5.05.06

Category: dribblings

cinco de mayo! aye-yi-yi!
we’re going to a Birmingham Barons game tonight with The Lutherans. the ticket is ten bucks and that includes a hot dog and a drink. plus, i mean, a game of minor league baseball is like, one of life’s greatest pleasures.
‘cos you know you’re gonna see something stupid happen.

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5.03.06

Category: dribblings

new computer. it’s all new. new motherboard, new processor, new operating sysytem, new e-mail junk, new everything.
i can’t find anything.
also, i have no e-mail addresses anymore. remember when we used to send e-mails to each other all the time with funny things in them? yeah, well now when i find a funny link i can’t e-mail it to you ‘cos i have no address for anybody. so if in a couple of weeks you’re all, “gosh, that jaimie hasn’t sent me anything in a while, piss on her!” just know that i can’t send you anything ‘cos i don’t know your address because i can’t remember all your crap okay? it’s hard enough trying to remember my own passwords and user names for all the crap that was on my old computer, but i never had to know them ‘cos the old computer knew them for me.
lazy american!

another thing i forgot to save was my favorites folder.
damn.
those were some handy links that i’ve had on there for 10 years. it’s a shame i don’t know where they actually are on this here internet thing.
so stupid, american pig dog!

in other news:
at the Holy House the other day i overheard some people talking while i was painting the men’s room (which smells like pee. gross. Dear Old Men, AIM FOR THE MIDDLE OF THE WHITE THING YOU’RE STANDING IN FRONT OF. Love, Jaimie)
and this lady is trying to get this guy to borrow some of her DVDs. and she says, “you need to watch this movie. it’s so great.” and he’s all, “what is it?” and she says, “Walk the Line.” and he says, “oh.”
if there is one thing this year that has captured the attention of old people it’s Walk the Line, which is a good movie. very enjoyable. old people? they eat that shit UP.
anyway, he doesn’t want to watch that movie (probably ‘cos he already owns it) and she acts like he’s spit on baby jesus or something. he quickly tries to change the subject and says, “did you know that today is the empire state building’s birthday?”
“what?” she asks, clearly confused at the non sequitur.
“today is the 75th anniversary of the empire state building.”
“oh,” she says, “so…do you want to borrow king kong?”
i couldn’t contain my laughter.
priceless.

crazy margaret came by today. i didn’t go outside to see what she wanted because i didn’t want to be bothered with crazy. at first i felt kinda bad ‘cos i wasn’t actually busy, i was just in no mood to listen to her talk crazy and then ask me for money. so by not going to the door and ignoring her screaming and whistling and ringing the bell outside, it was like i was screening my phone from telemarketers.
only most telemarketers don’t say things like, “you’re mean you need to change the bulb in that outside light i don’t think it’s working i saw a spider at lola’s house and i know it was poisonous she probably called it out to bite one of your dogs i think the brown dog has worms see how she keeps whining? you should give her some milk not a lot of milk i used to give my dog milk all the time and that keeps them from getting so hungry you have five dollars i could borrow till monday?”

so as Mayor of Crazytown i decided that i didn’t have to listen to her jibberish today. maybe i’ll feel more generous tomorrow.

today i took roxy rockstar on a walk down at the Bird Sanctuary. one thing i’ve notice at the Bird Sanctuary is a SEVERE lack of birds. in fact, it’s mostly swampy wasteland with a gravel trail. GADSDEN ROCKS!
but at least it’s a quiet place to walk the dog. it’s not like i can walk her around my block.
crazy margaret would see us.

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5.01.06

Category: dribblings

it’s May Day…happy pagan day to you and yours.

there’s something bad wrong or, badong, with my computer. virus? hard drive about to crash? gremlin?
i don’t know, but what i do know is that lately it’s like i’ve got windows ‘95 installed on here. and i think you can remember how awesome that used to be? it would crash every night and then you’d be forced to run scandisk for no real reason other than WINDOWS DID NOT SHUT DOWN PROPERLY, WHAT WERE YOU DOING? TRYING TO DOWNLOAD YOUR E-MAIL OR SOMETHING?
so i don’t know when i’ll get to update this site again…i’m sure it will be this week but i’m going to wait for mr. fleegan to get my new computer set up.
that’s right, you heard me. NEW.
new computer.
why? WHY am i getting a new computer? because I WANTED QUIET FANS. AND AS I’VE MENTION BEFORE…IT WASN’T THE FANS CAUSING ALL THE RUCKUS.
it was a hard drive. it was making a sound that mr. fleegan, the Computer Dude, said he’s never heard a hard drive make before. i said that it’s been making that sound FOR YEARS.
doesn’t matter. it’s all screwed up now. so…new computer. dammit.

in other non-bitchy news:
i walked to work today. it was fun and it only took 10 minutes. there’s a ton of water meters and things of that sort at work, and on the way to work so i took a picture of some of them, and i plan to take more because for some reason i love those things.
here’s one:

here’s one that i like ‘cos it has a pentagram on it. EVIL SEWER! (rhymes with evil doer.)

here’s one of the trash compactor thing at work. it doesn’t compact the trash anymore because i don’t know why. probably ‘cos it was too messy.

let’s open up the trash thing and see what the oldsters have thrown away today…

looks like some ass hole threw away a bunch of loose newspaper.
i hate old people. i swear. this is the kind of STUPID FUCKING THING they do. they save MONTHS WORTH of newspapers…for no reason…and then decide, “hey, i guess it’s okay to throw away these newspapers now. good thing i saved them every day for 2 months!” and then they toss them into the Magic Hole in the wall where they float gently down 12 flights then KABLAMMO! paper explosion.
and who has to deal with the aftermath?
not the old fucker who caused the problem.
one day…one day i went to empty out the Trash Thing for dad on a saturday because i’m nice like that…and anyway this one day? some ass hat had dropped a FULL JAR OF PICKLES down the trash chute. if i had known which old bastard had done it…i would have committed murder.

and to lower my blood pressure, here’s some pics of the dogs.
kaze!

roxy!

kaze eating!

enjoy your week.

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4.26.06

Category: dribblings

mr. fleegan put all of my computer guts in a new modcore case. i told him i need quiet fans because the old fans in my old case were very loud and at that frequency that makes me want to punch people in the throat. anyway, new case. turns out? the screeeeeee fan? is actually one of my hard drives. yeah.
awesome.this ALWAYS happens. i’m never able to do ONE computer thing. it’s always a COLLECTION of things that happen all because of ONE thing.
it’s cruel and ineffecient. bah.
at dinner this evening we enjoyed steaming hot plates of chinese food while we watched an ep of the Family Guy. i couldn’t get one of those delicious packets of hot mustard open and i tried and tried and finally said, “jimmy, i can’t get the packet open.”
his response?
“jaimie, don’t bring that weak shit here.”
oh, he makes me laugh.

but the big story this week, so far, is the AWESOME piece of furniture i scored for $7.50.
ladies and germs, i present to you…
THE END TABLE!

what a fine octagonal piece it is! but wait! doors?

OMG!WTF?TOY SURPRISE!

complete with stereophonic sound!
how cool is this?! it’s a Magnavox believe it or not. it has all the paperwork that came with it. it gives you a map with all the Magnavox dealers locations so in case you ever need to buy replacement parts…do what now? hee.
the thing sounds great. the speakers will blow out the windows of my house. it’s all so awesome. the turntable doesn’t work, but i have a record player already so while it’s kind of a bummer also, $7.50.

BOW TO MY ANALOG GLORY, BITCHES.

and for all you techgeeks here’s pics of the modcore case:


total TRON, yo.
 

 

 

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4.24.06

Category: dribblings

i’m nearly finished reading The Heart is a Lonely Hunter. i’m on page 202 and still nothing has happened except one guy farted, and that was pretty funny. it was unexpected.
i’m also nearly finished with The Da Vinci Code. hee.

FROM THE DESK OF THE MAYOR OF CRAZYTOWN:
i had to get on to Crazy Margaret yesterday for going through my trash can.
“but it’s just trash!”
“yes, but it’s MY trash. it’s none of your business.”
“but it’s a garbage can! i was throwing something away!”
“look, when it’s on the street, fine. but when it’s next to my house? you’re not to touch it, got it?”
“but i was throwing something away and that’s when i saw-”
“Margaret! quit snooping around my house! and you can throw stuff away IN YOUR OWN GARBAGE CAN.”

laura and kris were lucky enough to have a Margaret Experience yesterday. maybe laura will write about it.

i forgot to tell everyone the good news: Lola FINALLY had her car taken away from her. so the streets in Gadsden are a little more safe than before. everyone who lives or works or visits the downtown area has had a Lola Road Rage Moment. even if they don’t know it yet. she’s the old troll who drove a goldish honda with a couple of hubcaps gone and the side mirror smashed. she drove about 10 miles an hour (if you were lucky). and when you were stuck behind her in traffic you were filled with an instant and fiery rage like that of a million suns burning. then, once you realized you were behind Lola you immediately deflated and had plenty of time to text message all your friends that you were stuck behind Lola.

well, i’m proud to report that gone are those days. and i know that sara n. is probably the happiest person to find out that news as she seemed to get stuck behind her every other day on the way to or from school.
although Crazy Margaret told me that Lola plans on getting another car.
that would be quite a trick. but as crazy margaret has said before, lola is a witch, so maybe she can conjure herself another car…maybe one like the Munsters had. and maybe the Munsters Theme would play as she drove. that, that would be worth getting stuck in traffic over.

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4.21.06

Category: dribblings

yesterday the sweet, kind, old lady i take to dialysis says to me she says, “jaimie, i’m so hungry right now i could eat a dead nigger and all the pallbearers.”
OMG! WTF?!
i didn’t say anything because if i had said something it would’ve been like, “lord have mercy, don’t SAY THINGS LIKE THAT!” and she, being old, would not have understood that it was a terrible thing to say because it is a fact that all old people are racists. that’s right, your sweet grandma? hates black people. it’s the way they were raised. and i’m not saying that makes it all right, nay. it’s just the way it is, and grandma ain’t gonna change.
so i just kept driving and didn’t say anything.
so then she says, “have you ever heard that one before?”
“no ma’am, i haven’t.”
“really?”
“really.”Picture Friday!
to take your mind off of racist grandmas here’s Roxy the Rockstar!

and here’s Kaze!

i rarely get her picture because she runs and hides in her house when she sees the camera.
aw, look, her wittle eyes are closed.

and here’s some firemen doing that thing they do with the fire hydrants every so often.
this is on the corner of 11th and Chestnut. i took this from my kitchen window. see where the house used to be?

and last but not least here’s a picture of the stumps the lady painted.
 

 

 

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4.20.06

Category: dribblings

today is leslie m. and melfa’s b’day. they are probably a year older than they were last year, but also a bit younger than me.
bitches.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY BITCHES!

i’m trying to read Carson McCullers’s “enduring masterpiece”, The Heart is a Lonely Hunter. this book is killing me because it’s one of those Southern Gothic type books where you hate all the sad, lonely people so much you wish they’d either START TALKING TO EACH OTHER, YOU IDIOTS! or you wish they’d just die and maybe someone interesting will enter the picture.
so far, i’m not getting the whole “enduring masterpiece” thing.
i’m only 117 pages into it, so maybe something actually happens later on in the book and that’s the only reason i’ve kept reading so far.

on one hand though, i want to say that IF NOTHING HAS HAPPENED 117 PAGES IN, THEN PRETTY MUCH THERE YOU GO. SWEET MOTHER OF PEARL, READING THIS BOOK IS LIKE CONSTANTLY BANGING YOUR HEAD AGAINST YOUR OWN HEAD! and usually if i said something like that it would be kind of a cool thing (like House of Leaves ), but this time when i say it i mean it like How Green was my Valley.

reading southern writers is like watching someone watch a train wreck. you want to be all, “how rude! i think it’s terrible that people want to see all that blood and gore.” but secretly, you kinda want to peek.
dash, you southern authors! the way you weave a creepy tale with creepy people! how the unsettlingness of your stories haunts me and makes me crave more!

bitches!

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4.14.06

Category: dribblings

happy Good Friday, you guys.

ew, look at this.
i don’t know what i find more repulsive, the fact that he killed her ‘cos she wouldn’t heat up some sandwiches, or the fact that he drank a beer before calling 911.
what a guy.

i’m sick right now, i’ve got some kind of evil stomach virus of torture. it hurts pretty bad, especially if i move and even more especially if i bend over.

yesterday i saw this neighbor lady (whom i’ve never met before but i know she lives in the white house on the other side of me, not the Lola Side), and she was clearing off the lot where they knocked the house down. the house debris is gone but there’s lots of logs and branches and trees and things that were cut down.
i figure someone was paying her to clear it off ‘cos i’ve seen her out there everyday.

so yesterday she’s trying to move this giant log by herself and i see her just as i pull into my driveway. i was going to go help her but my stomach was hurting so bad and i was about to shit myself so i ran inside to do my business, and i figured i’d help her after my business was concluded.
when i went back outside she was gone.

i was relieved because my stomach was really hurting. so i laid on the couch and moaned for about 4 hours.
then i got up to get some more water and what do i see outside my window?
the lady. struggling with a log.
damn. well, i think to myself, if i go over there something will happen.

so i go out and ask if i can help her and she is SO excited to get some help. she hands me the Known World’s Oldest, Dullest Handsaw to cut this branch that’s on this log thinking that if we cut the stupid branch off the log will just roll to the street curb.
i bend over to start to saw. well, first, ow.
OW!
this will never work with the Stomach Pain of Doom. “how about we just tug it to the street?” i suggest.

“it will roll better if we cut that branch off,” she says. or, i think she says. she wasn’t very good at talking. she might be a touch slow.

“okay look, i’ve got an old rake. i’m gonna go get it to drag that log around, okay?” i ask, knowing that will work ‘cos that’s how i drug around all those railroad crossties i had. but, i am totally dreading this ‘cos my tummy is really hurting.

“i think if we cut this branch off it will roll better. you know, i’ve had tons of people ask how much i want for this land.”

“really? how much do you want for it?”

“suga, it ain’t even mine! i wish it was mine. i’d done sell it.”

“if it’s not yours…why are you clearing it off?”

“the city told me i had to or they would fine me.”

“what?! they told you that?!”

“mmhmmm.”

“well, they lied. they couldn’t fine you, they’d fine the property owner. who owns this property?”

“girl, the city owns it.”

“WHAT?! the city came and cut this all down and then told YOU to haul it all to the street?”

“that’s right! and i can’t afford no fine.”

“but if it’s their property then it’s their mess to clean.”

“but they told me it was my trees.”

“if they were your trees…why did the city cut them down?”

“i don’t know. they just said they’d fine me if i didn’t move it. but see here, see how i painted all the tree stumps? heehee! i made me some art.”
and she had, she spray painted the tree stumps black and white striped. whoever cut down the trees and bushes left about 3 feet of stumpage. they look like horrible fingers or something. and, as weird as it looks, i’m glad she painted them all funky…since they’re hers and all.

i’m not sure what the actual deal is, but like i say, the lady doesn’t seem to be firing on all cylinders, and i think that some douchebag city workers may have tricked that poor old lady.

anyway, i’m about to go get my Trusty Rake when this blue pick-up truck pulls up and this guy gets out and says, “do you ladies need help with moving this log? i saw you struggling with it so i turned around and came back.”
thank you, Lord. you are so good to me.
“yes please!” we say. and this guy, bless him and his kind, kind heart, he ties a rope to the log and hauls it to the street with his truck. takes about 10 seconds.

“girl! you done brought me some good luck!”

“yeah, i get that a lot.”

we both thanked the nice, sweet, kind, man for helping us out.

then i went back home to moan and groan on the couch.

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4.13.06

Category: dribblings

today is Maundy Thursday, which i think means Holy Thursday. so there’s church tonight and it’s all about the Lord’s Supper. although, i guess if you’re jewish you celebrate Passover or something? i don’t know.mr. fleegan and i went to see Lucky Number Slevin last night. it was great! in fact, the first 30 seconds of the movie had two visual quotes from two of my favorite movies, so how awesome is that? (the first was the ink pen to the throat from Casino, and the second was the Moe Green eye glasses killing from, wait for it, The Godfather.)
another awesome “feature” of the movie was all the patterns…all the walls were crazy wallpaper and the next one would be crazier and more eye-killing than the last. it was great. the dialogue was fantastic and quick. and Lucy Liu? easily this is the best thing she’s ever done, she was GREAT.
and as a bonus, when we walked in the theater the only other person in there was

FA!
how cool is that? i think that he and jimmy wanted to sit together and make out, but i sat in the middle stating the Mandatory Heterosexual Seating Rule. They can make out tonight while i’m in church. hee.
i love you guys.in case you were wondering, and i know you aren’t, i have this song caught in my head:
little willy, willy won’t go home
but you can’t push willy ’round
willy won’t go!
try tellin’ everybody but, oh no,
little willy, willy won’t….go home!

i have no idea what that song is about. but i do know that it’s misleading ‘cos it starts out kinda rockish and THEN when you don’t expect it, it turns into cheese.
if you were really my friend, you’d either call me and start singing a different song to get stuck in my head, or you’d just kill me and put me out of this misery.
BFF!

 

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4.12.06

Category: dribblings

i’ve been reading new york hack

, and i love, love, love it.
i think it would make a great tv show…or a film noir. or maybe something else entirely. i don’t know.i’m very distracted at the moment because i just got home from work and i took my shoes off and my feet smell so bad that at first i was blaming the cat.
“gah! Toonces, what do you eat?!…wait, oh gross, it’s me! ew! EW!” so at the moment i am repulsive even to myself.

old ladies are crazy, and

 

laura

knows this better than most:
today the old lady i’m painting for is crying and so i’m all, “should i come back later?”
old lady: no, maybe having my bathroom painted will cheer me up.me: are you sure?

old lady: yes. i just found out that my grandson has 8 months to live.

me: …i’m, so sorry.

old lady: WAAAAAAAH!

so i give her what is probably The Most Awkward Hug in the Known World. which immediately shuts her up ‘cos she’s probably wondering why this stranger dressed as a homeless person is hugging her.

old lady: do you watch american idol?

me: …wha? no, but actually i watched it last night at my friend’s house.

old lady: i like Taylor the best.

me: really? i don’t know their names but i thought they all sang pretty well.

old lady: yeah, but Taylor is my favorite.

me: i guess everyone picks a favorite and cheers for them?

old lady: yes, but Simon is a butthole.

my self-control is astonishing sometimes.

in other self-control…ness:
there are 2 ladies at the HCH who look like birds. i call them the Bird Women. one of them looks like (i swear on a stack of blogs) the chicken lady from kids in the hall
i stole this pic from http://www.geocities.com/kids_inthehall/mark.html
she’s got brown hair, but otherwise she looks exactly like that.
she’s mean and a pain in the ass so i don’t care if it’s mean to say she looks like a chicken lady, not THE Chicken Lady, because there is a THE Chicken Lady, who oddly enough, looks nothing like a chicken or bird of any kind, however, she’s crazy in the head. and i don’t have time to make fun of her today. she’s one of those people you hate to run into and you end up running into her once a year by some fluke, like in a, “crap. and i wasn’t even suppose to BE HERE today.” kind of way.

i’ve rambled enough.

 

 

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