cures actually seem to be poision. and so it’s a wonderment to me that these people live to be 97. i mean, honestly, you drink stuff with turpentine in it on a regular basis…and yet you die from typhoid fever? i don’t see how any organism could live in your bloodstream….when it’s poison!

anyway, everyone should at least read one of the Foxfire books. it should be mandatory reading. they are chock full of information and charm. i wish i could drive over there and meet those people and talk to them and learn from them and just soak up their crazy backwoods knowledge. i mean, just their knowledge of plants and trees is amazing. i realized the other day that i have no idea what a birch tree looks like. i can recognize an oak leaf and a pine needle. that’s it. oh, and a maple leaf, sure. but these people know about trees, like actual trees and roots and things. it’s amazing to me.

of course, we all know i’m easily amazed.

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The One About Cornbread

Category: weekleez

The One About Cornbread
October 07, 2006

hi kids,

today is the Cookie’s 30th birfday. there will be much partying!
but enough about Cookie. let’s talk about me. this week, i learned the greatest and most awesome thing of my life. i learned how to make cornbread, real, honest to the good Lord God of the Baptist Church Potluck Jamboree and Faith Healing Revival, cornbread.

eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

my family and i are displaced yankees, you see. actually, i don’t think Ohio = yankee, but basically if you were born north of the Mason-Dixon (and hell, pretty much anything north of Tennessee, because seriously, Maryland? no dice.) then the south will dub you a damn yankee. and what’s funny is they claim that yankees talk funny, oh, the irony. what they mean by funny is enunciation. they’re not used to hearing a word pronounced the way it’s actually spelled. i’m not poking fun (much) just stating a fact.
(hee)

anyway, because of our midwestern/yankee “heritage” i grew up with my mom making cornbread the way they do up north. i never liked it very much so i rarely ate it even if we went to a restaurant or to someone’s house. i thought all cornbread was the same. i know what you’re thinking, “My God, you fool.”
i know.

you may also be thinking, “What’s the difference in the cornbread from the north and south?”
in a word, sugar.
and all the southern people reading this will grimace and go, “oh Lord no, not sweet cornbread, you fool.”

well, i had no idea. not until last year anyway when our good friend, Flippy Chinchilla, made some cornbread to go with our chili dinner at mom&dad’s and everyone was all, “great cornbread, Flippy!” and so i thought that i should take a taste myself so i could see what the fuss was about. because lemme say, mom was oohing and ahhing over the cornbread. i tasted the bread and wow, i really liked it. i mean, i really liked it. i could’ve eaten a whole “loaf” myself. it was glory! but what made it so good?

it was flat and dense, and not sweet at all, and the outside was really cripsy and yet chewy at the same time. i’m told this is corn pone. which is a bit different than regular cornbread in that i guess the cornbread is a bit more fluffy than corn pone, whatever. anyway, i don’t care what you call it, it’s totally fabulous, and it’s an awesome treat when Flippy makes it. so if she makes some and you’re there, you should at least give it a try. it just might change your life.
(drama much?)

so the other day i thought it would be cool to have some cornbread with our dinner, but the thing is…i’ve never made it. well, that’s not true really, this one time i bought a cornbread mix and made it into muffins and it was so dry and gross that i never made it again. but now, knowing that the perfect, most delicious cornbread recipe actually exists, and that i know the very lady who has the recipe…well, i had to ask Flippy for the recipe.

but would she give it to me? there’s lots of weirdos out there who have awesome recipes for things…but they won’t share! these are evil and greedy bitches. are you a stingy recipe whore who won’t share their most loved and delicious recipes? if so, that’s cool, they’re your recipes after all, just know that we secretly hate you and we totally talk about you behind your back. we are dirty namecallers, but you, with your miser’s heart are much, much worse. cows.

so i called and left Flippy a voicemail asking if she’d be willing to share her secret recipe of cancer-curing cornbread. it doesn’t actually cure cancer, but it’s so good that it should. it’s the damn FDA that’s holding it back.

it should be noted at this time that it is completely normal that when talking to someone about cornbread they’ll usually say something like, “My *insert mother or grandmother’s name* makes/made the best cornbread ever!” this WILL happen anytime you mention cornbread in the south. it is best to just smile and nod and say something benign like, “no kidding? how nice for you.” or maybe, “really? that sounds quite pleasant.” then it’s best if you steer the conversation back to what you were saying about cornbread because the other person might then try to tell you what “secret” ingredient or cooking method so-and-so used to make their special cornbread and the thing is you don’t care because you know that your *insert mother or grandmother’s name* actually makes/made the actual best cornbread ever, ever, ever. and it’s a waste of time for the other person to even be speaking at all about their shitty cornbread.
thus it goes with cornbread in the south.

which is crazy because it’s really all moot seeing as how Flippy Chinchilla’s cornbread is ACTUALLY the ACTUAL best cornbread on the whole of planet Earth, and you, your mama, and your grandma can all go cry about it.
such is the power of cornbread.

ANYway. Ms. Flippy called me back and was honored that i wanted her recipe out of all the other kajillion recipes of cornbread in the world. she then went on to tell me how she never really liked her mom’s cornbread either and that the recipe she used was actually that of a next door neighbor who made, it turns out, the best cornbread in all the land. she went on to say that when she wanted to learn to make cornbread she went to that lady and basically told her the same thing that i told Flippy, “hi, yours is the only cornbread on the planet worth eating, would you mind telling me how you make it?” and, because the lady was NOT a stingy troll, she shared the glorious recipe with Flippy. and in that honor Flippy shared the recipe with me. and i have made cornbread four times this week.

lucky for me, Jimmy was raised in the south and therefore loves cornbread. and, double luck, he likes Flippy’s cornbread too and has not once said anything like, “This is good, but *insert mother or grandmother’s name* makes the best cornbread ever.” this may be because he’s a dude, and dudes usually just like homemade food in general and never really care who’s recipe it is. or maybe he knows that saying something like that is a good way to end up in the emergency room with a fork stuck in his eye. at any rate he did not complain once about having to eat cornbread four times this week.

i know that the fact that i’ve lived in Alabama for OVER 25 years does not make me a southerner. it matters not that i was raised here. because see, i wasn’t born here. and? i was raised by yankees. so see, the south would never claim me…unless of course i was some kind of college football star, then they’d totally claim me. i say this so you won’t get mad that i said that your grandma’s (or whoever’s) cornbread was shitty. see, you could get mad at that, or you could just say, “Well, that comin’ from a damn yankee don’t mean a danged ol’ thang. What would she know ’bout cornbread eenyway? Poor ol’ thang, wouldn’t know a good piece of cornbread if it was meltin’ in her mouth!”

that could be true.

anyway. this would be the part of the essay where i give the recipe to Flippy’s Amazing Cornbread (FAC). but truth is, you don’t want it, cos your mama makes the best blah blah blah.

1 cup self-rising cornmeal (yellow or white, i don’t care)

1/4 cup vegetable oil

3/4 buttermilk (how can something so gross make things taste so good?)

that’s it. those are the ‘gredients. this is perfect for an 8″ iron skillet. if you’ve got a bigger skillet then adjust the recipe accordingly. this shouldn’t be too hard if you’ll notice that the wet ingredients = the size of the dry ingredients. 1 cup dry to 1 cup wet. there you go.

to prep your skillet what you do is put some oil in it and i just use my hands to smear it around the bottom AND the sides. you should not have a ton of oil in the pan, okay? just enough to coat it all and leave maybe a sixteenth of an inch standing in the bottom. put this in the oven. now.

then you’re gonna preheat the oven to 425.

now mix the stuff up in a bowl. sometimes i’ll give it a few shakes of salt out of my salt shaker just for shitsngiggles. but it’s fine either way.

when the oven beeps take the skillet out, BUT BE SURE TO USE A POT HOLDER or else you’ll have a pan handle-shaped burn on your palm. the oil should be hot but not smoking. stick your hand in the bag of cornmeal and grab some and drizzle it on the bottom of the pan into the oil. it will sizzle, this means it’s working. when you get it covered with dry cornmeal then you pour the mixture into the skillet, actually you may need to stir it again and then pour. the buttermilk creates a lot of air in the dough because buttermilk is weird and magical. so stir it then pour it and put it in the oven for i dunno, 15 minutes, maybe longer if your oven is wack. you can do the toothpick test.

then you get a paper plate or put a paper towel on a real plate whatever, and you flip the cornbread out of the skillet and onto the plate. it should just pop out of the skillet like a magical food trick. and there you have it. the bottom will be on the top.

wait for the skillet to cool down before you clean it. i’ve been told that you never wash an iron skillet with soap. you just wipe it out with a paper towel, i guess. otherwise you ruin the skillet and it gets AIDS and then you have to reseason it. which sounds like a lot of work for a pan, right? anyway.

so then you slice it into wedges and eat it all before anyone else can have any. my dad puts butter on it, and sometimes after the meal is over and there’s some left over he’ll slice it and put butter and honey on it. i don’t put anything on it because it’s perfect as it is and to put anything on it is an insult to the buttermilk (do not antagonize buttermilk. it always wins). the only bad thing is, it doesn’t keep well. but really, is that a problem? i mean, what are the odds there’s going to be leftovers, right? especially if you’re using an 8″ skillet.

so there you go. you should make it some time. or come over to my house, chances are i’m making some right now.

 

 

 

next epitomb: hoecakes. hee!

 

jaimie “corn! bread!” pickle

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