6.05.06

Category: dribblings

wow. i was scrolling around the iTunes store and i usually check out the free songs and then go back to listening to my music and not any of their other crap on the homepage because it’s all so shitty. but sometimes i also check out the “celebrity playlists” which, first of all, why they haven’t asked me for my playlist yet is beyond me…other than the fact that i’m not a celebrity and my playlist would have 11,000 songs on it. and secondly, i’ve never heard of most of these “celebrities”. who is ashley parker angel? who is josh lucas (and OMG he put “Coconut” on his playlist. he gets so many points for that.)

so out of the whole list i click on Bo Bice to see what that guy listens to. and see, i don’t watch the Idol. i’ve never heard the guy sing. all i know about him is he lives in b’ham and was on the Idol and now he’s famous. i don’t know why i clicked on his playlist. but when i read all the crap he listens to? i laughed because i think we totally own the same CDs.

***

things that will crack you up…if you’re me:

a couple of sundays ago at church it was Armed Forces Sunday or something…it was weird ‘cos it was a week before Memorial Day. anyway, the pastor said something before church started to the effect of, “if you were/are in the army, navy, airforce, marine etc please stand up.” so dad leans over to me and asks, “hey, you suppose the KISS army counts?”

“dad.”

“i’m just sayin'”

“you’re sick.”

“you’re laughing.”

then tonight dad and best and i are sitting around the kitchen table and dad starts telling us about his day of plumbing. i guess the HCH had some plumbing probs this weekend. anyway, he says this one lady had turned in a work order on a stopped up sink. so he goes to check it out but the lady said that she fixed it. dad asked how. she said that someone told her to pour vinegar down the drain so she did and nothing happened. then someone else told her to pour buttermilk down the drain. so she did. and nothing happened. then someone else told her to pour salt down the drain. so?
she did.
and she said it drained after that. so the vinegar/buttermilk/salt combo actually worked.

“mmmm. Hidden Valley Douche,” best says.

“The way douche is supposed to taste,” says dad.

“you guys are sick.”

“you’re laughing.”

****

don’t forget to vote, bitches.

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6.04.06

Category: dribblings

i just left a cake out in the rain.

dumb song. anyway. it ended up costing me $200 to get the jeep fixed. new starter. now the thing starts so fast it’s like i can start it with my mind.

***

mr. fleegan and i saw The Break Up this weekend.
worst. movie. ever. (technically, the worst movie ever is The Abyss but since that’s sci-fi it’s really not comparable.) don’t even rent it.

***

i had to work this weekend. staining a huge deck. Popsicle helped me and i’m so glad he did ‘cos if i did it myself it would’ve taken 3 days. i hate working on the weekend because well, duh, no one likes to work on their day off.

***

i’ve a new job now. well, a new extra job. that brings me up to 4 jobs. sorta.
see, i paint houses. i also work for an apartment complex painting apartments. then fellykish and i cart a lady back and forth to dialysis 3 times a week. and now, my newest job is a part-time office assistant for the apartment complex. the only bad part of this job is that it doesn’t pay well. so i kind of lose money ‘cos i could be out there painting houses for more money. but they really need someone to help out at that office and the work is simple. and it’s in the air conditioning (although the office itself is actually hot and stuffy.) feh. anyway, the boss thinks i’m a genius which, of course, and the crazy thing is the job involves math and we all know what a wunderkind i am at math.

wunderkind means “brainless moron”, right?

it’s simple math. addition mostly. there’s a sinister calculator that uses paper i’m sure it’s called something specific, not just sinister calculator. in the ’70s they probably called it a computer. anyway, it’s some kind of calculator that plugs into the wall. isn’t that crazy?

so anyway, i’m not ignoring you. i’m just busy.

***

i’m getting Moxied this week. i can’t wait to get this hair cut off. i have so much hair i don’t know what to do with it. it’s crazy.

***

don’t forget to vote this tuesday. i’ve a feeling we’re going to be stuck with Riley for four more years, but if that means we don’t end up with Darth Moore then i can live with it.

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5.30.06

Category: dribblings

i’m going to warn you now, beware of my blog. it’s about to get even more boring and whiney. why? because it’s time for Summertime Paint Monkey.

Monkey Hate Paint.
especially in the summer. it just wipes me out.

today i primed the eaves of an old tool shed. i did this soaking wet, while wrestling two ladders (one to stand on, one to hold the paint tray because the other ladder is retarded and doesn’t have a tray holder), while swatting at bees, wasps, that other flying thing that’s black and white (what is that?), while killing spiders and ants, and let’s not forget the parts where i screamed like a girl and ran away from those vile, sneaky, glossy, red, awkward, disgusting motherfucking palmetto bugs.

for those of you who don’t live in the south, that’s a cockroach. and? they pronounce it pahmetta. the south kills me sometimes.
anyway.
there was some tar paper (roofing paper?) nailed to the back of this shed i’m going to paint, and the paper was all gross and ripped and who the hell tacks up fucking tar paper on the back of the shed anyway? don’t get me wrong, i get it, it’s supposed to “protect” the shed from wetness and gross leaves and pine straw. yes. but also? they make rakes.

to everyone with a shed:
RAKE BEHIND YOUR FUCKING SHED AT LEAST ONCE A YEAR OKAY?
JUST DO IT, YOU LAZY DOUCHE BAGS.
oh, and while i have your attention, KEEP THE IVY OFF THE SIDES OF EVERYTHING YOU OWN OKAY? I’M TALKING YOUR HOUSE, YOUR SHED, YOUR CARPORT, WHATEVER. because those vine roots? do not come off. not even with the pressure-washer. and you don’t have enough money to pay me to sand down each one so that your laziness doesn’t look ugly on your siding. bitches!

so as you can imagine, every time i ripped more of the paper off…these bright red roaches would come scattering out. and it wouldn’t be so bad if they wouldn’t come running out AT ME. but for some reason they run at me. i guess a signal goes to their brain: DANGER. RUN AWKWARDLY TOWARD THE SCREAMING GIRL. SHE HAS CANDY AND SEX TOYS FOR YOU.

i’m sure if anyone was watching they got a few chuckles at me flailing out from behind the shed all,
“AIEEEEEE!!! GAHBLAHLEELEELEESHIIIIIIT!”

gosh, it was just more fun than human beings should be allowed to have.

Monkey Hate Summer.

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5.24.06

Category: dribblings

i’m not sure if i ate some bad pork or if i had a hangover. the good news is, today i felt much better.

dad brought the black jeep back and he had washed and waxed it. it looks so nice. so then today i was all, “hey, do you need to borrow the red one?” hee.

so i decided i should wash and wax the red one. easy enough, right? so i call laura to ask her something or tell her something or whatever. shut up, i don’t HAVE to have a reason to call laura, okay? so i tell her about how i’m gonna wash the car but that i’m dreading it ‘cos…Crazy Margaret.

so laura suggests that i wash it at my parents house or even at her house. but i say no, thank you, ‘cos i shouldn’t be afraid to wash my own car at my own house. an hour and a half later laura gets another phone call from me that went something like this:
“dude. you were right.”

“about what? oh. margaret?”

“yes.”

“dude, i told you.”

“dude, an hour and a half.”

“what did i tell you?”

“i know. next time i’m washing it at your house.”

“that’s what i’m talking about.”

“she is so crazy. it’s amazing.”

“you have mentioned this.”

“she keeps telling me that my dogs are getting cancer because this lady up the street has cancer and she passes it on to her dogs and they come up to my fence and then my dogs sniff at her dogs and the cancer is transfered over to my dogs.”

“that is some serious crazy.”

“don’t i know it. she tells me this every time i see her. i’m going to hear it so much that i’m going to start believing in it.”

“no, you won’t.”

“i’ll be sitting around with a bunch of people and someone will bring up bird flu or something and i’ll say something like, “yeah, but what about that Airborne Dog Cancer i keep hearing so much about?” and everyone will be all whispering to each other, “is jaimie off her meds?” “i don’t think she takes meds.” “she should take some meds.” “pro’ly, she’s the Mayor of Crazytown you know.” “omg, have you met her neighbor, margaret? she’s CRAZY.” “i KNOW!” you watch, it’ll happen.”

“i seriously don’t think you’re going to start talking about Airborne Dog Cancer in public.”

“oh, you mean A.D.C.? i’ve heard of that.”

i totally made up the last part. but honestly, it’s not such a stretch.

so yeah, margaret and i hung out this afternoon. i got to hear about:

Airbone Dog Cancer
birds
squirrels
spiders
dogs
spiders
her three sons, one of which is my age and works at Logan’s
Lola
spiders
Lola’s spiders
sean

who is sean, you might be wondering? i wondered too.

“margaret, who’s sean?”

“what do you mean “who’s sean?””

“um, who are you talking about?”

“the man who owns the brown dog.”

“you mean my boyfriend?”

“yeah!”

“his name is jimmy.”

“oh. well i mean the other guy. in the white car.”

“…that’s… jimmy.”

“oh, then who’s the other guy?”

“i…don’t know. i’ve never seen him.”

“well, he must be sean then.”

obviously. then she asked me a million questions about the dogs, the jeeps, me, sean, if i’ve seen any spiders, etc.

i told her i used to work at a sign shop.

“what’s a sign shop?”

“…it’s….a place that makes…signs.”

“oh. uh, how much does one of them tires cost?”

“tires?”

“yeah, one of them tires there. are they expensive?”

“they’re expensive to me.”

“oh, do you think it’s gonna rain today?”

“i’m washing my car, so it will rain today or tomorrow.”

“huh? oh. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!”

wow, she LOVED that one. i mean, she laughed like crazy.

in other yard news:

I AM OVERRUN WITH BIRDS AND I HATE BIRDS SO MUCH THAT I WOULD KILL THEM ALL WITH A GUN IF
A. I OWNED  A GUN AND
B. IF I WOULDN’T GO TO JAIL FOR SHOOTING A GUN IN THE CITY AND
C. IF I WASN’T SO AFRAID THAT I’D ACCIDENTALLY SHOOT OUT A NEIGHBOR’S WINDOW

i hate birds and i have so many of them and MY DOGS do not CARE about the birds. they just want squirrels. and these birds are FEARLESS. i hate that even more than just plain ol’ birds. these birds give me the finger when i go outside. they are SO not afraid of me! this is not cool. i need some kind of long range Bird Taser.

these birds evoke such a rage in me that i totally want to kill them all and as soon as i find out a way to get rid of them they are SO GONE. fuck you birds and fuck you vegan animal lover faggots.

send hate mail to lizfinlayson@hotmail.com

is my bird wrath showing?
there was a dead bird stuck (STUCK, as in, IT WAS IN A FINAL STAGE OF DECOMPOSITION) stuck to the roof of my jeep.

how the hell does that even happen?
do you SEE how these birds are?! DO YOU?! BECAUSE I DON’T THINK YOU DO!

ps: DIE BIRDS! I’LL KILL YOU ALL!

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5.21.06

Category: dribblings

the server has been down but mr. fleegan says he’s fixed it now so let’s see how it goes. fleegancentral is also up and running.

on friday i  was painting the community room at the Holy House and at 2pm some of the oldsters have their coffee klatch. usually someone will bring a cake or brownies or whathaveyou, and they drink coffee and eat a snack and basically just socialize. it’s cute.

here’s the set up: people are wandering in one by one.  i’m painting, so i’ve my back to them and can’t tell who is talking to who. also, mr. rains brought the cake, and he’s not in the room. this is important.
i’ve color coded the people ‘cos i don’t know all their names.

who brought the cake?

i don’t know. who brought the cake?

i did!

this coffee smells great.

i’ll take mine with cream.

who made the cake?

we don’t know.

i did!

has anyone read Never Been a Southern Girl? (i can’t actually remember the title, but it sounded something like that)

no.

this coffee smells good.

hey everybody! who brought cake?

i did!

it’s about this girl who moves to Dallas, Texas.

this cake is great! thanks to whoever brought it.

and she’s lived there for 15 years.

i made the cake! ha ha!

hi ladies. oh good, there’s some cake. it looks delicious! who made it?

and she’s mad ‘cos the women’s club never invited her to one of their meetings the whole time she’s lived there.

she made it.

no, i didn’t.

you said you did.

i thought she brought it.

who me?

didn’t you make it?

so then they invite her to a meeting and they tell her that she can bring the chicken salad.

i thought Carol made it.

i didn’t make it!

Estelle, do you need more coffee?

and she makes chicken salad but she uses the dark meat.

Estelle, would you like some more coffee?

Estelle, honey, he’s talking to you.

ESTELLE! *waves hand in her face* would you like MORE COFFEE?

NO!

so they kick her out for using the dark meat.

what a pretty cake. who made it?

Carol made it, you want some?

but i didn’t make it. who made it?

that coffee and cake really hit the spot.

i just want coffee. but the cake looks good.

thanks for the cake, whoever made it.

it wasn’t me.

it was me!

was it?

no.

this happens everyday at the Holy House at 2pm. how awesome is that? is like “Who’s on first?” but with old people and cake.

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5.17.06. afternoon

Category: dribblings

wow, this day keeps on giving.
today i was FREBREEZED by an old lady. i was painting a shelf in her closet and i hear her squirting something in the other room and then she comes to the closet door and she squirts febreeze! FOUR SQUIRTS! hello? what am i invisible today? it’s the Known World’s Smallest Closet by the way. it’s not like she didn’t see me.
i shoulda snatched the bottle out of her hands and beat her with it.

crazy margaret came by and rang the bell but i didn’t go out to see what she wanted ‘cos i don’t care ‘cos i already did a good deed today. i’m not trying to break any records or anything.

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5.17.06

Category: dribblings

what a morning.
first it started with Kaze barking at 5:30. awesome.
so instead of beating her or putting her in the basement for a Time Out (gay), i brought both dogs in the house. awesome.
Roxy has met Toonces on numerous occassions and they have a kind of relationship where Roxy ignores the cat and the cat tries to lure Roxy over so she can swat at her nose.
awesome.

for the first 20 minutes Kaze went around my room sniffing EVERYTHING ‘cos she knows there’s a cat in the house, she’s seen it from the door several times. well, Toonces was hiding in plain sight on my dresser.
to make a long story short: Kaze got swiped a couple of times, the cat got to make a couple of those throat growls, and jaimie got about 15 minutes of sleep.
awesome.

i put the dogs out around 7:15. Kaze immediately went into Squirrel Mode. Roxy was all, “are you going to feed us?” that dog would eat all day long if i’d let her. and no, she doesn’t have worms, margaret.

so i make me an egg sammich and i sit down with a cuppa coffee and try to read a few pages of my latest fiddy when i hear the telltale sound of a car not starting.
no, come on. i just sat down to read. i just want to read another chapter before work, please God? please? bless their engine, Lord. place your healing hands on their engine and just let it start. please? OH FOR THE LOVE QUIT WEARING OUT THE STARTER! I’LL BE THERE IN A SECOND!

so i figured it was someone in the parkinglot across the street but it wasn’t. it was an old truck in the middle of 6th ave. weird.
i walk across my yard to the fence and ask the old black dude, “you need a jump?”
“naw, i ran outta gas.”

ran out of gas?! well, this one’s a new one on me.

“okay,” i said, “i’ll be right back.”
so i go get my gas can and it’s mostly full ‘cos the only thing i use it for is the lawn mower and it takes like, a half a cup of gas to run the thing so. i had almost a full can.
i go over to the truck and the guy can’t get the gas cap off ‘cos there’s…a lock on it.
wha fuh?
“you got a key for that?”
“i don’t know.”
“is this your truck?”
“nope.”
“uh…”
“it’s my cousin’s truck.”
“uh huh.”
“i had to take the kids to school today so i had to borrow it.”
“are those your cousin’s keys?”
“he didn’t mention nuthin’ ’bout no gas in the truck.”
“i’m assuming the key’s gotta be on the ring, right?”
“those your dogs?”
“yeah.”
“you keep ’em locked in the fence all the time?”
“yes.”
“tha’s good. what kind are they?”
“just mutts. maybe the ignition key opens it?”
and, you know how sometimes when someone is doing something you want to slap their hands away and do it yourself because they keep doing it wrong?
this guy kept trying to unlock it WITH THE SAME KEY OVER AND OVER. like, DUDE, we could do this all DAY LONG.

eventually one of the keys worked. i poured half a gallon. after some coaxing the truck finally started with a roar. he tried to give me $2, but i just couldn’t take it. so now i’m gonna wait for the fallout for my good deed.

well, it’s 8 o’ clock now.
i’m exhausted.
hee.

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5.15.06

Category: dribblings

TO THE GUY (steve?) WHO WANTED ME TO LINK TO HIS BLOG PLEASE E-MAIL ME AGAIN. i got a new computer and didn’t save any of my e-mail stuff.
sorry.

i took a week off. in fact, i barely turned on the computer all week. it was awesome.
so don’t think i was really busy or working really hard or anything. ‘cos i wasn’t.
yes i was.

a lesson learned last week: when painting over 38 year old wallpaper…um, you might want to actually remove 38 year old wallpaper. i know, i’ve painted over wallpaper a hundred times with perfect results. but this time? when i got back after lunch? two whole sections had ballooned off the wall.
i thought i was going to cry.
and what’s worse? i was painting for liz’z grandma. and she thinks i can do it all. she brags on my mad painting skillz all the time. so when i go to her house to do work i feel like a super hero.
apparently 38 yr old wallpaper is my kryptonite. okay, and let’s be honest…bees too.

anyway, the wall turned out beautifully and it only took an extra day of work. so i think i’m still kinda super hero-ish.

lately i’ve been putting all my Tori albums on my computer. i haven’t listened to them in years. YEARS. and i had forgotten how much i loved Boys for Pele.

every morning now, from 5:30am to 7:00am, Kaze barks like a fucking maniac at a squirrel. her barks don’t sound normal because she does this horrendous whining too. so it actually sounds like she’d being tortured or beaten. yeah, that kind of barking.
i’m really close to ordering a shock collar for her. because i can’t fucking take it, and i can’t imagine how much the neighbors are hating it. the only other thing i can think to do is buy some firecrackers and when she barks light one, ‘cos she is so afraid of loud sounds like fire crackers.
but what is more cruel? shock collar? or terrifying her with noise?

i don’t actually care that she barks for hours at animals, but c’mon dog, can’t you start at 7? quit stealing my sleep, bitch!

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5.07.06

Category: dribblings

you know, aside from being Mayor of Crazytown, i’ve always felt mostly safe at my house. it’s fenced. there’s only one door. the house itself is on the second story so people can’t break in by going through the basement. i’ve got two huge dogs. two huge, nice, sweet dogs, but at least they’re big and barky.
but last night there was a double (DOUBLE!) homicide a block away from my house. a shooting of some kind. and it was at a “good” section of walnut street, nice big duplex houses in that section.
anyway. not cool.
i realize i live in the ‘hood, but i guess i didn’t realize it was that kind of ‘hood. i thought it was just an urban ‘hood with a variety of black, mexican, and crazy white people. it’s never seemed violent.
oh sure, i’ve heard gunfire. but hell, you’re likely to hear gunfire in southside. or at my parents house in RBC. (the dude who lives behind them is a huge gun collector. when policemen need guns? they go to him. he is the Gun Dude.) so it’s not like gunfire has to be all violence and murder.
oh, excxept a couple of weeks ago when liznchris came over and there was automatic gunfire and the police came and arrested someone not 60 feet from my yard. then the kid’s momma drives up all SCRRREEEEEEECH BRAKE jumping out of her giant oldsmobile all, “officer! that’s my boy! he ain’t never done nothin’! whatchoo doing with him?!”
oh hey, you know what?
i do live in the ‘hood.

and what’s horrible is that yesterday morning? before the double homicide occurred? laura and i were driving down to the Bird Sanctuary to take Roxy Rockstar for a walk and we were discussing our houses and how their house is ‘hood adjacent because, backyard, and that mine is in the actual ‘hood but not yet ghetto. and she said something about how you’d think we’d see more police action than we do, with us being so ‘hoody and all. and i said, i actually said in my Ice Cube voice, “They either don’t know, don’t show, or don’t give a damn about what’s goin’ on in the ‘hood.”
and then? then i said how crazy is that to get to quote that movie in the context of actually talking about that exact same thing instead of just quoting the movie because of the way the line is delivered in the movie. because, hello? two white girls in a jeep quoting Boyz n the Hood? that shouldn’t even be legal.
anyway, maybe you don’t know what i mean, but i don’t care. ‘cos then hours later… two people murdered.
WTF, man?

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5.06.06

Category: dribblings

okay, being a lutheran is not always easy, right? especially when you’re at a different church and people are speaking in tongues and you, the Good Lutheran, is all, God! what did i do to deserve this?! GET ME OUT OF HERE, LORD!
because change and new things are not things that lutherans handle well at all.
at all.

however, hanging with the lutherans can be cool as hell.
hee.
at the ball game last night? we get there and get our hot dogs and we’re getting cokes out of this cooler and i see someone i know…with a beer. “hey,” i say, “where are they selling the beer?”
“no,” she says, “they’re free. the keg is over there,” and she points across the picnic area.
YES!
i know! lutheran kegger! doods!
i’m not sure how many lutherans showed up for the game, but there wasn’t as many as i thought there would be. which, obviously some were at home celebrating cinco de mayo, right? yes. so that meant more beer for the rest of us. i only had two beers the whole night because well, there’s no need to get crazy, plus i was filling up on peanuts and ice cream in a helmet (and i’m thankful that now i’ve got four little helmets, which is a set, right? and now i don’t have to eat anymore ice cream at a ball game and i can drink more beer.)

but now as i type this i realize that the beer must’ve been a budweiser product ‘cos i have a bud headache. and only two beers? but that’s a bud for you.
but they were FREE, fools!

we ended up leaving in the 12th inning because it was cold last night and dad was only in shorts and a short-sleeved shirt, and it was getting late and so we left. it’s a bummer because it was a Friday Fireworks night. and they do put on a good fireworks show. but by the 10th inning we didn’t care who won we were just wanting ANY team to score.

silly minor league stuff we saw:
the barons used every pitcher they had. and i think they even suited up some guy in the stands and let him pitch a few.
and there was this one guy at bat (i can’t remember if it was a baron or a sun) and when he swung the bat (he missed the ball) and let go of the bat which went sailing down the third baseline.
so funny.

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